this year.....

Time alone...lots of time alone
Trip
Coffee dates :-)
LabTraining
chickenpox :-(
More time alone -learned a lot about myself
First car (Steve)
First job
haircut and straightening for 3rd(not sure) time
Learning about ppl
Quitting my first(crappy) job
Depressed state
Learning about family members
My place :-)
More time alone
Realizations
maid of honor at my friends wedding :-)
Best friend`s baby boy ( first time i got excited about a child being born)
blabbering my feelings
second job :-) ( hopefully it will be great and will last long)
New friends :-)
First proper salary :-))))

I think it`s been a great year, yes there were extremely depressed moments but all in all it was all good:-)

 

perfect

conversation with a collegue..

her:hey you broke your nail!
me:yeah, got caught up in something, can`t remember
her:So your not perfect!!
me:(what????) you think i`m perfect??
her:well..yeah...
I didn`t even wanna to reply to that...never thought that anyone would think i`m miss.perfect

lesson #5

Don`t try to change others opinion about you. They will think whatever they want.Just be yourself, be true to what you believe in and do the right thing.

December

December started off with my new job (yay!!), which seems okay for now. There`s a lot to learn which is great. what i didn`t expect was wearing a saree (in a lab of all places). I don`t hate a lot of things but wearing a saree early morning pisses me off, but i`m actually surprised that i`m going through with it. Maybe i might end up liking wearing a saree or maybe not...

Saturday

coffee
lunch
driving around
one of those very rare nights that i went to bed smiling

Project

I`ve always dreamt of living in my own place ( bachelorette pad rather). Anyway since i`m living in SL and parents have this 'not allowed to move out till marriage` rule, i thought i`m atleast going to decorate & furnish my place, and of course the garden. My mom is opposing big time, regardless of that, i`m going to decorate my place. I don`t know when but everything starts with the mental picture right. so, i thought whenever i see a picture of something i want in my place, i`m gonna post here. so when the time comes, it`ll be a lot easier to pick stuff to my place.

                                            wallpaper from here

Lesson #4

You read (or know) about cheating husbands/boyfriends, crappy marriages/relationships, the pain of heartbreak...etc...but don`t let those prevent you from getting closer to people. Live life. After all its been said that 'In 20 years you will regret the things that you didn`t do than the things that you did`. But make sure that you have your own back because, people will come and go from your life and you should be able to stand on your own feet and take a walk by yourself;while having a good conversation... with yourself of course :)

why do i...

...feel like a sad little puppy now?

Lesson # 3

Try to give your full attention when someone is talking to you, especially when it comes to your parents. Don`t keep staring at the tv or pc when they are talking to you. Don`t check mails or browse the net when you`re on the phone. And don`t keep checking your phone if your out on a date or hanging out with friends. People will feel it when you give their full attention and when you don`t. Remember how you would feel if you talk and the person you`re talking to goes on nodding and texting at the same time.  Everyone deserves to be heard.

Grimm

              only three episodes so far, I already love the show! Hope it doesn`t get cancelled :)

Hurt

you are not sure whether you want to stick around or not. I`m glad you are being honest with me, i really am. For me , personally, when i meet someone that i can be myself with, have long conversations with, that i`m attracted to, that i have feelings for...I don`t take that for granted. That`s a lesson i learned the hard way. so if you want to draw a line, just because you don`t wanna hurt me; i will respect that. I`ll try my best to keep a relevant distance; i can`t promise that though, i`m weak in that sense, but i`ll be stronger. But please know that I`ll always be here , if you need to talk or anything... 

The call

phone starts ringing in the middle of my evening nap..
me: (sleepily) Hello
  ?  : Is this Ms...............?
me:  Yes
?  : You have an interview next Tuesday, at 2.30..You applied for the post of X(?)
me: er........(trying to figure out which one, out of thousands of places i applied).......yeah
?   : meet Mr.X when you get there
me: er......(stop talking like a dumbo you nut, they are calling you for an interview!)..Mr.X is it?
?   : yes ..(by now she figured i had no idea )...do you want the address?

me : YES (sound professional you dummy)
? : ................................
me: Thank you
?  : You`re welcome
me: bye 
me: running to match that address with the ones that i applied to....

....oh joy.....

lesson #2

sometimes its a lot better to keep your thoughts to yourself. Especially when it comes to family. You may not believe in the same things that they believe in, or follow their traditions, just don`t say it out loud. Staying quiet and not questioning(or mocking) them will keep you from a lot of troubles.

lesson #1

Your mom always has an agenda, sometimes it may be of your best interest, sometimes its not. So approach with caution, think things through, and DON`T fight back. That will make her more aggressive and determined. Be more sneaky. Do what feels right.

Love

this weather
the way i`m feeling right now

the most relaxing tune ever

According to this the song Weightless by Marconi Union is supposed to be a clinically proven song that`s supposed to reduce stress, induce sleep...etc..I personally didn`t find the tune to be relaxing. From their top ten list of 'calming' songs, pure shores by All saints has a much calming effect than this tune. Anyway That reminded me of another song; Angels by Robbie Williams, back then i saw on tv that one couple bought the original paper in which Robbie wrote that song because their baby used to sleep listening to that song.
Music was so good back then...

Realistic me vs Positive me

Pm-they already hired, oh well..i`ll try the other place
Rm-what other place?, you`ve been saying that for the past 2 years. you still don`t have a decent job.loser
Pm-hey, at least i studied and..
Rm-and what? in every interview they ask why you don`t have work experience, not about your stupid certificates
Pm-look , i`m trying, i really am trying..i`m just being positive and the law of attraction says...
Rm-yeah, yeah, u might as well expect a freaking unicorn to show up at our doorstep and give you magic dust..
Pm-At least i have a roof above my head, and food to eat and..
Rm-you don`t have a job, you wanna be with a guy who probably thinks you`re a clingy nut job, your mom disapproves every word that comes out of your mouth and wants to leave your dad-again(and putting up a united front to the world), you`re still not allowed to go out of the house alone(you`ve been in this world for almost three decades now!?), you`re doing absolutely nothing!!! you think you`re needed anywhere?? I`m pretty sure only your dog will miss you if you die today..Jeez wake up, life without purpose is as good as dead..and what is up with your crying like a baby every week?? do you even know why your crying?
Pm-is it safe to say that i`m clinically depressed?

I wanna sing this..

I’m imprisoned, I’m living a lie
Another night putting on a disguise
I wanna tear it off and step in the light
Don’t you, don’t you?

So now I’m knocking at your front door
And I’m looking for the right cure
I’m still a little bit unsure
Cos I know,
Yeah I know

That most people see me as ordinary
But if you look close you’ll find I’m very
Interesting and hard to know
You can never tell where this might go
Cos I’m not your average, average person
I don’t know much, but I know for certain
But I’m just a little bit extra, extra
I’m just a little bit extra ordinary

I can see it from the spark in your eyes
You believe in all the things you deny
You wanna fly and leave all you worries behind
Don’t you, don’t you?

Well now I’m knocking at your front door
And I’m looking for the right cure
I’m still a little bit unsure
Cos I know,
Yeah I know

That most people see me as ordinary
But if you look close you’ll find out I’m very
Interesting and hard to know
You can never tell where this might go
Cos I’m not your average, average person
I don’t know much, but I know for certain
But I’m just a little bit extra, extra
I’m just a little bit extra ordinary


song by Lucy Hale, when did i start listening to cheesy songs...hmmmmmmm

something i heard today

Three words, eight letters , don`t come out right when no one wants to hear them


..so true..

Stop

chasing after love....or job....or...life.....just forget about everything and enjoy watching what its like to live in a pineapple under the sea-yes spongebob :-)

messed up post to myself

Dear Universe

Ever since i read the book on the law of attraction , i`ve been turning to you. I did receive certain things in the most incredible ways ( free books on scientific management-shipped from Belgium, that was pretty cool). Anyway for two years i`ve been doing everything possible to get a decent job, i really badly need one right now. In all the recent interviews, they all ask about my work experience, and i`m pretty sure thats when they decide not to hire me. That doesn`t mean i`m giving up, i`m gonna keep applying and trying until i get a job, i would really appreciate your help. As for love , thank you for letting me experience what its like to care/want someone, what its like to wait.......to behave bcz of somebody......It may have been one sided; the way i felt, but thank you for letting me feel those emotions. If you take that away from me, i`m gonna turn into the ice queen i was before, you should know that. Pls keep everyone i care about safe and happy. I`ve been feeling my heart rate getting slower everyday. Maybe its something i do to myself. Should i burn out or fade away ? maybe neither. I don`t know.

I need my big break..........

Time alone

Its something everyone enjoys. Having the right amount of alone time is good enough. Too much makes you feel lonely. But when you love yourself with all your heart, you realize that you can be the best company you can have. I`m not making sense now am i,its just something that i`ve been learning.
Ive been watching a lot of Oprah lately.When she interviews all the famous ppl, oprah always shows us how those ppl live today. I noticed that most of the supermodels/actresses/singers/authors...etc...hv chosen a life with nature. Most having their own farm, picking berries, other fruits, and sipping juice while watching the sunset. One famous supermodel (now in her late 50s) is enjoying knitting everyday with a group of women. They have all the money in the world and what they enjoy is simple life, with nature and animals(mostly dogs)..Most didn`t have men by their side...hmmm :-)
Mom went to India for a week and got back. Its the first trip on her own after she got married (meaning after 30 yrs or so) . First she was reluctant to go , but after pushing her to do so, she went with sis-in-law`s mom. And they had the best time-We even teased her asking whether she`s gonna stay there when she called. This picture that she took (not sure whether its in Bodhgaya) made me wonder, what it was like thousands of years ago. Whenever i look at the remaining  staircases in the picture,  my mind starts to wonder; maids climbing up and down wearing silky white Indian clothing, mistress of the house walking around wearing heavy jewelery ...and...i need to stop staring at the pic now:-)

what the.......

Its something that you always wanted and you`re running away??? whats the matter with you??

tv series ..

i just thought i`ll make up a list of series i`ve been watching for the past couple of years and the ones i`m still/started watching..And yes i am jobless enough to make up a list:-) just wanna remember the good ones

1.X-Files
Grew up watching this, Best show ever
2. Charmed
The magic, the sisters and their fashion sense, and of course the hot guys that came into their lives. Loved it
3. Jericho
Short lived but a very good show. Loved the humanness of it.
4. Harpers Island
 Group of very hot people in an Island for a wedding. Getting killed in each episode. Each death(or the way they were killed) was very unpredictable.
5. V (2009)
The show had a good run, didn`t like the way it ended though.
6. Friends
My all time fav comedy. Still watch re-runs
7.The 4400
Some seasons were better, all in all good show.
8. Merlin
Funny, emotional at times and enjoyed watching it. It was a good change watching something of a different time where kings ruled, the village ppl, wooden houses and my mind wondered what its like to live in a place like that.......
9.Terminator Sara Conner Chronicles
Each episode kept me on the edge
10.The Gates
Combination of ware-wolves and vampires. One of the best shortlived ( 1 season) episodes i`ve ever watched.
11. Fear Itself
  some episodes were scarier than others.Twisted/scary/groggy tv show.
12. Dead Like me
     There was one line in the very first episode that hit me hard ("my sister was very much invisible to me until  the day i died"). Made me think about taking things for granted
13. Better off Ted
Geeky funny show for science lovers.
14.Lie to me
Loved the first season
15. Gossip Girl
   Fashion, money, hot guys and girls and the drama. What i like about the show is no matter how many times they hurt each other, this group of friends always get together  whenever one gets into trouble.
16. Pretty Little Liars
Suspense and drama
17. The Lying Game
     Just started watching.So far so good
18. Switched at Birth
      The world of deaf and hearing and two families trying to make things work. Loved it so far
19.Grey`s Anatomy  
     Loved the first few seasons
20. ER
     watched the first few seasons until the 'original' cast dropped off
21.Prison Break
    First season was the best
22.The Practice
     Very dramatic, show of lawyers from almost a decade ago.
23.Psych
  Funny drama, a lot like the mentalist
24. The mentalist
    Brilliant show
25. Stargate SG-1
     Watched it back when it was on local channels
26. That 70`s show
27.Will and Grace
28.Castle    
28.Gilmore Girls
      I guess most watched it when we were back in shcool. First saw Jared Padalecki on this show;-).

29.Flash-forward
   Good thriller, good short lived show.
30.Tru Calling
31.Judging Amy
     Loved the drama
32. Roswell
33.Nikita (2010)
34.Alias
35.Dawson`s creek
36.Desperate Housewives
Loved the first season
37.Love Bites
38.According to Jim
39.Smallville
40.Unnatural History
41.7th Heaven
42.Small Wonder
43.Spell Binder
Brilliant.Loved it
44..Couger Town
45.  Drake and Josh
 Love Drake Bell and his singing and of course his cool, easy going character in the show.
46.Lois & Clarck
47..One Tree Hill
48..Dark Skies
49.Cold Case
50.The Nanny
51.Alf
52.Dark Angel
53.The OC
54.Alphas
55.Vanished
     Loved watching Gale Harold.
56.Hot in Cleaveland
57.The Nine Lives of Chloe King
58.The Zack Files
59.Haven
hmmmm guess i spent most of my life living in those characters...

right now

starting to miss someone...Its been a couple of years since i started to let myself feel.. being vulnerable.... being open with the way i feel......

Anyway that reminded me of  someone from almost a decade ago. Thought about all the 'what ifs'.....we lost touch because we lost means of communication(No phone connection at that end ). i did search for the name when FB started but i didn`t find the person i looked for. I wonder where i would be today if i had kept in touch, why i didn`t  think ahead, how i missed the one chance of meeting that person again-the letter i got scolding me for not showing up....i still have a bunch of letters that was hand delivered by another friend....
I just feel like things were different back then. loyalty was something that came naturally. I think relationships these days are basically 'flings' unless stated otherwise. after seeing/experiencing several heartbreaks, even my mind has changed from wanting to settle down. To love and be loved, thats what i want right now...and of course a job :-D

Jobless again....

two weeks after my resignation...well that went fast..
Applied to few more companies we`ll see how that goes. Been playing angry birds Rio-which is quite fun and very addictive:-) and i  started playing badminton again, after a decade or so...which is great, i`ve forgotten how much i liked sports. I`ve been downloading basically any new show that i come across, so that i can keep my mind occupied. I`m starting to like the series switched at birth; so far all the episodes have been interesting and quite dramatic.
Went to a place that gives cancer patients a place to stay(free of charge) after treatment, this is especially a great place for those who come from far. Even a relative of the patient can stay there, and the place looks really clean and well maintained. We went to pay for one meal for the patients. while walking around the place i saw three kids, bald-probably due to chemotherapy, i think they were around 6-7yrs. My mind wondered as to what their condition was and how they diagnosed the condition, how the family is coping...but i walked out without asking anything.


I donno what is up with my nightmares these days. Almost everyday i wake up seeing the same thing; when i`m driving along a huge wave comes and hits me-some days the place is different...and i always wakes up when i`m about to drown....

Rebuilding

The wall around my heart
It was so high and strong
Broken down with a lot of effort, little by little
Started to feel the warmth of the world
wanted to stay warm and happy
but the ways of the world says otherwise
Started to get chills from the world
Started to become weak and vulnerable
Need the wall to be back up again
Need to feel safe

Been a while

since a song brought me to tears.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ex7NFDXQoo

Do I have to put up with this?

 it was a good start for my career, i mean, its my first job..
 i was unemployed for more than a year..
i was happy to get paid something, eventhough it was insanely low
i wanted job experience, learn something, get up everyday and go to work actually,
   but
They don`t give employees an appointment letter, EPF or ETF
The head of the company is a marketing major, but he calls himself a scientist and give insane answers (stem cells are cells that go through tubes.... i mean really??? if you don`t know the answer just say so without pretending or you can simply google it-like i do;-)  , when i gave my answer  , the boss kept saying that even though i completed my masters in science, i don`t know anything and went on to say more crap about how i should walk(!?) yes, he said i need to walk like a girl
Salary increment issue- he said that he will consider giving extra 4k depending on what i wear, like skirts(!%$?)
Boss shouts at ppl like a total nut job and i actually talked back :-) i really don`t like it when he gets in my personal space.....and he did ask me to come on Saturdays and Sundays when noone else is there

Should start typing my resignation letter.......

The difference

The homeless man that stays in church greeted me saying good morning today, i replied with a bright smile...

Guys in ties who work in `hotshot` companies walked by me after making several pervy comments......

I see all of them every single day, i would rather see the homeless man in the morning and greet him, rather than those men who think they are cute and smart enough to open their mouths..

most of the time....

i just wanna stay in bed and not get up............

the 19yr old

The youngest in the office is 19(ill call her R) and she basically hangs out with me.She`s sweet and fun but its a constant reminder of how old i am.when i`m talking to the other girl in the office (ill call her T), she usually comments and these are the things she has never heard of...
-TV shows we grew up with like X-files,charmed, spellbinder, robinhood
-when T mentioned that one of her childhood parties are in VHS format, R said that she has never seen one.
- she has never heard of Shania Twain, MLTR, Lifehouse

- she wasn`t even born when we watched the cartoons He-man and She-ra as kids
we asked for fun whether she has heard of president Premadasa, and she said no. 
well there`s more, on top of all this i received a mail which mentioned things that make you feel old.
the matrix came out 12 years ago??
home alone came out 20 years ago??
time has really flown out..
even though everyone keeps telling me to find a decent husband soon,  i need to slow down. i mean really slow down...
someone asked whether i`m 23yrs today, i didn`t even wanna tell him my real age:-)
ah well...life...

chopped

chopped off more than six inches of my hair and straightened it again, been wanting something to change for a while now and feels soo good. The best part of the whole thing was that the owner of the salon refused to cut my hair(which was upto my waist) short :-) she showed me a few styles and made it a lil bit longer than what i wanted. ppl keep asking me why i`m spending so much on my hair (this is the third time i`m getting it straightened), which is a lil annoying. I`m not getting any younger and i don`t know how long i`m gonna live, so i might as well try out all kinds of hairstlyes:-)

Went to another doc to check a nerve condition that keeps coming up, he directed me to get it tested on Monday, hopefully i`ll get a few answers then. Anyway work has been, interesting. Got my second paycheck but no more expenses for this month, spent enough on my hair already:-)

Hope i can get some sleep today, haven`t been sleeping through the night for a while now...

is it sooo hard?

i keep getting hit on by married men..is it that hard to stay faithful, to keep loving their wives?...

and why in the world do i keep getting attention of other men when i don`t get it from the one i want?

i want to believe

the phrase i loved so much from the tv show i grew up with. And yes i wanna believe that there`s life on other planets and of parallel worlds and all that, but more than that, i wanna believe that dreams can be achieved, That i don`t have to follow a defined path the society(or annoying relatives) sets me , free will, freedom, that i will be loved for who i am.......

No wonder i loved The Adjustment Bureau, one of the very few movies that i actually enjoyed without pressing fast-forward :-)

Just a thought....

I don`t know how long its been or how long its gonna be
I don`t know when i started liking you or have feelings for you
I`m doing my best to not get too attached, cz u asked me not to
I don`t wanna sound too clingy, i guess all i`m trying to say is
Thank you for being around

growing up

As i watched schoolgirls come out of the church, laughing, giggling , without a care in the world, my mind went back to when i was in school, When things were less complicated, when i loved actors (instead of actual ppl),when  my relationship with my mom was much better..........Do i wanna go back? certainly not. That was one stage in my life, despite all the worrying and the drama , i like where i am now. Talking about drama, my boss seems to be acting a little weird.I don`t know what to make of it, but my mind did start to wonder why the previous girls left the place. Anyway did get my very first salary, so thats all good:-)

I`ve gotten to a place where i don`t think about where my life is going when i hear that my friends are getting married or having babies. Guess i`ve given up on the whole idea :-) anyway was watching Oprah the other day, and something she said about love struck me hard. She was asked how many times she has been in love, and her answer was three, and she said that what she has learned is that real love doesn`t hurt. Food for thought indeed.

Time and space

 My brain has slowed down, instead of overanalyzing anything and everything, i`ve started to relax, understand and enjoy the moment.Hope this state of mind lasts longer. My mom is away for the weekend, i think this is the first time she went out on a trip leaving me and dad at home. she went with my sis-in-law`s(s-i-l) family which she loves and keeps telling me to find a guy with a family like that . Frankly i`m glad to stay at home, yes they are nice people but i just have to keep up this picture perfect appearance infront of them which is annoying . Plus whenever i`m around them i feel like the rebellious child and that its so wrong to be myself. thats what my parents and my s-i-l`s parents have in common, `children should do as they are told`-they should marry the person the parents want, make babies as soon as possible...etc...etc...and i can`t really have fun around them( s-i-l actually fell asleep at a concert and her sis was just sitting around and all i wanted was to get up on the chair and sing along with the crowd!! sigh..)

Just got off the phone with my cousin, she broke up with a guy she was engaged to, her parents and my mom of course was doing everything possible to make sure that happens, you know how parents use mental manipulation. I`m pretty sure if that guy was proposed by the parents they would do the same manipulative ways to make sure that she gets married to that dude.

I`m glad i`m immune to those traditional views(to a certain extent). I know now that i have to accept people for who they are, love them for who they are and that its ok to be myself. I`m enjoying the space i have in my life right now, downloading magazines, movies, tv series , documentaries (Inside the human body-pretty good actually, i sound geeky now)...i like losing myself in those characters,  well the less time spent worrying and overanalyzing, the better i feel :-)

If i did it all again.....

"If i did it all again i`ll be a nun"...lyrics from the song-strong by Robbie Williams, a decade ago i wouldn`t have agreed with that sentence, ....but now...........escape from real life is all i want.........

the good and the bad....

The month of May has so far been great...found a job after 17 months of unemployment, been working for two days now:-). Feels great to have the thought that i`m earning something, and learning the whole `work` atmosphere. And my bestie told me that she`s expecting her first child and another friend of mine is getting married.She also asked me to be her bridesmaid, i think she ran out of all the single friends(yes i`m one of the very few unmarried ones) cz i`m a lot more taller than she is:-) anyway i said yes cz she`s not someone i can say no to, but when she said she might kill the groom cz of all the stress, i realized what i just got myself into. Hopefully it`s gonna be a beach wedding and should be fun.
 On a more negative note..
i was coming home from work, with my brother and my sis-in-law, stuck in traffic. A three-wheeler came on the wrong side of the road,blocked the whole side and got blasted by a van driver who came from the opposite direction.They shouted at each other and the van passed by, but was stuck in traffic. The taxi driver stopped it, right infront of our car, this is in the middle of the road, got down, lifted the back seat and took something. I was saying to myself `let it not be a knife or a gun`, it was a huge metal bar.Then he walked to the van which was still stuck in traffic, i thought he was gonna smash the drivers head with it, or smash a window. Just when he was a few feet away the traffic cleared and the van drove off. All this time we just stayed in the car, waited for the taxi driver to come back and drive away clearing the road for us. What if he had hit the poor fellow, who was gonna stop him?, what if it was the other way round, some mad driver coming at us , who`s gonna help us?   My cousin always says if u see some kind of a robbery or anything, throw whatever you have at the bugger and run off, yes its a risk , but if nobody does anything....
anyway, the day went well, and just remembered a quote i wrote down some time back, i wanna remember & live by it ,
"History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad ppl, but the appalling silence of the good ppl"-Martin Luther King

2nd interview for this year

guess it went well than the first interview couple of months ago.only the boss interviewed me, gave me immediate feedback, he even put marks infront of me saying how many marks he was giving me and why:-) The job doesn`t really involve lab work but i need to start from somewhere. He also asked me wether i have a facebook account and wether i upload pics all the time and that if i have lots of boyfriends he would hire me immediately:-) was asked to come for the 2nd interview tomorrow, hope that goes well.

while i was sitting there i was chatting with the others who came for the job, they were science graduates/PGs all looking for jobs. complained of the same thing ...less pay, no research grants, very less job opportunities. All my other friends changed their paths and started doing management or IT and landed jobs. I have friends who are working as scientists who`s basic salary is extremely low, they are exposed to a lot of chemicals, and holds a great deal of responsibility...i just think there`s something wrong with that whole picture. Everywhere i go ppl go like....`oh u did science, that means you`re screwed`....i always respond with a smile and say i just studied what i loved.

feels like.........

i have no words to say, my mom said something out loud.....yes, she said she doesn`t love me (almost hates me) because i never fulfilled her dream for me which was to become a doctor, marry a doctor and have kids by now(and yes she`s that narrow minded). And yes, she gave all her possessions to my brother bcz he`s the only child that listened and obeyed her every wish. And no i don`t care about what i get or don`t get, guess i can`t ask for love....

oh well....can`t wait to find a job and move out...:

The Edge

Do you know what its like? when ppl say they have your back and encourages you to jump, saying they won`t let you fall...you turn around and nobody`s really there.....

well, i`ve found myself in many situations like this, each time i learn something new about myself, grow as a person and realize again that in life and in many situations i can count on....me , myself and I.

New Year Rush

This has been the most tiresome new year so far.  I do like spending time picking out gifts and shopping of course, but i don`t think i wanna go shopping for the next 6 months or so.Plus i would`ve enjoyed buying gifts if i`m allowed to go alone, i do think its a lil insane that a girl/woman past 25yrs is still under strict parental supervision.
anyway week started with an almsgiving my mom had planned. Mom`s and my new sis-in-law`s(s-i-l) B`days was that week too,and s-i-l`s aunt passed away so the day before new year was spent at the funeral.
I`m not being judgmental but i actually expected s-i-l to go to her aunts and be there for the family cz she always tells me that they were raised by their aunts and uncles. She didn`t seem to wanna go there much and went with us just for the funeral. Maybe its her way of dealing with it. why do i care about all of this? cz my mom said that s-i-l knows how to live with ppl and make a lot of friends. That is indeed true, she hugs my mom everytime she comes over, and compliments the food or what she wears etc. she never says anything looks bad or tastes bad. I on the other hand have the `bad` habit of speaking the truth. If i can`t eat something(that tastes bad) i don`t pretend to like it, i just say i can`t eat it. Now i`ve learned that many ppl would rather hear white lies so, i`ve learned to stay quiet most of the time.


Dropped by a friend`s place with my parents, they were just so happy to see us. I`ve known her since grade 6, her place is probably the only house that i`ve felt `homely`, eventhough i`ve only been there a couple of times over the years.

Months keep passing by and i`m still at the same place and time.......

unsettled

I used to have this habit of watching movies thats only with good actors, good special effects or good music. Recently none of these movies lived upto my expectations; i always end up hitting fast forward. Thats when i started turning to low budget movies and British tv series. I have to admit most of this low budget movies took me by surprise towards the end, like triangle, dead awake and afterlife. The British mini series 32 Brinkburn street was better than i expected, its been a while since i`ve actually enjoyed watching anything. Its always the same old story with movies these days.Lost interest in Glee, still like merlin though; keeps me watching till the end. And the songs these days, not a lot of songs stick around in my mind. There`s only one song that i`ve never gotten tired of listening to(wherever you will go-The Calling), been listening to it for more than a decade now :-) I don`t know whether its the voice or the tune or lyrics , my mind just goes back in time when everything was simple and i was just happy.

I`m starting to see different sides of ppl, a friend of mine stopped talking to me-i honestly have no idea as to why.
I`m talking about nonsense when i`m supposed to be making a poster. The only reason i sent an application cz my friend insisted, i can`t even remember what i did for my project more than a year ago. Its as if my brain has stopped working.
I`ve gotten closer to someone when i know for a fact that i can`t expect anything in return.
why didn`t i stop my ice cold heart from melting?
This post is all over the place...thats how unsettled my mind is..

April

unbearable heat
unemployment
poster presentation
need a fish tank
words that keep hurting me
things i just don`t understand

My brain is just too tired to spell it all out properly. Feel so alone right now.

WTF!!!

 my brother came over today after dropping off my sis-in-law for classes. He was on my pc watching trailers,i just let him do whatever he wants thinking that he doesn`t get much time on his own ,now that he`s married- he spends half the time driving his wife here and there and ofcourse she makes him cook too:-)..
Anyway when i came back notepad was open and to my shock and anger there it was, facebook msgs (as if i use it often), my fb msgs between me and my friends. i mean WTF@!!#$%.!!!...he could`ve just read it and closed it..but no..he had to copy and paste it in notepad so he can go through each and every msg carefully????? ..i hate it when ppl go thru my stuff, let alone my fb msgs??? #$%#$%......note to self, i`m not gonna help him pick a present for his wife....i donno WTF is up with this family.they never listen when i talk and prefer to listen to my phone conversations, and check my fb msgs...i mean really WTF???

In Search of Serenity

I used to go for an elocution class when i was small, i think i was 7yrs or something. I can`t remember the exact place, i know it was in Modera. There was a church across the road, after each class i stood there with my mom for the bus, watching all the ppl who went to the church. For me it seems so big; maybe bcz i was so small, like it was up in a mountain.The church was in fact in a higher ground, had to climb a couple of stairs to get to the church. Anyway there was such a mystical feeling to it, i used to stare at the building wondering what it would be like inside. I never got to go there, since we`re Buddhists my mom wouldn`t let me go inside. Lately all i wanna do is go there and feel that sense of calmness i felt all those years ago. I even tried to google the churches in that area just to see a picture of that church. I hope its not surrounded with buildings now, i hope it hasn`t changed much, after almost two decades. Going to the temple hasn`t done much to me, it was just too crowded and i just didn`t feel that sense of serenity i was hoping to feel by going to the temple.

I try to find comfort in songs, usually gets my mind off things and makes me feel a bit better. There`s one particular song that i always listen to when i wanna run away and hide, Dare you to move by Switchfoot. I need to start listening to it again.

In my head

me 1:   what do you think you`re doing?
me 2:   what?
me 1:   You know what i`m talking about, when did you start liking men?
me 2:    I don`t like men, its just this one person thats all.
me 1:   Yeah, well thats what i`m worried about, keep your distance woman,
           you`re gonna get hurt.
me 2:   So what, i`m just human.
me 1:   What is it with you, laying it all out like that, don`t throw yourself at him,
            he`s gonna think you`re desperate or something,
            can`t you just.....
me 2:   No, i don`t know how to play mind games, i just tell how i feel,
           besides i`m just taking things as it is, i`m not thinking long term,
           i just like him..i just ...
me 1:  I know, still can`t believe you would go head over heels
          for this guy..he should run for his life:-)
me 2:  very funny, fyi  i`m not expecting anything back from him, i shouldn`t,
me 1:  you got that right, At least you`re smiling...btw you need to
          work a lil harder to find a job. sitting at home all day won`t work.
me 2:  it`s not like i haven`t stopped looking, its getting too frustrated now
me 1:  i know, it sucks, at least you don`t have to get up early..
me 2:  yeah, well that`s only for now..
me 1:  one more thing, stay in touch with your friends missy, don`t try to
           isolate yourself from the world
me 2: i`m used to that
me 1: well, stop getting used to that
me 2: are you gonna keep yelling at me or are you gonna help me find
         something to wear?
me 1: that grey top looks good..

My Fluffy pillow

is always there for me , when tears need to fall....till i fall asleep.......
i just wanna feel loved.....

Unwritten

Unwritten- Natasha Bedingfield, seems to be the song of the week. Everywhere i go, i keep hearing it; good lyrics too:-). Almost three months into this year, haven`t found a job yet, but i have opened my heart and mind to levels that i`ve never known before. I`ve started appreciating things a lot more, making a conscious effort to change, learn from others; especially from my new sis-in-law.She has this caring attitude towards ppl that makes me wonder whether its genuine or a way to survive(especially with my mom). I do get suspicious when ppl are kind to me and always wonder what they want from me-i don`t think i want to get rid of that habit cz i have been burned before.

Anyway Did something that i`ve been doing in my head for such a long time, that i had to remind myself that it was actually real; I did end up grinning like an idiot for the rest of the day:-) 

maybe i need a sign

Its not something i ever had in my life. Whenever i had the opportunity i walked away from it. I just wasn`t ready for anything. Now that i want it, i just can`t seem to get a hold of the whole thing. Maybe i want it too much, i was trying so hard to keep my feelings in check, but still, didn`t even notice getting so attached. I know i shouldn`t, i am being told that i shouldn`t, why do i still want it.
Is it bad karma of walking away from so many, that i can`t seem to have it now. Don`t i deserve to know what its like? Shouldn`t i feel nothing at all? Is it so wrong to want something more?
the only thing that i`m sure of right now is, i can`t switch from person to person just like that. Maybe i`m being too old fashioned, but thats just who i am.

Relationships, i don`t even understand that term anymore.

Recovery & back to routine

The mirror is back on the wall, apart from fever and pain the worst thing about chickenpox is the spots ( that im hoping will disapear in time). I think the doc gave sleeping pills as well coz i can`t remember the last time i slept the whole day. I`m glad that whole `being sick` phase is over. Back to eating, sleeping and looking for a job routine :-)

this sucks.....

Supposed to be the final week of my training , and i`m down with chickenpox :-( I for one did not see that coming. It`s weird, my brain kept saying stay at home, go lie down, and when i woke up, well there were spots all over me. Trying my best not to go infront of mirrors that much, but when i see the look on my mom`s face when she sees me......oh well.....
On a positive note, doc`s medicine is making me sleepy all the time. I don`t mind sleeping all day;should help me get through this week:-)

Training & other things

Trainee status is about to end, and i have to focus on the job hunt again. I did learn a lot during this time, more than the actual work, its about ppl that i learned of; office politics is the general term :-) I`m actually surprised how calm i am, at times when ppl walk all over me. Maybe its not calmness, i just don`t care anymore. ppl will think what they want to think, i can`t be bothered to change their opinion, they just have to see things for what it is, if they can`t ,well, i don`t care.
A friend of mine came over after a long time, she was complaining about getting hit on by 15yr olds and about us being too old, i kept telling her that mid 20s isn`t too old, right?  :-) (for the record i`m not suggesting dating young boys). Anyway, Need to enjoy whats left of the time, go out with cousins and friends at least once a month and just live.

Need

work..
I just need to get lost in work...not ppl....work......

Zoned out

I know i have a tendency of getting zoned out in the middle of a conversation; that is if that conversation is about marriage or social norms or something like that :-) , Anyway i did not expect to get zoned out while i was driving.I keep replaying it over and over again in my head, i just can`t remeber that car hitting us, i just didn`t see it coming.Worst part is, its not even my own car, its my brother`s one. Fortunately for me there was no major damage, parked it outside my house and didn`t even tell my parents about it. My sis-in-law was nice enough to infrom my parents about it, while i was hiding in my room :-).

Need to start meditating or something.....maybe that`ll help me to be more focused while driving..

Over the years

I`ve changed, a lot. Back when I was a teen, I wanted to be married when I was 24, wanted to have kids before i`m 30, even believed that there can be only one guy for life. That girl who dreamt and wanted to believe in happily ever after saw what ppl are capable of, changed her beliefs, changed the way she viewed things. She saw how easy it was to some ppl to play with other ppl`s hearts, and manipulate things just to get what they want. It`s just so easy to run away from all of it, choose solitude but then again, deep down the need to love someone is always there, I might grow out of that need over time, I hope I don`t.  I don`t believe that anything is black or white anymore, I don`t judge ppl anymore instead I try to understand them; I haven`t mastered that art yet, in time I hope I get there. My mind started wondering around all of this stuff when I was listening to Learning to breathe by switchfoot  :-)

Anyway, right now, I have no intention of getting married, or having kids and i`m actually dreaming about buying a house by the lake and i`ll probably end up living with a bunch of cats and dogs or adopt a bunch of kidsJ  I am enjoying little things more now, try to enjoy the moment , travel , talking about travel need to pack; three day trip with the family :-)  . Can`t remember the last time I was out of the house for that long, Hope that change does good…..

Risky......guess not...

Decided to go for a 20 day training programme, i just need to get out ,plus it should look good on my cv :-)
 More than a year of unemployment is not something i can handle; getting tired of everyone asking me why im still at home. Anyway my sis-in-law is not happy with my decision to go to a 'lab full of infectious diseases', that was her exact term. My mom joined in saying someone had asked her why she was letting me do this kind of 'risky' subjects. I`ve never thought about it that way, i`ve always loved wearing gloves and handling glassware and everything that comes along with it. The only 'risk' i`ve noticed so far is the lack of jobs in this stream.
Hope everything goes well and i land a job soon, till then back to bed :-)

Ignorance

She doesn`t remember when she first noticed it. She first felt it one day, chose  to ignore it, telling herself its probably nothing. After some time it appeared again, she went to the doc, who ignored it and gave her vitamins. She forgot about it after that, until she couldn`t lift that side of her arm. The pain went away when she stopped sleeping sideways, she told herself its still nothing. She started having pains, only on that side. She started getting worried when she noticed a visible change, and thought of asking her mom. She couldn`t ask her straight away, her mom doesn`t talk about the C word, cz her grandmom passed away cz of it. Even she herself had surgery it seems. She just wanted to check it out, just to see what it was, but she asked herself; what if its positive? .....what then?

After everything she`s learned, after everything she`s heard about breast cancer awareness and prevention, she`s just going to ignore it. Telling herself that her body can hadle whatever it is....then again...what if....

Thoughts

Got a message from an old school friend, sayin "hey, u were my first best friend, k.i.t at least thru fb"...,that was the first time i had seen a pic of her since i left school when i was lil. It was nice to hear from her, anyway, I don`t think i`ve been anybody`s first gf though (that i know of).Men always treat their `first` like a princess, that`s the complain i got from a  friend of mine recently. The only comment that i get from guys is, "you don`t have to go for higher studies, your job is to be a pretty wife and produce cute babies", I no longer feel the need to punch the guys who say that to me, or punch relatives who say " you can score a rich guy" ..I don`t care anymore,Guess i`ve grown up :)

As i keep getting older, i find myself wanting to let go of that need, to hold hands, feeling of someone caressing your cheek with his thumb, ...lil acts of love......its not that i don`t want it, its just that everytime i go looking for it, i always get hurt. It`s like the idea of someone loving me for who i am, is such a joke, like i`ve been told by so many times. Still, i find myself wanting that...the rule i`m following from now on is 'Don`t expect it back, Love anyway...'

On a different note, saw on Oprah that Swedish ppl are the happiest in the world. Especially the women there, marriage rate is all time low, but the women are involved in long term relationships.when asked they said , they are with the guy only bcz they wanna be with the person for who he is...and vice versa....simple as that.....

First week-2011

Year started off with spending the 31st night at the airport, being allowed to drive on my own for the first time, a date which didn`t go well as i hoped and my very first interview. I`m pretty confident that i did the interview well, but i`m a lil worried about the essay i was asked to write.Actually they asked me to write a paragraph so i wrote just that, did notice other ppl writing lots of pages.Atleast i wrote everything in one para:-)

Last day of the first week included me getting a huge teddy and an expensive book-which i love , among other things for my b`day :-)  Mom actually said its coz ive been so nice and helpful to my sis-in-law,getting compliments from my mom is extremely rare. Anyway need to start saving up enough money to buy presents when their b`days come up..

bad day

It was her first day, out on her own..
wanted to see him, asked him to come..
she wore her favourite perfume, thinkin its been a while..
when she got there, he looked different,
didn`t smile at her, looked so pissed,
she tried to make conversation,
he kept looking away,
she could see he couldn`t wait to get away from her
she felt something inside..
he said goodbye before she could even give him a lift
she started driving..made a lot of wrong turns on her way as if trying to find her way home....
it was a long ride back...