Back at one

Things were going so well for a while, I was surrounded with everyone else's drama and I was giving advice helping any way I can and I was in a state of 'happy'. Well i guess everyone else's drama finally got to me  and I honestly don`t know who to turn to. I don`t wanna whine about my mother to my better half all the time, he has enough things to worry about on his own. Honestly I don`t even know why she still manage to bring me to tears while i'm at work when she calls me and say something mean. I keep telling myself that it's not about me, it's all about her unfulfilled childhood/life that's making her hate her own daughter but it doesn`t mean i'm not human. Just like any other bully she's just a mean insecure person but just because she clothed and fed me doesn`t mean i should keep up with her shit now does it. I put up a protective wall and i was secure and thought i dont give a shit but turns out i ended crying in the middle of the office after hearing less that 10 sentences from her over the phone...when did i get so weak? On top of all that my friend who is going through a 'crisis' in her marriage wanted to meet me for lunch. I had enough drama at work so i honestly didn`t wanna go. Maybe on some subconscious level I didn`t want to go because listening to her story and her questions and her perspective made me question my own relationship cz the very things she fights about is what i choose to ignore.So i tried to avoid her a lil bit but i do listen to her daily and say whatever i can to help her feel better. Anyway she ended up accusing me of being selfish and not having time for friends anymore....sigh....
Even at work my boss has started acting like a 'bully', one min he's extremely kind next min he's manipulative and cunning and .......why do i keep attracting these kinds of ppl into my life.

Life is too short to surround myself with ppl that makes me unhappy and depressed. The question is how do i get away from these ppl? well i just read this quote and i've heard it a million times but i just have to act on it..soon! not soon..NOW! Starting with a super mental barrier :)

Drama continues

It has been a very dramatic couple of weeks. Well my brother moved in next door with lil nephew of mine, all was well until (as expected) my mom, the drama queen herself stirred up a few(lot)  problems and my sister in law was crying (even her mom cried!) and my mom was acting like.....well i donno the exact word. Anyway its sad to see how my brother and sis in law is coping with the meddling of my mom and its actually truly amazing how one person can actually literally suck the joy out of life just by talking!

well even though i expected that drama, what i didn`t expect was the 'situation' of my friend. Well they have been married for almost two years now and when she texted me she wanted to talk and was having few problems, i just assumed its a minor disagreement. When she told me her husband is leaving her, i was truly shocked! When she finished telling me her side of the story i ended up in tears. I just didn`t expect her out of all ppl to get into that. 

And another friend of mine kept texting me describing how frustrated she is and was dreaming of a divorce; she has been married for one year.

I honestly don`t know how to advice or what to say to them except being there for them. 

peace , calm , happiness and love is what i hope and wish for all of them......

the truth is

Eventhough I act like i don't give a shit about the way you talk to me..it hurts
Eventhough i stopped caring about your approval...i still want it
Eventhough i don`t wanna speak a word to you...i still wanna talk about my day with you
Everytime you open your mouth i can feel your hatred towards me
Eventhough you think i don`t love you...I really do
More than anything it hurts to know for a fact that you will never know what real love is, bcz all you care about is money 

There are times....

If the purpose of your existence is to mentally blackmail your child, u never should have had one in the first place.

perfect

conversation with a collegue..

her:hey you broke your nail!
me:yeah, got caught up in something, can`t remember
her:So your not perfect!!
me:(what????) you think i`m perfect??
her:well..yeah...
I didn`t even wanna to reply to that...never thought that anyone would think i`m miss.perfect

December

December started off with my new job (yay!!), which seems okay for now. There`s a lot to learn which is great. what i didn`t expect was wearing a saree (in a lab of all places). I don`t hate a lot of things but wearing a saree early morning pisses me off, but i`m actually surprised that i`m going through with it. Maybe i might end up liking wearing a saree or maybe not...

The call

phone starts ringing in the middle of my evening nap..
me: (sleepily) Hello
  ?  : Is this Ms...............?
me:  Yes
?  : You have an interview next Tuesday, at 2.30..You applied for the post of X(?)
me: er........(trying to figure out which one, out of thousands of places i applied).......yeah
?   : meet Mr.X when you get there
me: er......(stop talking like a dumbo you nut, they are calling you for an interview!)..Mr.X is it?
?   : yes ..(by now she figured i had no idea )...do you want the address?

me : YES (sound professional you dummy)
? : ................................
me: Thank you
?  : You`re welcome
me: bye 
me: running to match that address with the ones that i applied to....

....oh joy.....

Realistic me vs Positive me

Pm-they already hired, oh well..i`ll try the other place
Rm-what other place?, you`ve been saying that for the past 2 years. you still don`t have a decent job.loser
Pm-hey, at least i studied and..
Rm-and what? in every interview they ask why you don`t have work experience, not about your stupid certificates
Pm-look , i`m trying, i really am trying..i`m just being positive and the law of attraction says...
Rm-yeah, yeah, u might as well expect a freaking unicorn to show up at our doorstep and give you magic dust..
Pm-At least i have a roof above my head, and food to eat and..
Rm-you don`t have a job, you wanna be with a guy who probably thinks you`re a clingy nut job, your mom disapproves every word that comes out of your mouth and wants to leave your dad-again(and putting up a united front to the world), you`re still not allowed to go out of the house alone(you`ve been in this world for almost three decades now!?), you`re doing absolutely nothing!!! you think you`re needed anywhere?? I`m pretty sure only your dog will miss you if you die today..Jeez wake up, life without purpose is as good as dead..and what is up with your crying like a baby every week?? do you even know why your crying?
Pm-is it safe to say that i`m clinically depressed?

Jobless again....

two weeks after my resignation...well that went fast..
Applied to few more companies we`ll see how that goes. Been playing angry birds Rio-which is quite fun and very addictive:-) and i  started playing badminton again, after a decade or so...which is great, i`ve forgotten how much i liked sports. I`ve been downloading basically any new show that i come across, so that i can keep my mind occupied. I`m starting to like the series switched at birth; so far all the episodes have been interesting and quite dramatic.
Went to a place that gives cancer patients a place to stay(free of charge) after treatment, this is especially a great place for those who come from far. Even a relative of the patient can stay there, and the place looks really clean and well maintained. We went to pay for one meal for the patients. while walking around the place i saw three kids, bald-probably due to chemotherapy, i think they were around 6-7yrs. My mind wondered as to what their condition was and how they diagnosed the condition, how the family is coping...but i walked out without asking anything.


I donno what is up with my nightmares these days. Almost everyday i wake up seeing the same thing; when i`m driving along a huge wave comes and hits me-some days the place is different...and i always wakes up when i`m about to drown....

Do I have to put up with this?

 it was a good start for my career, i mean, its my first job..
 i was unemployed for more than a year..
i was happy to get paid something, eventhough it was insanely low
i wanted job experience, learn something, get up everyday and go to work actually,
   but
They don`t give employees an appointment letter, EPF or ETF
The head of the company is a marketing major, but he calls himself a scientist and give insane answers (stem cells are cells that go through tubes.... i mean really??? if you don`t know the answer just say so without pretending or you can simply google it-like i do;-)  , when i gave my answer  , the boss kept saying that even though i completed my masters in science, i don`t know anything and went on to say more crap about how i should walk(!?) yes, he said i need to walk like a girl
Salary increment issue- he said that he will consider giving extra 4k depending on what i wear, like skirts(!%$?)
Boss shouts at ppl like a total nut job and i actually talked back :-) i really don`t like it when he gets in my personal space.....and he did ask me to come on Saturdays and Sundays when noone else is there

Should start typing my resignation letter.......

2nd interview for this year

guess it went well than the first interview couple of months ago.only the boss interviewed me, gave me immediate feedback, he even put marks infront of me saying how many marks he was giving me and why:-) The job doesn`t really involve lab work but i need to start from somewhere. He also asked me wether i have a facebook account and wether i upload pics all the time and that if i have lots of boyfriends he would hire me immediately:-) was asked to come for the 2nd interview tomorrow, hope that goes well.

while i was sitting there i was chatting with the others who came for the job, they were science graduates/PGs all looking for jobs. complained of the same thing ...less pay, no research grants, very less job opportunities. All my other friends changed their paths and started doing management or IT and landed jobs. I have friends who are working as scientists who`s basic salary is extremely low, they are exposed to a lot of chemicals, and holds a great deal of responsibility...i just think there`s something wrong with that whole picture. Everywhere i go ppl go like....`oh u did science, that means you`re screwed`....i always respond with a smile and say i just studied what i loved.