Thoughts

Post on LinkedIn; Then and now picture- a little girl sitting on a farm and grown-up version wearing a suit at UN

Conclusion- we should all aim for office jobs wearing suits because that is the glamorous lifestyle 

But is it really glamorous?

Then why do we spend weekdays wearing formal office clothes and weekends running to the woods looking for so-called simple pleasures? Isn`t it ironic that we slave away daily and spend that money looking for simple pleasures?

How come no one gets the irony of this?

Alex Inc. and other Arts

My last post sounds really depressing, well I did feel quite depressed at the time, it comes and goes. In yet another one of those low point mental states, I bumped into this wonderful show - Alex Inc. It's about a guy who quits the big corporate job and starts his own business. Sounds a lot like me (except the wife and kids), anyway I could relate to every single episode, it was just wonderful to see the journey and struggles through someone's eyes.Too bad it won`t be renewed for another season. But the way it lifted up my spirits was simply amazing, if TV shows can do that, I think that's the real service- enriching peoples lives with entertainment.

I'm hanging in there, still trying to figure out the startup life. Not sure how it would turn up but will certainly write about it here.

I still have bills to pay for, so even-though I'm not at my big cooperate job, my current small workplace pays my bills. I still don`t like how I spend my time there (meaning what I do), so this painting just always makes me forget that 'I'm-at-a-job-that-hate-to-pay-my-bills' feeling.

(image from Google, not sure who the artist is)

Work

Long holiday, deep sense of satisfaction....you feel grateful to be alive...


And then you go to work....listen to complaints...know that you are in the wrong place....
you can`t imagine going to work the next day
You remind yourself that it is the place that pays you to pay bills
you remind yourself of the stoic practice

And you try to survive

No this is not going to be how I spend the rest of the year...




Today I made a clear decision

Time's Up

I was just there..walking or running......and there was a voice

"Okay, time is up"

I remember wanting to go on, feeling disappointed...

Then........... total darkness.....


I remember waking up terrified.
Of all the dreams/nightmares I've had, this really shook me because,
(a) I have been wishing to die for a while but when I actually died (in my dream) I was dissapointed
(b) I remember I was really dissapointed because I didn`t try my business idea or have the life I really wanted

So....this time I started to really make things count...daily...
I'm much more aware now,took two more days off from work (without feeling guilty).

Going to use these two days to work on my 'inner world'...and oh...yes ....can`t wait to checkout 'Tuesdays with Morrie' :)

Moment of bliss

You go to work in the morning and the voice in your head keeps muttering "this is not what you should be doing with your life" over and over again.

Your co-workers are near you, trying to figure out a timeline of a project, they argue and discuss.

You kept working on your document despite the background and inside voices and reached for your headphones,and by accident saw "The Way - by Fastball".

You started playing.

............And then you experience pure bliss in that chaos.

Quickie update

Can`t seem to remember to blog these days, so thought of jotting down what has been going on in my life for future reference:D

-Found yet another wonderful book by Tony Robbins (yes i'm 'self help book junkie')
- Left a job after almost three years
- Made significant changes in my life and started putting my life first
- Have a new bigger goal to keep me motivated

well i guess that's about it..............  Oh and yes, started a new job too :)))))))

Hope everyone else has been good!

The crazy 8

That's how the extreme mood swings were described by Tony Robbins; the crazy 8. Yes,I've been listening to a lot of those lately. Mostly because of my crazy mood swings and my extreme resistance towards change.
Talking about change, that's what marriage is all about. Change in routine, new family members to hang out with, more duties to do......I certainly do not want to lose myself in of all of these changes, that's what i'm scared of most; Losing my identity. To be honest not even sure what I want to do anymore..

All this time I thought I wanted to climb up  the corporate ladder and be this 'big shot', but the strangest thing happened the other day. I had to walk past these 'big shots' in the company(they had come for a meeting), as I walked pass them I just couldn`t picture myself being one of them. All this time when I see powerful women I just tell myself that's where I wanna be. But now that I'm 30 I just don`t feel like working towards that goal.
Anyway my new goal is retiring at 35:) I realized that I need some new goals to keep me alive and not go into weird depressed moods.
Found this site http://www.gratitudelog.com/ which seems to be helping me out quite a lot. Being grateful daily does seem to keep my demons away.

taking a break

Took a couple of days off work, partly because I was sick but mostly because I just can`t seem to stay there anymore. I really am grateful for the job cz i get paid, but I feel like this job is starting to kill me. I'm complaining to everyone and have started to suck the life out of everyone too. So I thought I need to just stop and think carefully before complaining next time, noone really wants to hear all of your troubles now do they?

They have their own troubles to deal with and instead of sending out a positive message I seem to be draining the life out of them...sigh.......Going to try getting into my own business soon. Being a scientist doesn`t seem to be giving me any kind of satisfaction anymore.

Enough about work..lets not talk about the impending nuptials (not bcz i'm not okay with it, but it's still the scariest thing for me)....anyway.... i'm trying to meditate again and focusing on inner peace and letting go is finally bringing me some kind of peace :)

I need a new job !!!!!

maybe i need a new label that says daily complains or something..

job hunt again?

yes..as much as i hoped this would be the job that i like and would settle for life, i honestly don't have the heart to do this anymore. i have a boss who is not concerned about the company but his  own agendas. he's actually not letting me work! he himself mentioned (jokingly) that he has this sadistic desire to torture people and thats what he likes to do at work. i think i don't wanna stick around to see where this is going.
its just that i feel like my brain is shrinking everytime i go to work!
i'm officially looking for another more fulfilling job!(i feel excited in a strange way)

Back at one

Things were going so well for a while, I was surrounded with everyone else's drama and I was giving advice helping any way I can and I was in a state of 'happy'. Well i guess everyone else's drama finally got to me  and I honestly don`t know who to turn to. I don`t wanna whine about my mother to my better half all the time, he has enough things to worry about on his own. Honestly I don`t even know why she still manage to bring me to tears while i'm at work when she calls me and say something mean. I keep telling myself that it's not about me, it's all about her unfulfilled childhood/life that's making her hate her own daughter but it doesn`t mean i'm not human. Just like any other bully she's just a mean insecure person but just because she clothed and fed me doesn`t mean i should keep up with her shit now does it. I put up a protective wall and i was secure and thought i dont give a shit but turns out i ended crying in the middle of the office after hearing less that 10 sentences from her over the phone...when did i get so weak? On top of all that my friend who is going through a 'crisis' in her marriage wanted to meet me for lunch. I had enough drama at work so i honestly didn`t wanna go. Maybe on some subconscious level I didn`t want to go because listening to her story and her questions and her perspective made me question my own relationship cz the very things she fights about is what i choose to ignore.So i tried to avoid her a lil bit but i do listen to her daily and say whatever i can to help her feel better. Anyway she ended up accusing me of being selfish and not having time for friends anymore....sigh....
Even at work my boss has started acting like a 'bully', one min he's extremely kind next min he's manipulative and cunning and .......why do i keep attracting these kinds of ppl into my life.

Life is too short to surround myself with ppl that makes me unhappy and depressed. The question is how do i get away from these ppl? well i just read this quote and i've heard it a million times but i just have to act on it..soon! not soon..NOW! Starting with a super mental barrier :)

Scientists and non-scientists

Having worked as a scientist in the past i know for a fact that this is what happens to 99.9% of research :-(

Feel good moment

When your boss calls you in and says you did a very good presentation and that he's glad he hired you......
well a brilliant way to start your week :-)

Bribes

I donno whether I shoud be happy or sad about bribing myself a nice pastry from the next door pastryshop to get me through the day. Well comfort food always works for me, plus mondays are always depressing especially when you have to meet deadlines at work and you  haven`t done anything (but that doesn`t mean you should eat from there everyday!). I should probably get back to work now....

drive

what drives you in life? the thing that you are passionate about? Do you like the job that you are doing? I don`t think a lot of us do..yes we need to get paid.But deep down i wanna do my job to the fullest, to learn something from it and to grow as a person.Lately I`ve been feeling like I'm not good enough to do my job.I donno, i have started panicking already, but even the slightest hint that i was hired bcz of looks makes me sad.

I wanna be good at what I do,let me rephrase that; I wanna be great at what i do!

"your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven`t found it yet, keep looking and don`t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you`ll know when you find it".

 -Steve Jobs 

perfect

conversation with a collegue..

her:hey you broke your nail!
me:yeah, got caught up in something, can`t remember
her:So your not perfect!!
me:(what????) you think i`m perfect??
her:well..yeah...
I didn`t even wanna to reply to that...never thought that anyone would think i`m miss.perfect

December

December started off with my new job (yay!!), which seems okay for now. There`s a lot to learn which is great. what i didn`t expect was wearing a saree (in a lab of all places). I don`t hate a lot of things but wearing a saree early morning pisses me off, but i`m actually surprised that i`m going through with it. Maybe i might end up liking wearing a saree or maybe not...

The call

phone starts ringing in the middle of my evening nap..
me: (sleepily) Hello
  ?  : Is this Ms...............?
me:  Yes
?  : You have an interview next Tuesday, at 2.30..You applied for the post of X(?)
me: er........(trying to figure out which one, out of thousands of places i applied).......yeah
?   : meet Mr.X when you get there
me: er......(stop talking like a dumbo you nut, they are calling you for an interview!)..Mr.X is it?
?   : yes ..(by now she figured i had no idea )...do you want the address?

me : YES (sound professional you dummy)
? : ................................
me: Thank you
?  : You`re welcome
me: bye 
me: running to match that address with the ones that i applied to....

....oh joy.....

Realistic me vs Positive me

Pm-they already hired, oh well..i`ll try the other place
Rm-what other place?, you`ve been saying that for the past 2 years. you still don`t have a decent job.loser
Pm-hey, at least i studied and..
Rm-and what? in every interview they ask why you don`t have work experience, not about your stupid certificates
Pm-look , i`m trying, i really am trying..i`m just being positive and the law of attraction says...
Rm-yeah, yeah, u might as well expect a freaking unicorn to show up at our doorstep and give you magic dust..
Pm-At least i have a roof above my head, and food to eat and..
Rm-you don`t have a job, you wanna be with a guy who probably thinks you`re a clingy nut job, your mom disapproves every word that comes out of your mouth and wants to leave your dad-again(and putting up a united front to the world), you`re still not allowed to go out of the house alone(you`ve been in this world for almost three decades now!?), you`re doing absolutely nothing!!! you think you`re needed anywhere?? I`m pretty sure only your dog will miss you if you die today..Jeez wake up, life without purpose is as good as dead..and what is up with your crying like a baby every week?? do you even know why your crying?
Pm-is it safe to say that i`m clinically depressed?

Jobless again....

two weeks after my resignation...well that went fast..
Applied to few more companies we`ll see how that goes. Been playing angry birds Rio-which is quite fun and very addictive:-) and i  started playing badminton again, after a decade or so...which is great, i`ve forgotten how much i liked sports. I`ve been downloading basically any new show that i come across, so that i can keep my mind occupied. I`m starting to like the series switched at birth; so far all the episodes have been interesting and quite dramatic.
Went to a place that gives cancer patients a place to stay(free of charge) after treatment, this is especially a great place for those who come from far. Even a relative of the patient can stay there, and the place looks really clean and well maintained. We went to pay for one meal for the patients. while walking around the place i saw three kids, bald-probably due to chemotherapy, i think they were around 6-7yrs. My mind wondered as to what their condition was and how they diagnosed the condition, how the family is coping...but i walked out without asking anything.


I donno what is up with my nightmares these days. Almost everyday i wake up seeing the same thing; when i`m driving along a huge wave comes and hits me-some days the place is different...and i always wakes up when i`m about to drown....