the truth is

Eventhough I act like i don't give a shit about the way you talk to me..it hurts
Eventhough i stopped caring about your approval...i still want it
Eventhough i don`t wanna speak a word to you...i still wanna talk about my day with you
Everytime you open your mouth i can feel your hatred towards me
Eventhough you think i don`t love you...I really do
More than anything it hurts to know for a fact that you will never know what real love is, bcz all you care about is money 

Road Rage

I was just heading off to KFC in Nugegoda to meet my guy(well its not the ideal place, under the circumstances-which i will blog about later...,that was the only place to see him that day) and was turning to the lane where you can turn to the car park, the van that came from the main road just stopped and allowed me to turn.I was halfway through turning when another car(which i clearly saw was too far and came from the main road and was next to the van) accelerated and stopped in the middle. That idiot who was driving just stopped it and gave me a look as if 'where the fuck are you turning' and remained there for 2-3mns. By now i was stuck in the middle of the road and couldn`t go anywhere else and was actually causing a major traffic jam, so i simply made a hand gesture asking him to move his car forward so i can go. That bugger simply reversed his car and made sure i have no whatsoever room and was directly looking at me!!! by now i was so annoyed and i simply gave the finger, for that some other bugger got off that car and actually tried to open the door on my side!(keep in mind that this is infront of KFC in the middle of the road). I mean WTF!!! thank god the door was locked,  honestly don`t know what those guys would have done if the door wasn`t locked, i mean what was he gonna do? pull me out of the car? and then what? Anyway the rest of the vehicles kept honking so he had to move. I really need to keep pepper spray and maybe a knife!

(I was bored at work today and thought of drawing it, FAH stands for F*n A*H*..I think my drawing is worse than my description :-D )
I know Sri Lankan men have a problem with female drivers, but this is too far!

Alone

I was fine with it, I sleep alone, spend most of my time alone at home, always watch movies alone..
Then you came along..
I used to love driving alone to work..now when I have to go home alone, I wonder where you are, and wish u can go with me. When I go to bed sometimes I wish you were there with me.

I was fine....completely fine being alone....until you came along to change all that.

New Year, New Job

Starting next month, I really do hope things workout well.:-)

Husbands

"I have to live with this person for the rest of my life, so i made up my mind to tolerate his behaviour"

"I'm trying to get rid of this man, too bad i'm bound for the rest of my life"

"I married when my entire family hated him, now i'm wondering why i got married to this man"


"I hate his f*n family"

"He's so freaking annoying, have to deal with him for the rest of my life"

These are just some of the comments of my married friends and relatives have to say about husbands when all of them were so much in love before marriage.
Its kinda  sad that i can`t think of a single relative or friend of mine who actually like having a husband.

Theme song of the year :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoRnbeluzQo

Mom

Even when I was a little girl she used to be a pushy mother. I hated going to elocution classes so i used to hide my books( i must have been 7 or 8). Once when she found out she took out a cane and yelled at the top of her voice saying i was wasting her time by hiding her books and threatened and made me learn the poem that was due for that class and dragged me off. I managed to get good grades somehow which made her want to push me more.

When I was is grade 5 i was asked to come to the principals office, not knowing why i just went and waited; the principal gently told me that i was not selected as a prefect because of my religion and it was school policy. She went on to tell me that i shouldn't cry at home all the time and its just school and enjoy time there.I was completely clueless; i didnt even want to be a prefect and i didnt even know they selected. Later I found out that my mom had gone and complained saying i was crying all the time and i should be given a prefectship etc.. I was just a kid, i didn`t argue with her

Years passed, i was fine with my grades i think mainly because i escaped into the world of books and found my peace there. My mom was never satisfied with my marks eventhough i got more that 80 for each subject, she wanted 90s. I was never allowed to go and spend time with my friends, wasn`t allowed to go to b'day parties. I started listening to music, watching loads of movies and created another world inside my head and lived there; even when i'm around other people i lived in my own worlds with its own set of characters. My mom always dominated and answerd for me when we were with a group of people and i learned to keep my thoughts to myself and not engage in a conversation when i'm with a group of people. When someone asks a question i dont even asnwer-until recently i didn`t know it was not normal.

During A/L exam, for one paper i was so sick that i couldn`t move, it must have been food poisoning-the severe kind. I couldn`t get up from my bed or see clearly. I remember my mom yelling at the top of her lungs asking me to get dressed and dragged me to school. I remember crawling along the staircase trying to get to the examhall. I just kept my head on the desk and didn`t even read the paper. When i started throwing up, one of the teachers took me outside and cradled me on her lap, i was lying there wishing if my mom was like that. that teacher didn`t talk about the paper at all, she just said if there's time u can just mark a few answers (it was the MCQ paper), and asked me to get some rest. To this day i don`t know how i passed that exam when i marked the answrs without looking at the questions.

My mom wanted me to go to medical colledge-which i had no intention of going. When i passed the exam i refused to repeat it. She started crying hysterically and told me how much she has sacrificed to bring me up and how much time she spent with me going for tution classes and asked me to repeat the exam. I agreed with her because i just didn`t want to be the reason that made my mother cry. Now i know that it was just a guilt-manipulation stunt Asian parents pull when they want to get what they want. I had no interest in repeating the exam and mom got tution teachers to come to my house. They were all males and getting through each class at home itslef was a major headache for me; she kept saying i was 'feet flirting' with the teachers and asked me to keep a big distance and sit. It was such a depressing class because i can see her watchin from a distance (the teacher faced me) .I dreaded these classes. During that year i spent my time like a prisoner only having freedom inside the world i created in my head. Then came the accusations that i was flirting with our driver. She said he was looking at me and accused me of texting the driver who happened to be a married decent man. The fact that she accused me of these during a time when i had no interest in men, made me dislike her. When she was not accusing me, she was busy accusing my father of cheating and they used to fight using the most hateful words and used to smash things on the floor. I started to hate the concept of marriage and thought to myself never to be married. 

Anyway now that i have found someone to spend my life with ( i mean live together, im still not comfortable with the idea of getting married) my mom gave her blessing at first then she changed her mind and asked me to stop or else. First it was hysterical crying, then came yelling and then the most harsh words. She even threatened to burn down the car, and not to give me a penny. she keeps saying she fed me and bought me a car so i have to marry someone she finds.She started showing up in my room in the middle of the night while i was fast asleep and scolds me and leaves the room. Everyday when i go home i find a note that says that her only wish is that she will never have a useless daughter like me. I can write a whole list of harsh words but i have come to block them with my mind. I donno maybe this is the usual Asian parenting but i know that noone should be subjected to mental torture like this to the extent of wanting to kill themselves. I'm tired of hearing what a disappointment i am(even after finishing my Masters in Science) and how good my brother is.

I found this site while trying to cope with her (chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/dealing-with-manipulation-guilt-and-self-pity), i know i need to move out but she keeps saying her chest hurts and she's getting sick because of me and tells me how much she sacrificed for me. I love her as my mom but i can never have a normal relationship with her, i can`t tell her how i feel about things because all i hear are judgmental comments. When other parents hear comments about their child they usually defend their own kids, but my mom has a habit of making up stories and tell everyone what a horrible child i've become after all the sacrifices she made. Even when i'm at work she sends texts msgs and calls me and trash talk in the most hateful words. Swinging a knife infront of me and saying that she is not going to cut my throat just made me wonder how mentally stable she is.

I just need to move out, I know i dont deserve to be treated like this. She just wants me to quit my job and stay at home with her; did she have a child so that she can keep as a prisnor and serve her own existence?

I just needed to let all of it out, im having a hard time focusing on driving ( 4 minor accidents within a month is not good) and having a hard time focusing on work. I can write a lot more maybe in another post. Writing about it makes me feel better, more like therapy.