Retiring from 9-5

After (being forced to) retire from 9-5, I now spend my days blissfully at home hanging out with my cat. Having mental breakdowns by having thoughts like ' how am I gonna survive' and 'what am I gonna do with my life?' and 'you have two postgraduate degrees and ended up staying at home' have subsided......

I finally surrendered into what I really dreamt of doing with my time here on earth. Few months ago, I was stuck in useless meetings listening to useless talks for hours (we all have been to those meetings that should have been an email). I always wanted to spend my time to dive deep into spiritual teachings, learn more about life, meaning, and understand concepts like enlightenment.

Its amazing the amount of time you get (which I wan`t prepared for or anticipate) when you don`t spend 60 hours trapped in a building. I am no longer impatient with sudden visitors,I now take ample time to answer my little nephew who always has a million questions and best of all, I have slowed down and literally learnt to breathe and enjoy each moment.

If this is what 'retirement' is after 60, well I am more than happy to be 'retired' in my 30's.

I am now slowly getting my head back in the game, working on my start-up and focusing on writing.

Retired !

Jan turned out to be a bit more dramatic than I thought. Ended up quitting my job before I found another one, something I thought I'd never do. But here's the thing, I always wanted to retire in my mid 30s. When you really want something the entire universe helps you to get it. I didn`t win the lottery, but adopted a minimalist lifestyle. See for a while I have been a bit overwhelmed by the going to work- being in cubicle prison - buying clothes to go to work - spending time on the road - not having time to read or learn - spending weekends doing household work - hating sunday because of Monday blues vicious cycle for a while. Long story short, I'm at home now. Took a while to really tell myself that 'I'm not a failure to stay at home with two masters degrees', that 'I'm gonna be ok', 'its ok to take a breather and cut back on expenses', 'to relax'.

Gradually I realized what I really needed.........Freedom

And now I'm in heaven.


P.S.hopefully the next post won`t be 'what the hell was I thinking quitting my job? :D "

December Recap - 2018

The year of Transformation! that's exactly what this year has been. Although come to think of it, I have been in the process of transformation all this time but a significant shift occurred this year. All the self - help you tube videos, self help/spiritual books, exercising consistently and eating well did lead up to a major shift in my life. My post in August was so depressing I didn`t think two months later I would have this shift.

Guess things always fall into place if you keep working on yourself and look inward for answers.

Highlights of the year.

- Turned 33 and promised myself that this year I will take my life to the next level (which I did !) 

- Had the shortest haircut ever

- Gave up sugar for good

- Started eating healthy

- Gave up junk food (90/10)

- Started meditating

- Started Yoga

- Found amazing people that changed my life - Tom Bilyeu, Alexi Panos, Jay Shetty, Michael Gervais, Preston Smiles, Rich Roll, James Clear .......oh so so many more! 

- Got into a solid morning routine where I feed my mind with good stuff and feed my body with good exercise.

- Started morning journalling ( suggested by Tim Ferris)

- 'thoughts become things' I became extra careful of every single word, thought that I put out into the world

- Stopped complaining 

- Got my aura checked and invested in bracelets to balance my chakras

- Focused on everything I have and how blessed I am

- Realized that I am already living the life of my dreams

- Start-up got started for real (yay!)

- Got into another venture with my sis-in-law

- Learned to have compassion towards my self first and learned to love myself fully

- The shift in the mind is truly amazing, i'm more in tune with myself and listen to myself

2019 Goal/s - The Year of Catching Up !

Have fun being awesome doing awesome things in the world! and be divine love...keep getting closer to the source that brought me here :)

Have an awesome New Year !

Pick up Limes and Other things

I might become a vegan! Wow, never thought that I would be saying those words out loud. My relationship with food has varied over time. Once I thought that my purpose in life is searching for good food (can`t find that post right now). At that time I did gain a lot if weight, dealt with quite a lot of personal 'traumas' and found comfort in food.Now I realize that in finding comfort in 'junk' food, I made my problems get worse by messing up my gut health and in turn tuning out my inner voice and making more mistakes that made things worse.

So what changed my relationship with food? A comment by a colleague(that I no longer talk to) about my sense of style. I was so angry back then and thought how could 'she' out of all people tell me how to dress, then I realized that I had stopped caring how I looked and kept getting bigger and bigger clothes. Then I happened to see 'Stick with you' by Pussycat Dolls and saw Nichol's eyebrows and I realized I had even ignored that (I looked like a bear)! I got so used to being obsessed with my personal problems which kept getting worse, I didn`t even look at myself.As I type this today I only feel so much love and compassion for that girl, that girl who struggled so hard, that girl who didn`t know any better.

3 years later today I'm talking about becoming a vegan and about to form proper six pack abs (yes, been working out and eating so well, and gotten so hotter :D).In order to lose the weight, I gave up sugar (something I never thought I could do.) and I started exercising. Weight loss was so slow and hit a plateau, but I started looking and feeling better the second I gave up sugar. I had less and less nervous breakdowns, had more clarity in my thoughts and was making better decisions.

I started trying several diet plans...

• Low carb diet - helped me realize how much I was committed to become more healthier, because low carb meant no dairy - living without milk tea was something I thought I can NEVER do. Two weeks into this diet, my face looked different and my pants fell off(literally!). I couldn`t keep doing it because I liked fruits and milk.

Which brought me to....

• Keto Diet - high fat, high protein low carb. The combination of food was fantastic. I had to eat a lot of meat - which I did. somehow it didn`t feel right.

What I'm doing now.......

• Eating mostly healthy - gave up dairy when I realized my gut didn`t like dairy at all
• Eating lots of vegetables - mental clarity that you get from this is amazing
• Not punishing myself if I enjoy sugar or any 'unhealthy' food. But to be honest I eat those during extreme social events, otherwise I choose to put the best possible food inside my body.
• HIIT workouts - changed my life (checkout Bowflex on YouTube)
• Most importantly listening to my body and feeding what my body wants.

Coming back to pick up limes, the host Sadia does an amazing job. She is one of those people you can listen to if you are having an 'off' day and you will feel that life is good.Watching her videos inspired me to try and become a vegan. Again I'm not giving myself unnecessary pressure. Mostly vegan during weekdays...baby steps......I feel so much better and my skin looks amazing!

check out her channel - Pick Up Limes
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCq2E1mIwUKMWzCA4liA_XGQ

For the Love of X-Files

I grew up with X-Files (yes I'm a 90s kid). Mulder was the first love of my life and still was to a certain extent (until I saw the new series that is...will explain). My friends even called me Mulder, I was a total Xphiles fan. Anyway back then one of the main reasons I watched the show was to see the 'tender loving moments' between Mulder and Scully. Two decades later when the X files creators rebooted the series I just couldn`t be happier! I never thought I would ever see a new X files episode again! Plus so much has changed in my life since I last saw it.

After waiting for so long I watched it, Mulder's character which used to be a legendary smartass sensitive/toughguy character has turned into a sad lost boy who has aged. I expected the character to evolve properly, he certainly did have that mental toughness back in the day.And for Scully, she has turned into the smartass one now. And their relationship seems so weird.Last night's episode made me think how sad my life has become honestly.Let me explain....Scully says at the end of the episode that 'she wants to remember how it was all were back then'..so much nostalgia about good old days. I felt like X files creators and fans wanted to go back in time when everything was 'amazing'. Then I realized how many times I re-watched X files episodes over the past two decades remembering the good old times. It reminded me of my carefree school life. And when I heard Scully's words it just hit me...I need to stop living in the past like this and make my 'now' productive and be more present and really live it as it is. Life is happening to you right NOW. Not in the future or past...right NOW.

So I'm gonna take a break from watching old X-Files episodes and feed my mind with books or watch Impact Theory by Tom Bilyeu (amazing brain food btw).

Note to self. Live now..Today...This moment....that's all you ever gonna have.

Time's Up

I was just there..walking or running......and there was a voice

"Okay, time is up"

I remember wanting to go on, feeling disappointed...

Then........... total darkness.....


I remember waking up terrified.
Of all the dreams/nightmares I've had, this really shook me because,
(a) I have been wishing to die for a while but when I actually died (in my dream) I was dissapointed
(b) I remember I was really dissapointed because I didn`t try my business idea or have the life I really wanted

So....this time I started to really make things count...daily...
I'm much more aware now,took two more days off from work (without feeling guilty).

Going to use these two days to work on my 'inner world'...and oh...yes ....can`t wait to checkout 'Tuesdays with Morrie' :)

Truth about Depression

Hearing about Chester Bennington's death sparked a different kind of emotions inside me. Honestly I felt like he has been released from the struggle he had in his head. My brother who is a huge Linking Park fan told me that 'its a crazy situation' in total disbelief. I knew that it wasn`t just a crazy situation. I knew that its just so hard sometimes to  live with the voices in your head. I know that sometimes you simply can`t find a reason to go on. I've had those days, this year more often than most years.I have tried everything, even tying Dr.Kelly Brogan's suggested holistic methods. Getting rid of sugar from my diet did amazing changes to my body, but not my mind. I wanted to move, to a new space, but then I realized that even if I move I will be taking the voices in my head with me, so it wouldn't make a difference. Lying down in bed, wishing I would't need to wake up next morning feels like a terrifying thought to me now, yes, today is a 'good' day. I don`t have voices in my head, I don`t have depressing thoughts, today I wanna live. I wanna make plans for the future and start my business ventures. Today i'm an advocate of positivity. Today I realize that I need a plan. I need a plan on days I feel like I want it all to end. Only thing that has worked for me so far is going for a jog, somehow getting up and moving changes the state of mind. Today I'm able to write this because I feel better. I actually feel good and lucky to be alive and truly grateful for all I have. For days when I feel like I can`t, all I can say is.....Hang in there

Life and Rules

Three months into 2017 and I have done pretty crazy things that I wouldn`t have thought I would do in a million years and it felt so damn good.!

Anyways, I'm saying yes to life more, it just feels right. After all, the rules that I have been trying to define myself with and trying to follow seem so invalid now. Its weird because everything feels right and I just feel alive.

Several lessons learned along the way.
1. Do not picture worse case scenario all the time, just RELAX and be present. EVERY SINGLE ONE of ALL human reactions teach you something. If you look at all those as teaching moments, you will stop reacting and get closer to your inner self.

2. When its really hard to make a decision and you find yourself completely conflicted, hand over the decision to a higher power  (universe) and relax and trust that whats best for you will happen.

3. Give away love, a lot of it, not to just one person, make human interactions about love and kindness

4. The best thing that happened to you this year is Simon Sinek. Keep practicing his principles.

Annual Recap Post - 2016

Probably the 'fastest' year...I didn`t even feel 12 months passing.
Mainly because of the job, the consultancy firm that I work for only runs by deadlines. so I guess I need to slow down and get away from this rush!


2016 - Highlights - Wins!

• Completed the MBA- Yay!
• Got a Tattoo! - My first one
• Stood up for myself, stood up against the office bully to be specific, and that felt AMAZING!
• Marisa Peer's Lecture was so moving that I decided to do it myself. I wrote "I am enough" with lipstick across the mirror...The changes were unbelievable!
• Had the first serious discussion about starting a business, which didn`t result in anything, however I got to seriously think about starting something on my own
• Found a business coach or rather a business coach found me, I will follow this as a sign and see how this goes
• Started Practicing being fully present
• Read a lot, I mean a LOT of books, mainly self help but amazing books which helped tremendously for me to grow
• Started bullet journal-ling and ended bullet journal-ling 
• Started being fully active on instagram- which is so much fun!
• Gardening was pretty good, my balcony is getting closer to becoming a mini bird sanctuary
• My relationship with my husband is becoming more authentic, I'm more present and aware now, I'm just going to see how things go
• My friendship with a close friend has reached a bit of an 'off phase', I just don`t want to deal with drama at this stage in my life
•  Started eating healthier, Did something I never thought I would do- I stopped eating sausages!
• Lost around 8kg and only 3kg more to loose to get back to my usual old self! - YAY!

 

Lessons Learned

• Always, ALWAYS stand up for yourself, especially at work. Never let other people treat you like trash and get away with it.
•  Alocating 'me time' always pays off, you become a much happier healthier person
• Working out daily gives you an amazing feeling which you can`t get by eating junk food, so always go for the workout and ditch junk food
• Portion control works like magic when it comes to weight loss
• Always start counting your blessing when your thoughts start spiraling around an old situation that has harmed you, do not feed those thoughts and let them pass. You are not your thoughts, you are the one being aware of those thoughts. 

    and finally knowing that

• I AM ENOUGH!

It's been a great year! now to....

2017 Goals

- Have several smashing startups
- Publish several best selling books
- Be my own boss
- More quality time with my family
- Dance more
- Sing More
- Play more
- Have my own amazing tribe
- Be the Light that spreads love




Happy New Year Everyone!

Lessons Learnt

Someone has created this wonderful facebook page where all of the childhood story books have been uploaded. Stories that I have read 25 years ago.During a time when we didn`t have internet or even facebook. Yes I do sound like an old person, but there was a time that I was offended when someone tells me that I sound like an old person (when I refuse to go partying, going to bed by 9p.m...etc), but now that I'm 32, I have never been happier or wiser.

I now know that,

I absolutely hate drinking, I hate the taste of it, I hate the smell of it and can`t stand it. Hollywood makes you think that its all glamorous and people have more fun after having alcohol, and even to 'be cool' you must be the 'drinking kind'. After trying to be someone I'm not and pretending to like the taste of it just to 'fit in' , now I have even left a corporate job (where after parties was a requirement for career advancement) and settled in  a small company. I don`t have to lie to myself or make myself do these things. Those who wanna party all night can do so, and I always am happy to cuddle with a book or my headphones by myself.

I need to choose very carefully how I spend my time. Every time I say yes to something that I don`t wanna do and something I do out of obligation, I feel like my soul gets filled with emptiness. I enjoy saying no to people more now, and it gives me this warm feeling of love for myself. 

Love is not entirely from romantic relationships. Love can be felt through friendships, deep conversations, love to myself, love that you show others and love that you give to the world. 

The right people will always come to you at the right time and you will always be alright. Don`t be afraid to share the wonderful gifts that you have to share with the world.

Deep compassion is something that you need to practice. The more you let go of judgement the more you heal internally.

Things you learn experience is so much  more valuable that certificates or degrees. Being wise only comes with age, and for that I'm very grateful. Looking forward to getting wiser each year. I actually like getting older.

Being Ready

It has been said that you have to be ready to receive. Many times I have picked up  this book, held it in my hands wanting to buy it, but never got to it. I always keep it down and buy something else. I have done this many times and few months earlier I saw it again at British Council Library, held it for a while, kept it down and got another book. But as I was holding  it in my hands again, months later, my inner voice asked me to take it. Within a day I managed to finish reading despite the fact that I'm stuck with my dissertation and work. Everything I read in this book felt like a summary of all the Ted talks, lectures and other books that I have been reading all this while. Everything made perfect sense.
Feels like i'm on the right path.

The Art of Decluttering

Finished reading the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up:The Japanese Art of Decuttering and Organizing. The way she sees the art of tidying is quite fascinating!

After several attempts of organizing the house and failing miserably, I thought this is something i'm gonna try since 'KonMari' method keeps the house tidy (forever!- well she claims that twice a year cleaning is enough). The Main points I got from the book..

1. Always clean up according to category (clothes, books, mementos), not by room
2. Always focus on what you want to keep instead on what you want to throw away
3. Always keep things that "sparks joy"
4. Surround yourself with things that you love and sparks joy

What really struck me was as a result of cleaning up, some lost weight, got clearer about life choices and even started to do more things that give them joy. It does make sense, you become more decisive when you decide what you want to surround yourself with, and when that is "what sparks joy", life is indeed joyful.

Trying it out this weekend! Starting off with clothes.

2015 Recap

Went through what I have been writing in 'recap posts'  for the past five years and I have to say I really am proud of the journey.

Now for the recap...

• Birthday was quite wonderful, sky-lanterns and flowers. The year started off quite well.
• I gained about 10kg :D Enjoyed food quite a lot and allowed myself to 'let loose'
• In terms of marriage it has been a very challenging year, my emotional capacity to deal with events was stretched to the maximum and I'm truly proud of the person I have become.
• Restarted my long lost reading habit
• Coloured my hair for the first time 
• Got my roots done for the first time ( what I usually do is cut my hair very short and straighten it )
• Decided to keep my hair long and stick to one hairstyle instead of getting a haircut every time I get upset 
• Went whitewater rafting for the first time, It was so great!
• Left my highly prestigious cooperate job to the surprise and shock of many because I felt so trapped and felt like that place was sucking the life out of me. I gave my resignation without getting a confirmation from any other job. I was hired by another company which allowed me to try a completely different role. This was one of the biggest risks I have taken in my life and it paid off.
• Started a monthly donation for Off-road feeding program
• Stayed in a suite for the first time on my own (Ah the Jacuzzi)
• My friend decided to end her marriage, which gave me quite a lot to think about

              What I've learned

• When your worst fears come true, you realize that even when you loose everything you will be ok and the right kind of people will walk into your life at the right time when you need them the most
• Learned quite a lot from listening to and reading posts of Elizabeth Gilbert, one of the best quotes was 'our history is what we tell our-self, you can make it sound depressing or you can tell a good story'. That's what I do now, I interpret all of my challenging experiences as opportunities that helped me grow.
• I learned that I will always be taken care of in times of need, by family, strangers , friends and most importantly by myself, I will always be ok.
• Reading 'Awaken the Giant Within' by Anthony Robbins has been truly amazing, I learned so much about myself and life.
• I realized the importance of the effect I have on how i make others feel
• Learned that I should never sacrifice my happiness and I should always put myself first, That keeps me happy and satisfied and strong. That enables me to be a better human being and be of service to others
• Learned that sometimes things  I thought I wanted are not what I want at all, life is all about trying out and finding what you want
• Learned to follow the signs and trust that i'm always in the right path

Goals for 2016

• Become a fitness fanatic
• Start fostering puppies
• Be involved at a much higher level with charities
• Continue 'CANI-Continuous And Never ending Improvement'
• Reserve daily 30 min 'me time'
• Be on the path of becoming a partner/owner of a company
• Become involved in building an animal shelter 
• To go on trips with the entire extended family and enjoy it
• And my wish for every year- inner peace (i'm somewhat there already, but need to practice calmness and continuing to maintain the inner peace regardless of the outside events)

I guess that sums it up.

Merry X'mas and a Happy New year to everyone out there!

30 mns

I discovered Elizabeth Gilbert by accident, I can`t remember how but after reading her book 'committed' and listening to her interviews, I realized that everything she said touched my inner self. At a time when I was so 'disconnected' with myself , it was refreshing  getting to know myself once again (deciding to get married/getting married/moving/switching jobs/starting MBA within one year was enough to lose myself). In one of her blog posts she mentioned having a minimum of 30 mins everyday to follow your passion/feed your soul.... since daily we often forget about ourselves getting lost in routine work or serving other people.

I have been trying it out for few days now....... started doing yoga, simple meditative practices and re-started watching old TV series during 'my time' as well. I have to say, doing all of it brought me closer to myself and provided a bit more clarity about what I truly want to do in life. I think this 'disconnectedness with onself' is something many women go through since women have a tendency to be 'carers'.
Anyway I decided that the '30 min' advice is something I will definitely follow for the rest of my life.

On Forgiveness

Being a huge Oprah fan, I was browsing through several super soul Sunday episodes when I came across this definition of forgiveness; "forgiveness is the acceptance that it happened,not that it is ok that it happened, but accepting that it happened and move on from it".

Just listening to it lifted a huge weight off my chest, I have been battling with deep regrets and 'what ifs' for such a long time and building up inner rage because I was hoping that things could have been different. The fact that I had to accept all that happened to me,already happened and that I had to move on in order to gain peace, was something that never crossed my mind, because I kept telling myself I should have known better.

Well sometimes we plan things, take risks and it doesn`t go our way.....and its really ok...

Grateful for you tube, Oprah and everyone who share their stories of self discovery and living a full life....

Pain

We all go through it throughout our lives. I can't  really remember my very own first painful experience, i'm talking about pain that really cuts deep inside your soul. I remember the first time I went to school, everyone else was crying refusing to leave their parents, I remember thinking that I should cry too, but I didn't. I never even cried after watching 'sad' movies.

I think its because I was alone, when i mean alone i mean ALONE. For almost two decades i never had any close friends, i did have friends and did listened to them but never 'poured my heart out'. I had conversations with myself, lived in my own world...i was safe. When everyone  else was having 'drama' with relationships I was happily avoiding them and was truly content with my life.
I was obsessed with horror movies and laughed at anyone who liked romantic movies. I took pride in being a 'toughie' and I was one. I was able to watch horror movies and sleep alone in my room.

I never cried..never and certainly not infront of anyone else!

And then I met him, the guy that made me want affection and made me wonder about love. I started to move away from horror movies little by little. What we had didn`t fit any definition i know but when I had to move on my heart was broken for the first time. That was the first time I cried hard..alone...
Then I fell head over heels with another wonderful romantic who later became my husband. He made me want to watch romantic movies and crave romance. I completely moved away from horror movies to the point of not being able to sit through one. I changed to the point of being extremely emotional after watching a sensitive movie. The protective shield around my heart was completely gone and I trusted him with my life and loved him with all my heart.

And then he broke it.....

I don`t think I have been so hurt or broken by anything in my life. I cried infront of strangers (not just tears.'the ugly crying'). I cried until there were no tears left and exhausted from crying. The feeling I felt was (still feel) like someone used a metal pole to continuously beat my soul until every cell was crushed.
For someone who never believed in marriage to fight for it when she was broken, was something I never expected. Somehow from the beaten soul of mine i found strength. So now I'm trying once again, trying so hard to believe the explanations and move on. Trying so hard not to let my mind wonder back to that day, the day I lost faith. I don`t know whether I can go through this pain again, I can`t say that it will never happen for sure, but the only thing I know now is that through all the pain and suffering , I will find my strength to stand up again and I will be fine in time.

This time I will give my all

Hitting 3..0

I didn`t panic like the rest of my friends did. I felt calmer and peaceful and liked the fact that I finally hit the thirties. Hubby surprised me with flowers & skylanterns  :)  (NEVER expected that!)

Anyway all in all It was all good, I have accepted a lot of things that caused internal conflict , made peace with it and let go of things that cause me pain. That's whats important for me, personal improvement each year . I did plan on getting a tattoo but couldn`t, but I am finally ready for my first tattoo, will post a pic when I get it done:).
Mental detachment seems to be working well for me:)

2014 recap

I started doing a 'recap of the year post' in 2010 (i guess) when I first started blogging. Didn`t know that it would be so weird and wonderful at the same time to read those old posts again. So I thought of writing another post about this year, actually this year was full of so many things so I have to make a note of it, here goes..

• Became the proud owner of a brand new car which was given to me by dad on my B'day! I think this was the year I bonded with my dad the most(not just bcz of the bday gift)
• Met few friends from work that I bonded with and helped me a lot through tough times, truly grateful for them
• I was 'told' that I will be officially getting hitched. well long story short; I hate marriage and weddings, my mom booked the place, i eventually said fine cz the guy was not from a proposal :D 
• Sooo the rest of the year was getting something (cheap & nice) to wear for the wedding and pulling it off within 6 months.
• Ordered everything online for the most sensible prices and proved that anyone can pull off a cheap but glamorous wedding. (my wedding saree was 12K :D ppl thought it was 50K AND I wore the SAME saree for my homecoming; i'm so proud of myself:))))) can`t believe I pulled it off)
• Then there were the usual fights with mom which included letting us live separately (which i never thought we could win but we did, we managed to find a separate place to live and mom actually allowed it)    
• Got my hair permed 
• Got through the wedding and finally settled down
• Had to deal with unforeseen conflicts with the hubby; this was the biggest shocker for me, after listening to all my married friends complains,  I discussed all 'potential' issues with my partner before getting married ,but i guess you can`t plan everything.
• This may have been a year  which I cried a lot, realizing things and letting go of things
• I'm still working on it, how to be in a marriage, I do want a meaningful long lasting loving marriage, I hope I can have it
• Discovering Vishen Lakhiani and gratitude log has been one of the highlights of the year, i'm truly grateful. Its amazing how kind words from someone from the gratitude community can give you the strength to get through tough days.
• Listening to you tube vids of Tony Robbins and a lot of others helped me a lot
• Straightened my hair(again)
• Started doing an MBA (something i never thought i would do, i always wanted to be a scientist, and after i became one, well i wanna keep learning something. Life seems empty when there is no progress)
• Started wondering why I started an MBA (:D)
• Realized that I don`t like alcohol that much and sometimes I even hated it
• Feels like i finally 'bonded' with my boss, but i'm not sure whether I wanna keep working there. The place is ok, but there's this sense of uncertainty and half the time I feel like that place just sucks the life out of me.
•  Finally got to a 'no fire zone' with my mom. We actually appreciate each other more now
• There were many moments that I felt truly loved and many moments I questioned that. Hopefully There will only be moments that I feel loved next year

All in all it has been an exceptionally mentally challenging/draining year for me. But I got through it, I survived and even developed a new sleeping habit to fall asleep (I close my eyes and focus on my heartbeat and within seconds I fall asleep!).

Hopefully next year I will be granted with a bigger paycheck and a much more satisfying job :) And of course what I hope for every year.......Inner peace...........

Hair experiments

Straightened my hair again. Got it curled and got tired of it and permanently straightened it. I just can`t seem to stick to one hairstyle for more than 3 months, I get bored and need a change. Some people said that it shows my emotional instability (hmmm). Anyway I think i'm quite stable now;the whole growing up process. I just have to blame it all on my mother for keeping me at home, literally under house arrest for such a long time. I was so used to being in my own world... isolated...... that as soon as I got pushed into the 'real' world, I kept isolating myself like I'm used to. Within a very short time I started working, taking up responsibilities and playing the role of gf and then wife, but in my head I was still that little girl that was controlled by my mother. They say life is all about unlearning the harmful things you learn growing up and relearning new positive habits.
It takes quite some time and effort. The more 'damaged' you are while growing up, more time you end up spending unlearning things while trying not to screw up current relationships.

Vishen Lakhiani; one of the best discoveries I made on you tube call these 'BRULES'- B*** sh** Rules. He mentioned that in order to find your bliss you have to smash these 'brules' and live according to what makes you happy. Made a lot of sense.

Hope I get to  master the art of Blisscipline next year.

Hope All of you have an amazing Xmas and a great new year!

p.s. This post turned out to be something that is not so relevant to the topic....... and i did notice that its all over the place, oh well....I don't have much time to edit now so hope this post makes some sense:D