Pain

We all go through it throughout our lives. I can't  really remember my very own first painful experience, i'm talking about pain that really cuts deep inside your soul. I remember the first time I went to school, everyone else was crying refusing to leave their parents, I remember thinking that I should cry too, but I didn't. I never even cried after watching 'sad' movies.

I think its because I was alone, when i mean alone i mean ALONE. For almost two decades i never had any close friends, i did have friends and did listened to them but never 'poured my heart out'. I had conversations with myself, lived in my own world...i was safe. When everyone  else was having 'drama' with relationships I was happily avoiding them and was truly content with my life.
I was obsessed with horror movies and laughed at anyone who liked romantic movies. I took pride in being a 'toughie' and I was one. I was able to watch horror movies and sleep alone in my room.

I never cried..never and certainly not infront of anyone else!

And then I met him, the guy that made me want affection and made me wonder about love. I started to move away from horror movies little by little. What we had didn`t fit any definition i know but when I had to move on my heart was broken for the first time. That was the first time I cried hard..alone...
Then I fell head over heels with another wonderful romantic who later became my husband. He made me want to watch romantic movies and crave romance. I completely moved away from horror movies to the point of not being able to sit through one. I changed to the point of being extremely emotional after watching a sensitive movie. The protective shield around my heart was completely gone and I trusted him with my life and loved him with all my heart.

And then he broke it.....

I don`t think I have been so hurt or broken by anything in my life. I cried infront of strangers (not just tears.'the ugly crying'). I cried until there were no tears left and exhausted from crying. The feeling I felt was (still feel) like someone used a metal pole to continuously beat my soul until every cell was crushed.
For someone who never believed in marriage to fight for it when she was broken, was something I never expected. Somehow from the beaten soul of mine i found strength. So now I'm trying once again, trying so hard to believe the explanations and move on. Trying so hard not to let my mind wonder back to that day, the day I lost faith. I don`t know whether I can go through this pain again, I can`t say that it will never happen for sure, but the only thing I know now is that through all the pain and suffering , I will find my strength to stand up again and I will be fine in time.