Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Theme song of the year :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoRnbeluzQo

Mom

Even when I was a little girl she used to be a pushy mother. I hated going to elocution classes so i used to hide my books( i must have been 7 or 8). Once when she found out she took out a cane and yelled at the top of her voice saying i was wasting her time by hiding her books and threatened and made me learn the poem that was due for that class and dragged me off. I managed to get good grades somehow which made her want to push me more.

When I was is grade 5 i was asked to come to the principals office, not knowing why i just went and waited; the principal gently told me that i was not selected as a prefect because of my religion and it was school policy. She went on to tell me that i shouldn't cry at home all the time and its just school and enjoy time there.I was completely clueless; i didnt even want to be a prefect and i didnt even know they selected. Later I found out that my mom had gone and complained saying i was crying all the time and i should be given a prefectship etc.. I was just a kid, i didn`t argue with her
Years passed, i was fine with my grades i think mainly because i escaped into the world of books and found my peace there. My mom was never satisfied with my marks eventhough i got more that 80 for each subject, she wanted 90s. I was never allowed to go and spend time with my friends, wasn`t allowed to go to b'day parties. I started listening to music, watching loads of movies and created another world inside my head and lived there; even when i'm around other people i lived in my own worlds with its own set of characters. My mom always dominated and answerd for me when we were with a group of people and i learned to keep my thoughts to myself and not engage in a conversation when i'm with a group of people. When someone asks a question i dont even asnwer-until recently i didn`t know it was not normal.

During A/L exam, for one paper i was so sick that i couldn`t move, it must have been food poisoning-the severe kind. I couldn`t get up from my bed or see clearly. I remember my mom yelling at the top of her lungs asking me to get dressed and dragged me to school. I remember crawling along the staircase trying to get to the examhall. I just kept my head on the desk and didn`t even read the paper. When i started throwing up, one of the teachers took me outside and cradled me on her lap, i was lying there wishing if my mom was like that. that teacher didn`t talk about the paper at all, she just said if there's time u can just mark a few answers (it was the MCQ paper), and asked me to get some rest. To this day i don`t know how i passed that exam when i marked the answrs without looking at the questions.

My mom wanted me to go to medical colledge-which i had no intention of going. When i passed the exam i refused to repeat it. She started crying hysterically and told me how much she has sacrificed to bring me up and how much time she spent with me going for tution classes and asked me to repeat the exam. I agreed with her because i just didn`t want to be the reason that made my mother cry. Now i know that it was just a guilt-manipulation stunt Asian parents pull when they want to get what they want. I had no interest in repeating the exam and mom got tution teachers to come to my house. They were all males and getting through each class at home itslef was a major headache for me; she kept saying i was 'feet flirting' with the teachers and asked me to keep a big distance and sit. It was such a depressing class because i can see her watchin from a distance (the teacher faced me) .I dreaded these classes. During that year i spent my time like a prisoner only having freedom inside the world i created in my head. Then came the accusations that i was flirting with our driver. She said he was looking at me and accused me of texting the driver who happened to be a married decent man. The fact that she accused me of these during a time when i had no interest in men, made me dislike her. When she was not accusing me, she was busy accusing my father of cheating and they used to fight using the most hateful words and used to smash things on the floor. I started to hate the concept of marriage and thought to myself never to be married. 
Anyway now that i have found someone to spend my life with ( i mean live together, im still not comfortable with the idea of getting married) my mom gave her blessing at first then she changed her mind and asked me to stop or else. First it was hysterical crying, then came yelling and then the most harsh words. She even threatened to burn down the car, and not to give me a penny. she keeps saying she fed me and bought me a car so i have to marry someone she finds.She started showing up in my room in the middle of the night while i was fast asleep and scolds me and leaves the room. Everyday when i go home i find a note that says that her only wish is that she will never have a useless daughter like me. I can write a whole list of harsh words but i have come to block them with my mind. I donno maybe this is the usual Asian parenting but i know that noone should be subjected to mental torture like this to the extent of wanting to kill themselves. I'm tired of hearing what a disappointment i am(even after finishing my Masters in Science) and how good my brother is.
I found this site while trying to cope with her (chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/dealing-with-manipulation-guilt-and-self-pity), i know i need to move out but she keeps saying her chest hurts and she's getting sick because of me and tells me how much she sacrificed for me. I love her as my mom but i can never have a normal relationship with her, i can`t tell her how i feel about things because all i hear are judgmental comments. When other parents hear comments about their child they usually defend their own kids, but my mom has a habit of making up stories and tell everyone what a horrible child i've become after all the sacrifices she made. Even when i'm at work she sends texts msgs and calls me and trash talk in the most hateful words. Swinging a knife infront of me and saying that she is not going to cut my throat just made me wonder how mentally stable she is.
I just need to move out, I know i dont deserve to be treated like this. She just wants me to quit my job and stay at home with her; did she have a child so that she can keep as a prisnor and serve her own existence?

I just needed to let all of it out, im having a hard time focusing on driving ( 4 minor accidents within a month is not good) and having a hard time focusing on work. I can write a lot more maybe in another post. Writing about it makes me feel better, more like therapy.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

December '12

The month I love
The month I wait all year to arrive
The month I pause and think about the year spent
The month that turned out to be one of the most depressing Decembers
The month that made me realize a lot of things

I should write a post to explain all these,........ maybe later.....

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

moments....


she had made up her mind to have a lot of different 'encounters' with no strings attached, to not let anyone get close to her heart..all that changed few years ago until she had to experience pain; a different kind of pain that she had never experienced before. She wanted to build the wall around her heart again, never to look back until she met him........

she looked at his face, he was staring at the ceiling, his mind wondering elsewhere while running his fingers through her hair. she wanted to kiss his cheek and tell him that she loved him, he looked at her as if his thoughts were interrupted and ran his fingers through her hair again. Her mind started to wonder , will it always be like this?   She has always wondered about it, what it would be like, how it would feel.... maybe its a good thing she didn`t have many meaningless 'encounters', cz eventhough she couldn`t compare anything, deep down she knew that it wouldn`t feel this good if she wasn`t in love.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Confessions

 My Friend
 I used to call you for advice, and you were one of the very few ppl that would hit the ugly truth in my face and make me think hard about choices. I did say that i will stay in touch, but i haven`t been. Hope i can be a better friend to you... atleast now.

The guy from my past
I did see the very long description of how you miss me and how things used to be.What you don`t remember is how much i got hurt. Like i said, things are different now and i moved on. Hope you can move on and find peace in your heart. This is the last time i'm writing about you. Please move on with your life.

My Love
You have been so great to me all this time, but still i manage to hurt you. Maybe its because of how insecure i am, what can i say, i used to be an ugly duckling :-) Anyway all of my relationship insecurities are bcz of all i've seen and experienced. More than that i think i'm dead scared of what would happen to me if you hurt me or if i have to live without you, because i love you so much. I'm so glad you walked into my life.


Friday, October 19, 2012

Holiday

Five days in Bangkok with my parents and some tour group next week ( honestly,i would've preferred not going with a tour group).....i'm kinda dreading it actually. Hopefully i'll be able to have a good time shopping; maybe i might be able to buy the leopard print handbag i dreamt about :-) I don't think i have spent more than 3 days away from home, anyway one thing i'm definitely sure about is...  missing him :-(

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

running out of tears...

i guess the title says it all...im sorry...i really do need to grow up

There are times....

If the purpose of your existence is to mentally blackmail your child, u never should have had one in the first place.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Fuck!

why do i keep screwing up things when its going so well???.......Maybe its the extreme opposition from my parents or  the nasty comments of my mom on a daily basis.....i just feel like i'm gonna explode and hurt the man i love the most :-( i really hope that i don't..

Saturday, June 9, 2012

feels right

my last post was a bit too dramatic i guess..i just freak out easily, i never take risks unless i'm pushed. But this time around i want this, my heart keeps telling me that it feels right and i`m gonna listen.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

one step forward two steps back

Falling in love...happens in the most unexpected moments......i thought i found what i`ve been looking for.........but...........i dont feel like i`m loved.A friend of mine actually told me not to expect romantic gestures that we`ve been dreaming about since we were little girls, but i can`t help it, i like fairytales.

I don`t know what to look forward to anymore.....where do i turn when the person i wanna share my life with is not even there when i need to talk?

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Therapy

I think i really need a therapy session on how to be in a relationship.

Monday, May 21, 2012

I know

I know that you miss me, but i told you what i wanted. You should have known what you had, If you realized how important i was, how i gave you my all, after losing me, that means you took me for granted(You promised that you would never take me for granted remember)..
You have no idea how hard it was for me, how long i cried when you told me......Anyway just know that You were my priority eventhough i wasn't yours...but not anymore.......I just can`t keep getting hurt.
Know that i never took you for granted... i hope and wish that everything will workout for you with your career, that you will be a loving boyfriend to someone and that you will always be the kindhearted person that you have always been.

Monday, May 14, 2012

How does it feel

there`s so much i want to write here...about the ppl that are in my life right now...i guess i`m afraid that they are going to read it and get hurt. I just need to relax and write down everything that`s been happening in my life cz i wanna remember  all of it.
Anyway.....Theme song for today would be...Man I feel like a woman -Shania Twain
Ah life....

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Happy B`day friend!

Just wanted to wish you a very happy b`day! Hope you are doing wonderfully fine.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Decisions

i wanted to say this for a long time...
you made me believe i`m the only one...
for now i`m done....

"Had Enough"-Lifehouse
(feat. Chris Daughtry)

Loneliness pacing up and down these hallways
Second guessing every thought
Mystified, just spinning 'round in circles
Drowning in the silent screaming with nothing left to say

Everytime I reach for you, there's no one there to hold on to
Nothing left for me to miss, I'm letting go, letting go of this
Lost my mind thinking it through, the light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is, I've had enough, I've had enough of this.

I believe that love should be a reason
To give and get back in return (to give and get back in return)
I wanna breathe in a new beginning
With someone who will wrap her arms around what's left of me

Everytime I reach for you, there's no one there to hold onto
Nothing left for me to miss, I'm letting go, letting go of this
Lost my mind thinking it through, the light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is, I've had enough, I've had enough of this.

I'm tired of barely holding on
To something that's already gone.
I'm tired of being the one who's in this all alone.

Everytime I reach for you, there's no one there to hold on to
Nothing left for me to miss, I'm letting go of this
Lost my mind thinking it through, the light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is, I've had enough, I've had enough of this.
Everytime I reach for you, there's no one there to hold on to
Nothing left for me to miss, I'm letting go, letting go of this
Lost my mind thinking it through, the light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is, I've had enough, had enough of this
Oh whoa, oh, I've had enough, had enough of this

Thursday, March 8, 2012

and the theme song for today....

i wanna write whats going on in my life right now, but i guess im too lazy or i just don`t wanna talk about it. Anyway love this song, love the lyrics, wish i could run away.......



Running away- Midnight hour

Don't lie and say that it's ok
It's alright if there's nothing more to say

So I'm running away
I'm leaving this place

Yeah, I'm running away
I'm running away

Don't tell me I'm the one to blame
It's too late for you to make me stay

No, I won't stay

So I'm running away
I'm leaving this place

Yeah, I'm running away
I'm running away

And faster than you can follow me
From this lonely place

And farther than you can find me
I'm leaving
Yeah, I'm leaving today

And I
I'll never let you find me
I'm leaving you behind with the past
No, I won't look back
And I don't want to hear your reasons
Don't want to hear you tell me why I should stay

And try
And try to understand me
And try to understand what I say
When I say I can't stay

I'm moving on from this place
I'm leaving and I won't wait
I'm running away

I'm running away
I'm leaving this place

Yeah, I'm running away
I'm running away

Thursday, February 23, 2012

theme song for the day

"The World I Know-Collective Soul"

Has our conscience shown?
Has the sweet breeze blown?
Has all kindness gone?
Hope still lingers on.
I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don't know why.

Are we listening?
Hymns of offering.
Have we eyes to see?
Love is gathering.
All the words that I've been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one.

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down.
'Cause it's the world I know.
It's the world I know.

I started this blog to vent and thought of directing myself to be more positive, but i just keep hitting walls as i go along.....anyway i still believe in fairy tales and happy endings............... maybe there`s hope.............

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

argh.........

I just don`t understand these politics. There`s a hidden agenda behind all the (fake) smiles. Its as if ppl assume that they live forever. A little smile can go a long way. I honestly don`t understand these ppl. At this point in my life i`m actually glad that i get a sense of hidden agendas, but i`m still surprised and dissapointed at the way they change when they don`t get what they want. And the insane things they do to get what they want.  My motto has aways been 'you are here to make things better', which is why i`m still hoping that through all of this we can contribute something, to make things better, and through all the fake smiles, and backstabbing and manpulations, ..............a real smile, laughter and genuine friends who back you up will make the journey worthwhile.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Boy

No, i`m not talking about anyone that i`m involved with. This is about a boy that i met during training. He was straight after A/Ls. was sitting in front of me, smiled at me all the time, and just started a conversation, like where i work and then started discussing movies . It was so good to have a great conversation with a total stranger.  at the same time his innocence made me wonder. Close knit family, not spoiled, and of course his heart hasn`t been broken or played with. So much innocence and so much enthusiasm. He`s going to India to start his degree. Ah the big bad world. I wish in my heart that he will be surrounded by good friends, that his innocent heart doesn`t get played with and i really hope that smile in his face will remain there. You may be a total stranger but that day when you spoke with me you cheered me up. I was upset because of a guy, but i didn`t say any of that to you. I enjoyed the child like conversation. Thank you for talking to me that day. You may be a total stranger but i wish you all the very best in life.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

On the Road

"move your a**"
"can you go in one F*n lane??"
"Really????!@#*!$*"
"what are you looking at???"
"yes, i`m a female driver , deal with it!!!"
to the vehicle(driver) that keeps blocking my way on purpose "I won`t even remember your face A*hole!!"

and there are the good times...
appreciative smile of a university student when i stop to allow her to cross the road
nodding/waving when i stop the car to allow another to pass
sight of an old couple holding hands (always make me smile)
Listening to the morning show on the way and singing out loud..
and the best part..........
Driving really fast as soon as the road clears:-)


Driving to work everyday, i still love it :-)

Sunday, January 15, 2012

lesson #6

No matter how cautiously you choose your words, someone will always twist them around and misinterpret what you say. Just say what you need to say.
more from here

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Birthdays

yes, another b`day....and yes i got a lot of presents i wanted....i didn`t get a lot of(happy) family time. this should be a happy post...so here goes..
day started with blowing out candles, b`day presents and breakfast to an orphanage nearby. I don`t know why i got tears in my eyes when they sang happy b`day.anyway i  felt bad that i`m complaining so much when i have everything. For some reason for the first time in my life, i`m glad i`m not 18 anymore (nearing 30 actually). its like this time i feel like a grown up, i`m not as naive as i used to be. i`m starting to see the difference between fake smiles and real ones, i guess the art of living should get easier.
And the birthday wishes, this time all my friends and their husbands wished me. I didn`t start thinking about not being married (which is a good thing) , but i did wish i had a guy to call mine (guess he`s not interested).
This is gonna be a very eventful year, a lot of responsibilities, challenges and i`m pretty sure i`m gonna get stronger and wiser.


was reading about Miss Venezuela who died of breast cancer, i really need to schedule that mammogram soon,i`m getting more frequent pains and having trouble lifting my arm now.(you are supposed to be a scientist and you should know better!!)



wanted this to be a happy post but i guess it didn`t.oh well. this is my space to rant.






i just...

Need to feel loved

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