Zoned out

I know i have a tendency of getting zoned out in the middle of a conversation; that is if that conversation is about marriage or social norms or something like that :-) , Anyway i did not expect to get zoned out while i was driving.I keep replaying it over and over again in my head, i just can`t remeber that car hitting us, i just didn`t see it coming.Worst part is, its not even my own car, its my brother`s one. Fortunately for me there was no major damage, parked it outside my house and didn`t even tell my parents about it. My sis-in-law was nice enough to infrom my parents about it, while i was hiding in my room :-).

Need to start meditating or something.....maybe that`ll help me to be more focused while driving..

Over the years

I`ve changed, a lot. Back when I was a teen, I wanted to be married when I was 24, wanted to have kids before i`m 30, even believed that there can be only one guy for life. That girl who dreamt and wanted to believe in happily ever after saw what ppl are capable of, changed her beliefs, changed the way she viewed things. She saw how easy it was to some ppl to play with other ppl`s hearts, and manipulate things just to get what they want. It`s just so easy to run away from all of it, choose solitude but then again, deep down the need to love someone is always there, I might grow out of that need over time, I hope I don`t.  I don`t believe that anything is black or white anymore, I don`t judge ppl anymore instead I try to understand them; I haven`t mastered that art yet, in time I hope I get there. My mind started wondering around all of this stuff when I was listening to Learning to breathe by switchfoot  :-)

Anyway, right now, I have no intention of getting married, or having kids and i`m actually dreaming about buying a house by the lake and i`ll probably end up living with a bunch of cats and dogs or adopt a bunch of kidsJ  I am enjoying little things more now, try to enjoy the moment , travel , talking about travel need to pack; three day trip with the family :-)  . Can`t remember the last time I was out of the house for that long, Hope that change does good…..

Risky......guess not...

Decided to go for a 20 day training programme, i just need to get out ,plus it should look good on my cv :-)
 More than a year of unemployment is not something i can handle; getting tired of everyone asking me why im still at home. Anyway my sis-in-law is not happy with my decision to go to a 'lab full of infectious diseases', that was her exact term. My mom joined in saying someone had asked her why she was letting me do this kind of 'risky' subjects. I`ve never thought about it that way, i`ve always loved wearing gloves and handling glassware and everything that comes along with it. The only 'risk' i`ve noticed so far is the lack of jobs in this stream.
Hope everything goes well and i land a job soon, till then back to bed :-)

Ignorance

She doesn`t remember when she first noticed it. She first felt it one day, chose  to ignore it, telling herself its probably nothing. After some time it appeared again, she went to the doc, who ignored it and gave her vitamins. She forgot about it after that, until she couldn`t lift that side of her arm. The pain went away when she stopped sleeping sideways, she told herself its still nothing. She started having pains, only on that side. She started getting worried when she noticed a visible change, and thought of asking her mom. She couldn`t ask her straight away, her mom doesn`t talk about the C word, cz her grandmom passed away cz of it. Even she herself had surgery it seems. She just wanted to check it out, just to see what it was, but she asked herself; what if its positive? .....what then?

After everything she`s learned, after everything she`s heard about breast cancer awareness and prevention, she`s just going to ignore it. Telling herself that her body can hadle whatever it is....then again...what if....

Thoughts

Got a message from an old school friend, sayin "hey, u were my first best friend, k.i.t at least thru fb"...,that was the first time i had seen a pic of her since i left school when i was lil. It was nice to hear from her, anyway, I don`t think i`ve been anybody`s first gf though (that i know of).Men always treat their `first` like a princess, that`s the complain i got from a  friend of mine recently. The only comment that i get from guys is, "you don`t have to go for higher studies, your job is to be a pretty wife and produce cute babies", I no longer feel the need to punch the guys who say that to me, or punch relatives who say " you can score a rich guy" ..I don`t care anymore,Guess i`ve grown up :)

As i keep getting older, i find myself wanting to let go of that need, to hold hands, feeling of someone caressing your cheek with his thumb, ...lil acts of love......its not that i don`t want it, its just that everytime i go looking for it, i always get hurt. It`s like the idea of someone loving me for who i am, is such a joke, like i`ve been told by so many times. Still, i find myself wanting that...the rule i`m following from now on is 'Don`t expect it back, Love anyway...'

On a different note, saw on Oprah that Swedish ppl are the happiest in the world. Especially the women there, marriage rate is all time low, but the women are involved in long term relationships.when asked they said , they are with the guy only bcz they wanna be with the person for who he is...and vice versa....simple as that.....

First week-2011

Year started off with spending the 31st night at the airport, being allowed to drive on my own for the first time, a date which didn`t go well as i hoped and my very first interview. I`m pretty confident that i did the interview well, but i`m a lil worried about the essay i was asked to write.Actually they asked me to write a paragraph so i wrote just that, did notice other ppl writing lots of pages.Atleast i wrote everything in one para:-)

Last day of the first week included me getting a huge teddy and an expensive book-which i love , among other things for my b`day :-)  Mom actually said its coz ive been so nice and helpful to my sis-in-law,getting compliments from my mom is extremely rare. Anyway need to start saving up enough money to buy presents when their b`days come up..

bad day

It was her first day, out on her own..
wanted to see him, asked him to come..
she wore her favourite perfume, thinkin its been a while..
when she got there, he looked different,
didn`t smile at her, looked so pissed,
she tried to make conversation,
he kept looking away,
she could see he couldn`t wait to get away from her
she felt something inside..
he said goodbye before she could even give him a lift
she started driving..made a lot of wrong turns on her way as if trying to find her way home....
it was a long ride back...