Sunday, December 20, 2015

2015 Recap

Went through what I have been writing in 'recap posts'  for the past five years and I have to say I really am proud of the journey.

Now for the recap...
  • Birthday was quite wonderful, sky-lanterns and flowers. The year started off quite well.
  • I gained about 10kg :D Enjoyed food quite a lot and allowed myself to 'let loose'
  • In terms of marriage it has been a very challenging year, my emotional capacity to deal with events was stretched to the maximum and I'm truly proud of the person I have become.
  • Restarted my long lost reading habit
  • Coloured my hair for the first time 
  • Got my roots done for the first time ( what I usually do is cut my hair very short and straighten it )
  • Decided to keep my hair long and stick to one hairstyle instead of getting a haircut every time I get upset 
  • Went whitewater rafting for the first time, It was so great!
  • Left my highly prestigious cooperate job to the surprise and shock of many because I felt so trapped and felt like that place was sucking the life out of me. I gave my resignation without getting a confirmation from any other job. I was hired by another company which allowed me to try a completely different role. This was one of the biggest risks I have taken in my life and it paid off.
  • Started a monthly donation for Off-road feeding program
  • Stayed in a suite for the first time on my own (Ah the Jacuzzi)
  • My friend decided to end her marriage, which gave me quite a lot to think about

              What I've learned
  • When your worst fears come true, you realize that even when you loose everything you will be ok and the right kind of people will walk into your life at the right time when you need them the most
  • Learned quite a lot from listening to and reading posts of Elizabeth Gilbert, one of the best quotes was 'our history is what we tell our-self, you can make it sound depressing or you can tell a good story'. That's what I do now, I interpret all of my challenging experiences as opportunities that helped me grow.
  • I learned that I will always be taken care of in times of need, by family, strangers , friends and most importantly by myself, I will always be ok.
  • Reading 'Awaken the Giant Within' by Anthony Robbins has been truly amazing, I learned so much about myself and life.
  • I realized the importance of the effect I have on how i make others feel
  • Learned that I should never sacrifice my happiness and I should always put myself first, That keeps me happy and satisfied and strong. That enables me to be a better human being and be of service to others
  • Learned that sometimes things  I thought I wanted are not what I want at all, life is all about trying out and finding what you want
  • Learned to follow the signs and trust that i'm always in the right path

Goals for 2016
  • Become a fitness fanatic
  • Start fostering puppies
  • Be involved at a much higher level with charities
  • Continue 'CANI-Continuous And Never ending Improvement'
  • Reserve daily 30 min 'me time'
  • Be on the path of becoming a partner/owner of a company
  • Become involved in building an animal shelter 
  • To go on trips with the entire extended family and enjoy it
  • And my wish for every year- inner peace (i'm somewhat there already, but need to practice calmness and continuing to maintain the inner peace regardless of the outside events)
I guess that sums it up.

Merry X'mas and a Happy New year to everyone out there!


Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Conflicted

Voice #1- I don`t feel a thing
Voice #2- Its a good thing to not feel  because that means you have grown beyond getting involved in                 drama and have gone past attachment
Voice #3- Not feeling anything is good, but is that how you want to continue to live?

Monday, December 7, 2015

30 mns

I discovered Elizabeth Gilbert by accident, I can`t remember how but after reading her book 'committed' and listening to her interviews, I realized that everything she said touched my inner self. At a time when I was so 'disconnected' with myself , it was refreshing  getting to know myself once again (deciding to get married/getting married/moving/switching jobs/starting MBA within one year was enough to lose myself). In one of her blog posts she mentioned having a minimum of 30 mins everyday to follow your passion/feed your soul.... since daily we often forget about ourselves getting lost in routine work or serving other people.

I have been trying it out for few days now....... started doing yoga, simple meditative practices and re-started watching old TV series during 'my time' as well. I have to say, doing all of it brought me closer to myself and provided a bit more clarity about what I truly want to do in life. I think this 'disconnectedness with onself' is something many women go through since women have a tendency to be 'carers'.
Anyway I decided that the '30 min' advice is something I will definitely follow for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

On Forgiveness

Being a huge Oprah fan, I was browsing through several super soul Sunday episodes when I came across this definition of forgiveness; "forgiveness is the acceptance that it happened,not that it is ok that it happened, but accepting that it happened and move on from it".

Just listening to it lifted a huge weight off my chest, I have been battling with deep regrets and 'what ifs' for such a long time and building up inner rage because I was hoping that things could have been different. The fact that I had to accept all that happened to me,already happened and that I had to move on in order to gain peace, was something that never crossed my mind, because I kept telling myself I should have known better.

Well sometimes we plan things, take risks and it doesn`t go our way.....and its really ok...

Grateful for you tube, Oprah and everyone who share their stories of self discovery and living a full life....


30 day challenge- Day 5

er......didn`t go as planned..but did give up having tea :D

Friday, October 23, 2015

30 day weight-loss challenge

A comment from a colleague about the size of my tummy was the final sign that I really should start working out (as if having to buy a whole new set of bigger office clothes wasn`t an eye opener).
So, thought of posting pics daily after a workout (just to force myself to stick to a program and to motivate myself to wanting to see an improvement). Anyways hopefully i can stick to this. Will post my first pic tomorrow today!

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Sleep & Happy Endings

That's what I`ve been doing lately...getting lots and lots of sleep. Kinda feels weird going to bed without a to-do list with 40 tasks :D. I was too busy with exams and assignments getting up at 2a.m, studying and driving in (hectic) traffic to get to work and meeting work deadlines..... my first review meeting at my new job went quite well. I'm pretty impressed with myself (so much modesty!)

Anyway going to enjoy this short break before the next round of exams starts.


I had severe problems falling asleep due to stress and other problems I've had this year, I have to say now that its October I'm surprised and pleased that I survived. I think it has also got to do with my new found shift in focus. I feel like I'm finally focusing on things that makes me happy.

Talking about happy things, my friend R, who is married (not happily) has fallen in love with another guy. I mean nothing has happened between these two, its just that feeling of 'falling in love like a teenager', when i saw  happy she was when she was talking about this guy, I really wished she can actually be with him. I'm not promoting divorces or anything but honestly after what her husband did (he walked out of the marriage and came back) I feel like she deserves her happy ending. I really think eventhough some couples patch up and try to heal wounds and make things work, it can NEVER go back to how things were. And life is too short to live with regrets. I normally would never encourage anything like this but when it comes to this situation I wish her story can end up like "eat pray love".I just want her to be happy and not trapped in a loveless marriage.

                                      





Anyway in other news , got my hair straightened yet again :) , think I will let it grow for a while this time without changing my hairstyle every three months.



Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Perfection

One of the very rare moments in life when every single thing,....I mean EVERY single thing went perfectly for us. All the hard work, team work really paid off. I'm truly grateful for the opportunity to get to know a group of people like them and truly glad that I was able to know what its like to be in a proper team where everyone contributed.

Exhilaration .........That's what I felt, and I honestly can`t remember that last time I was that happy:)

Just thought of making a note of this wonderful moment for future reference:D

Thursday, August 13, 2015

The perfect fit

Those who are not skinny would understand what i'm talking about.
Hunting for the perfectly fitting office pants has always been a nightmare. If the length is fine the waist size is too big, If the waist is fine, its too tight from the thigh area.....I would try on several pants and would always walk out in frustration.

Which is why, when you find that perfect pair, which perfectly fits the lower part of your body in the most comfortable way......you feel like hugging the owner of that shop and giving him a long smooch! :D

I feel like a missing part of my life has been found (ok now i'm being way too dramatic!)

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Quickie update

Can`t seem to remember to blog these days, so thought of jotting down what has been going on in my life for future reference:D

-Found yet another wonderful book by Tony Robbins (yes i'm 'self help book junkie')
- Left a job after almost three years
- Made significant changes in my life and started putting my life first
- Have a new bigger goal to keep me motivated

well i guess that's about it..............  Oh and yes, started a new job too :)))))))

Hope everyone else has been good!

Monday, June 8, 2015

And then there was none

This post is about a friend of mine, I've known her for 3 years now and she is actually a lot younger than me. We are quite similar when it comes to our interests and beliefs; especially about not ever getting married! Well ever since I went down that road and got hitched (sigh) she has been asking me how it is and what its like.
Anyway she sent me a text saying she found a bf last night! Ah first love! she called and went on and on about how noone thought she would ever find interest in boys, how she can`t eat or sleep and how she only thinks about him...........I am really happy for her, I really am, but there is this feeling deep inside of me that at some point she would call me and cry about how he hurt her. I know that not all men are heart-breakers, But this is her very first relationship. I'm worried that if he breaks her heart it would break her and change her. Heartbreaks always changes people. And I wish i can tell her that in the end its not just love, there's a lot of other compatibilities that needs to go right for relationships to work. I wish i can tell her that people change and she should always have her own back and make sure she has her own world and not give it up completely to another person. I guess these things have to be learned. For now I'm very happy for her that she has found that rosy first love. I wish her all happiness and hope she really is happy with him.
And I really hope that he would do everything to keep her happy and love her with all his heart.

 Bcz I know how much it hurts and how much I have changed. Either way I have grown as a person and know for a fact that i'm the strongest person I know :)

I really need to have a bit more faith on men :D

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

All good things

Passed the semester :)))
With everything that has been going on in my life lately, I really needed this :)

Monday, May 4, 2015

Pain

We all go through it throughout our lives. I can't  really remember my very own first painful experience, i'm talking about pain that really cuts deep inside your soul. I remember the first time I went to school, everyone else was crying refusing to leave their parents, I remember thinking that I should cry too, but I didn't. I never even cried after watching 'sad' movies.

I think its because I was alone, when i mean alone i mean ALONE. For almost two decades i never had any close friends, i did have friends and did listened to them but never 'poured my heart out'. I had conversations with myself, lived in my own world...i was safe. When everyone  else was having 'drama' with relationships I was happily avoiding them and was truly content with my life.
I was obsessed with horror movies and laughed at anyone who liked romantic movies. I took pride in being a 'toughie' and I was one. I was able to watch horror movies and sleep alone in my room.

I never cried..never and certainly not infront of anyone else!

And then I met him, the guy that made me want affection and made me wonder about love. I started to move away from horror movies little by little. What we had didn`t fit any definition i know but when I had to move on my heart was broken for the first time. That was the first time I cried hard..alone...
Then I fell head over heels with another wonderful romantic who later became my husband. He made me want to watch romantic movies and crave romance. I completely moved away from horror movies to the point of not being able to sit through one. I changed to the point of being extremely emotional after watching a sensitive movie. The protective shield around my heart was completely gone and I trusted him with my life and loved him with all my heart.

And then he broke it.....

I don`t think I have been so hurt or broken by anything in my life. I cried infront of strangers (not just tears.'the ugly crying'). I cried until there were no tears left and exhausted from crying. The feeling I felt was (still feel) like someone used a metal pole to continuously beat my soul until every cell was crushed.
For someone who never believed in marriage to fight for it when she was broken, was something I never expected. Somehow from the beaten soul of mine i found strength. So now I'm trying once again, trying so hard to believe the explanations and move on. Trying so hard not to let my mind wonder back to that day, the day I lost faith. I don`t know whether I can go through this pain again, I can`t say that it will never happen for sure, but the only thing I know now is that through all the pain and suffering , I will find my strength to stand up again and I will be fine in time.

Monday, April 6, 2015

breakthrough point

That feeling of the lowest point you have been in a while and the feeling of knowing without a doubt that you will rise to your maximum potential and the happiest you have ever been............feels good :)

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

voices

#1-I told you that you were never meant to do it
#2-But it felt right
#1- Admit it, you like it
#2- I don't know, Its a bit of a change, noone said it would be easy
#1- but you thought , you out of all ppl can pull it off without drama
#2- I did, it hurts, this hurts
#1- Doesn`t hurt the way it used to does it, you are getting stronger
#2- I just wanna believe that everything will be ok in the end
#1- maybe it will, regardless of how things turn out

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Meet-ups

Met up with friends finally after postponing for a long time (exams, work..etc.) but i'm not sure whether it went well. I think I seem to have changed quite a lot. Let me just try to type out how the evening went so that i can figure it out. It all started with gossip, classmates, potential divorces, gold diggers, annoyance of selfies, annoying husbands and food. They discussed about a former classmate who now is so rich to the point of having a dedicated maid just to do all of her things. My friends view of her life was that even though she is rich, there has to be something missing in her life and that she is not happy.
This got me thinking.
Why hasn`t this ancient thought pattern changed? why do people still think that rich are not happy ? is it mere jealousy or that you just can`t stand the thought of someone else being happy?
I just found myself wondering what else I could`ve done during that time instead of judging and analyzing potential divorces. Yes, I have judged people in the past and still do, its a habit i'm trying to get out of. I really do love and care about my friends but sometimes I wish we could have a more meaningful conversation, like discussing a book or something about spirituality. 

Hopefully after my break I will find a better work place where I can find people with whom I can have meaningful conversations with.
   

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Finally did it!

Handed over my resignation today after thinking about it for the past 6 months:) Looking forward to see how I handle the break from work.



Thursday, February 26, 2015

No time for friends?

That is what I have been accused of lately. In between work, studies, family commitments I simply haven`t been able to find time...or that's what I have been telling myself. To be honest I can make time if i make the effort. I even started taking a day or too off when i feel burnt-out. So why am i avoiding them?

Lectures........
Lectures about how a marriage should be and how a wife should behave.....!

All of my friends from school have been married for several years now, and they seem to have figured it out. When I complain they listen and give advice, yes  I shouldn't`t have complained in the first place but I do not belong to the 'traditional wife' generation. I need my space, I need to keep following my dreams and believe marriage is a choice not something to tolerate and most importanly that you should never ever base your happiness on another person.

I know they came running when I really needed them and some of them literally shook me back to reality when I was doing stupid things, but I just can`t handle dramatic conversations to mess up my head anymore. I fight so hard to keep my sanity and have a 'normal married life' according to my(our) terms and I just don`t have the mental energy to defend my position.

Am I being a bad friend?? hmmm don`t think so, I need to take care of myself and be sane before I can take care of them.

Anyway found this quote of Lisa Nichols...something to think about...

I have nothing to prove,
nothing to hide, 
nothing to defend  
and 
nothing to protect.
Repeat.
I have nothing to prove, hide, defend, or protect.
-Lisa Nicols

Monday, February 23, 2015

Men!

Childish men who keep sending msgs via LinkedIn...so freaking annoying! Grow the F* up!

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

What have I become

Argued with a cop today,...my old self would be smart(and calm) enough to sweet talk my way out of it (even-though  I did nothing wrong) . I have become this violent, aggressive human being that I never thought I would grow up to be. I get angry at everything quite often and find myself struggling to control my emotions. I used to be the calmest person I know . I feel like there's repressed anger that keeps coming out, i'm trying to figure out the source and so far I think it has something to do with ;
1.Marriage - felt like I betrayed myself when I did, since i had pledged not to get married
2. Men       - I have always hated them for some reason, even before I was in any relationship
3. Job   -  (no comment)
4. Not accepting things for what they are and trying to change things to match the picture in my head
5. Limitations
6. Regrets


I need to go back to how things were...........maybe that is the problem, I just keep wishing I could go back in time when all I did was go to school, dream about the next X-files episode , listen to my friends drama with their boyfriends, go to sleep listening to music  feeling glad that I wasn`t interested in men and their drama :) Ah good old days........

I just need to accept things for the way it is and stop looking back and try to focus on the present......I need to try again.....one day at a time..........just breathe..........

Monday, February 16, 2015

My Early Morning Breakfast Cafe

No I didn`t start an actual cafe, I just started leaving biscuits and pieces of apples on my balcony. I wanted  to feed the little squirrel that I see sometimes, so I thought of leaving some food. Well couple of days later there were four squirrels and several species of birds who started showing up daily. These days they make me want to wake up early, bcz once when I got up late the squirrels were already there and  they had this expression which said "where on earth have you been?".
It kinda feels good because I thought that if their breakfast is settled early morning they can go back to sleep or play for a while and start looking for the next meal( I know it sounds silly but I have a tendency of thinking about animals a lot).
Anyway I stayed at home today (four holidays within two months, I might as well give my resignation soon, its been a bit too stressful lately) and I saw this bird happily(?) singing for a while and I started wishing I was a bird. Just imagine, If you were one of those tiny birds, you don`t need a lot of food, you can fly and I'm guessing that species have minimum predators. Why on earth am I thinking this way? Well I've started not liking my 'environment again' and wants to dissapear.

Need to follow my own advice.....Gratitude and meditation

Sunday, February 8, 2015

it's like riding a bicycle

The term is used to say that if you have ridden a bicycle, even after a long time you would be able to ride one naturally, and the term is applicable to other life situations.

However............
After two decades of NOT having touched a bicycle (but i was an expert between the ages of 7-13), I had to re-learn how to ride a bicycle while being watched by kids who were on their small bicycles wondering how this grown woman is unable to ride one.

oh well it was fun :)  

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Struggle

To breathe
To remain calm
To keep my promise to myself of focusing on happy thoughts
To sleep



Help me

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Happy Times

In an attempt to drastically change my life ( and thoughts) this year , I decided to write about moments where I feel loved and happy. After listening to all the 'positive thinking' lectures last year, I thought that its high time that I follow their advice. I will monitor my thoughts and make sure all the positive thoughts throughout the day exceeds the negative/destructive ones.
Ah that reminds me, I should start a new label, hmmm I'll call it happy thoughts :)

Found this pic from Elizabeth Gilbert's fb page.

Love the calm/serene feeling I'm feeling right now, hope it lasts..........


Friday, January 9, 2015

Hitting 3..0

I didn`t panic like the rest of my friends did. I felt calmer and peaceful and liked the fact that I finally hit the thirties. Hubby surprised me with flowers & skylanterns  :)  (NEVER expected that!)

Anyway all in all It was all good, I have accepted a lot of things that caused internal conflict , made peace with it and let go of things that cause me pain. That's whats important for me, personal improvement each year . I did plan on getting a tattoo but couldn`t, but I am finally ready for my first tattoo, will post a pic when I get it done:).
Mental detachment seems to be working well for me:)


Classroom to Learn Lessons or a Cosmic Joke?

  Same old unconscious patterns Same old drama you are too familiar with Same old manipulators pulling strings, thinking you can't see t...