One of those days

Its just one of those days where you can't seem to find a reason to get down from bed..........

What have I become

Argued with a cop today,...my old self would be smart(and calm) enough to sweet talk my way out of it (even-though  I did nothing wrong) . I have become this violent, aggressive human being that I never thought I would grow up to be. I get angry at everything quite often and find myself struggling to control my emotions. I used to be the calmest person I know . I feel like there's repressed anger that keeps coming out, i'm trying to figure out the source and so far I think it has something to do with ;
1.Marriage - felt like I betrayed myself when I did, since i had pledged not to get married
2. Men       - I have always hated them for some reason, even before I was in any relationship
3. Job   -  (no comment)
4. Not accepting things for what they are and trying to change things to match the picture in my head
5. Limitations
6. Regrets


I need to go back to how things were...........maybe that is the problem, I just keep wishing I could go back in time when all I did was go to school, dream about the next X-files episode , listen to my friends drama with their boyfriends, go to sleep listening to music  feeling glad that I wasn`t interested in men and their drama :) Ah good old days........

I just need to accept things for the way it is and stop looking back and try to focus on the present......I need to try again.....one day at a time..........just breathe..........

Struggle

To breathe
To remain calm
To keep my promise to myself of focusing on happy thoughts
To sleep



Help me

Not Quite sure how I feel

Just feel like I have lived long enough......don`t have anything to look forward to..........

Oh Paul.......

It's been almost 20 days since I learned you were gone, and I still can`t believe it. I still can`t accept the fact that you're gone, you seemed to be a genuinely good human being and to leave this earth that way is something I will never be able to comprehend.
Rest in peace Paul Walker........we will miss you

Gaslight

Watched Gaslight after a colleague suggested that i watch it. I felt so connected with that character bcz its something i've been through and still struggles with. For someone who was brought up with 'normal' ppl the movie might even look silly, but for me, it really hit a nerve deep deep down.

My inner demons planted deep into my soul at a very young age still tries to speak up, it's still a daily struggle for me. I can`t say i have completely killed those demons, but i have spoken up against them. The struggle inside me is sometimes too tiring and too much for me to handle and it affects ppl around me. It's not easy for anyone to understand what i go through, unless its someone who had a similar experience...
I know i'm getting much better at seeing things for what they are without imagining things...
honestly didn`t know there was a word to describe it: Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory,perception and sanity.^[1] Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim(wikipedia).

I hope and pray that i will never lose the battle against my inner demons and become someone just like her...

How you make me feel

Crying uncontrollably on the way to work, trying to figure out what's making me so upset. I don`t get angry at myself for letting go of my emotions like this anymore or label myself as 'weak'. I'm going to avoid all of you who make me cry/make me uncomfortable/stressed from now on. I don`t know how long i'm gonna live  and i really do know that i should be happy everyday, not cry all the time and wonder why. I need to have proper sleep, not worry about whats gonna happen and just live.... today..... now......., thats all i wanna think about. I'm not going to feel guilty about avoiding those who make me feel less and spend more time on my own, cz that's when i'm most comfortable and feel relaxed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCBa4WzxRoY

Love this song!....

Back at one

Things were going so well for a while, I was surrounded with everyone else's drama and I was giving advice helping any way I can and I was in a state of 'happy'. Well i guess everyone else's drama finally got to me  and I honestly don`t know who to turn to. I don`t wanna whine about my mother to my better half all the time, he has enough things to worry about on his own. Honestly I don`t even know why she still manage to bring me to tears while i'm at work when she calls me and say something mean. I keep telling myself that it's not about me, it's all about her unfulfilled childhood/life that's making her hate her own daughter but it doesn`t mean i'm not human. Just like any other bully she's just a mean insecure person but just because she clothed and fed me doesn`t mean i should keep up with her shit now does it. I put up a protective wall and i was secure and thought i dont give a shit but turns out i ended crying in the middle of the office after hearing less that 10 sentences from her over the phone...when did i get so weak? On top of all that my friend who is going through a 'crisis' in her marriage wanted to meet me for lunch. I had enough drama at work so i honestly didn`t wanna go. Maybe on some subconscious level I didn`t want to go because listening to her story and her questions and her perspective made me question my own relationship cz the very things she fights about is what i choose to ignore.So i tried to avoid her a lil bit but i do listen to her daily and say whatever i can to help her feel better. Anyway she ended up accusing me of being selfish and not having time for friends anymore....sigh....
Even at work my boss has started acting like a 'bully', one min he's extremely kind next min he's manipulative and cunning and .......why do i keep attracting these kinds of ppl into my life.

Life is too short to surround myself with ppl that makes me unhappy and depressed. The question is how do i get away from these ppl? well i just read this quote and i've heard it a million times but i just have to act on it..soon! not soon..NOW! Starting with a super mental barrier :)

sick and tired

sick and tired of everyone who wants me to fail
sick and tired of my own mother who wants me to have a failed marriage
sick and tired of my mother insulting me every single day
sick and tired of not knowing what i want anymore
sick and tired of hurting the one i love
sick and tired wanting to hurt myself
sick and tired of not being able to control my emotions
sick and tired of living

Her voice

Is finally getting to me and is messing with my head....

Mom

Even when I was a little girl she used to be a pushy mother. I hated going to elocution classes so i used to hide my books( i must have been 7 or 8). Once when she found out she took out a cane and yelled at the top of her voice saying i was wasting her time by hiding her books and threatened and made me learn the poem that was due for that class and dragged me off. I managed to get good grades somehow which made her want to push me more.

When I was is grade 5 i was asked to come to the principals office, not knowing why i just went and waited; the principal gently told me that i was not selected as a prefect because of my religion and it was school policy. She went on to tell me that i shouldn't cry at home all the time and its just school and enjoy time there.I was completely clueless; i didnt even want to be a prefect and i didnt even know they selected. Later I found out that my mom had gone and complained saying i was crying all the time and i should be given a prefectship etc.. I was just a kid, i didn`t argue with her

Years passed, i was fine with my grades i think mainly because i escaped into the world of books and found my peace there. My mom was never satisfied with my marks eventhough i got more that 80 for each subject, she wanted 90s. I was never allowed to go and spend time with my friends, wasn`t allowed to go to b'day parties. I started listening to music, watching loads of movies and created another world inside my head and lived there; even when i'm around other people i lived in my own worlds with its own set of characters. My mom always dominated and answerd for me when we were with a group of people and i learned to keep my thoughts to myself and not engage in a conversation when i'm with a group of people. When someone asks a question i dont even asnwer-until recently i didn`t know it was not normal.

During A/L exam, for one paper i was so sick that i couldn`t move, it must have been food poisoning-the severe kind. I couldn`t get up from my bed or see clearly. I remember my mom yelling at the top of her lungs asking me to get dressed and dragged me to school. I remember crawling along the staircase trying to get to the examhall. I just kept my head on the desk and didn`t even read the paper. When i started throwing up, one of the teachers took me outside and cradled me on her lap, i was lying there wishing if my mom was like that. that teacher didn`t talk about the paper at all, she just said if there's time u can just mark a few answers (it was the MCQ paper), and asked me to get some rest. To this day i don`t know how i passed that exam when i marked the answrs without looking at the questions.

My mom wanted me to go to medical colledge-which i had no intention of going. When i passed the exam i refused to repeat it. She started crying hysterically and told me how much she has sacrificed to bring me up and how much time she spent with me going for tution classes and asked me to repeat the exam. I agreed with her because i just didn`t want to be the reason that made my mother cry. Now i know that it was just a guilt-manipulation stunt Asian parents pull when they want to get what they want. I had no interest in repeating the exam and mom got tution teachers to come to my house. They were all males and getting through each class at home itslef was a major headache for me; she kept saying i was 'feet flirting' with the teachers and asked me to keep a big distance and sit. It was such a depressing class because i can see her watchin from a distance (the teacher faced me) .I dreaded these classes. During that year i spent my time like a prisoner only having freedom inside the world i created in my head. Then came the accusations that i was flirting with our driver. She said he was looking at me and accused me of texting the driver who happened to be a married decent man. The fact that she accused me of these during a time when i had no interest in men, made me dislike her. When she was not accusing me, she was busy accusing my father of cheating and they used to fight using the most hateful words and used to smash things on the floor. I started to hate the concept of marriage and thought to myself never to be married. 

Anyway now that i have found someone to spend my life with ( i mean live together, im still not comfortable with the idea of getting married) my mom gave her blessing at first then she changed her mind and asked me to stop or else. First it was hysterical crying, then came yelling and then the most harsh words. She even threatened to burn down the car, and not to give me a penny. she keeps saying she fed me and bought me a car so i have to marry someone she finds.She started showing up in my room in the middle of the night while i was fast asleep and scolds me and leaves the room. Everyday when i go home i find a note that says that her only wish is that she will never have a useless daughter like me. I can write a whole list of harsh words but i have come to block them with my mind. I donno maybe this is the usual Asian parenting but i know that noone should be subjected to mental torture like this to the extent of wanting to kill themselves. I'm tired of hearing what a disappointment i am(even after finishing my Masters in Science) and how good my brother is.

I found this site while trying to cope with her (chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/dealing-with-manipulation-guilt-and-self-pity), i know i need to move out but she keeps saying her chest hurts and she's getting sick because of me and tells me how much she sacrificed for me. I love her as my mom but i can never have a normal relationship with her, i can`t tell her how i feel about things because all i hear are judgmental comments. When other parents hear comments about their child they usually defend their own kids, but my mom has a habit of making up stories and tell everyone what a horrible child i've become after all the sacrifices she made. Even when i'm at work she sends texts msgs and calls me and trash talk in the most hateful words. Swinging a knife infront of me and saying that she is not going to cut my throat just made me wonder how mentally stable she is.

I just need to move out, I know i dont deserve to be treated like this. She just wants me to quit my job and stay at home with her; did she have a child so that she can keep as a prisnor and serve her own existence?

I just needed to let all of it out, im having a hard time focusing on driving ( 4 minor accidents within a month is not good) and having a hard time focusing on work. I can write a lot more maybe in another post. Writing about it makes me feel better, more like therapy.

Adopted....

Sometimes I have a hard time believing that she`s my mom.

running out of tears...

i guess the title says it all...im sorry...i really do need to grow up

one of these days.......

i`m gonna hit my head on the wall for real

i just...

Need to feel loved

why do i...

...feel like a sad little puppy now?

Realistic me vs Positive me

Pm-they already hired, oh well..i`ll try the other place
Rm-what other place?, you`ve been saying that for the past 2 years. you still don`t have a decent job.loser
Pm-hey, at least i studied and..
Rm-and what? in every interview they ask why you don`t have work experience, not about your stupid certificates
Pm-look , i`m trying, i really am trying..i`m just being positive and the law of attraction says...
Rm-yeah, yeah, u might as well expect a freaking unicorn to show up at our doorstep and give you magic dust..
Pm-At least i have a roof above my head, and food to eat and..
Rm-you don`t have a job, you wanna be with a guy who probably thinks you`re a clingy nut job, your mom disapproves every word that comes out of your mouth and wants to leave your dad-again(and putting up a united front to the world), you`re still not allowed to go out of the house alone(you`ve been in this world for almost three decades now!?), you`re doing absolutely nothing!!! you think you`re needed anywhere?? I`m pretty sure only your dog will miss you if you die today..Jeez wake up, life without purpose is as good as dead..and what is up with your crying like a baby every week?? do you even know why your crying?
Pm-is it safe to say that i`m clinically depressed?

messed up post to myself

Dear Universe

Ever since i read the book on the law of attraction , i`ve been turning to you. I did receive certain things in the most incredible ways ( free books on scientific management-shipped from Belgium, that was pretty cool). Anyway for two years i`ve been doing everything possible to get a decent job, i really badly need one right now. In all the recent interviews, they all ask about my work experience, and i`m pretty sure thats when they decide not to hire me. That doesn`t mean i`m giving up, i`m gonna keep applying and trying until i get a job, i would really appreciate your help. As for love , thank you for letting me experience what its like to care/want someone, what its like to wait.......to behave bcz of somebody......It may have been one sided; the way i felt, but thank you for letting me feel those emotions. If you take that away from me, i`m gonna turn into the ice queen i was before, you should know that. Pls keep everyone i care about safe and happy. I`ve been feeling my heart rate getting slower everyday. Maybe its something i do to myself. Should i burn out or fade away ? maybe neither. I don`t know.

I need my big break..........

what the.......

Its something that you always wanted and you`re running away??? whats the matter with you??

most of the time....

i just wanna stay in bed and not get up............