Gaslight

Watched Gaslight after a colleague suggested that i watch it. I felt so connected with that character bcz its something i've been through and still struggles with. For someone who was brought up with 'normal' ppl the movie might even look silly, but for me, it really hit a nerve deep deep down.

My inner demons planted deep into my soul at a very young age still tries to speak up, it's still a daily struggle for me. I can`t say i have completely killed those demons, but i have spoken up against them. The struggle inside me is sometimes too tiring and too much for me to handle and it affects ppl around me. It's not easy for anyone to understand what i go through, unless its someone who had a similar experience...
I know i'm getting much better at seeing things for what they are without imagining things...
honestly didn`t know there was a word to describe it: Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory,perception and sanity.^[1] Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim(wikipedia).

I hope and pray that i will never lose the battle against my inner demons and become someone just like her...

I need a new job !!!!!

maybe i need a new label that says daily complains or something..

Back to backstreet boys

Yes, I downloaded their albums again after several years. It's funny how you lose touch and completely forget old songs as you grow older but thanx to you tube suggested videos, found some of my old favorites. Their song 'don`t wanna lose you now' takes me to a weird/nice mood that i can`t explain. There's something about listening to Brian's voice that calms me down.
Can`t believe its been a decade since i listened to it.(i'm so old..ahem.. i mean i've grown up..oh get over it already!!!)

Phone Dilemma

It's just been less than a year since i bought my current phone (samsung galaxy music) and i just can`t don`t like it anymore! correction: i never liked it, i was forced into buying it (due to suggestions and the balance in the bank account..sigh). Anyway i need to buy 'the one'. Let me explain. my first phone was a nokia (of course), then i got my bro's phone (sony ericsson) which i used for more than 5 yrs! i have dropped it millions of times and yet it never gave me a single trouble. Sadly i had to buy another phone cz it wouldn`t charge anymore and i then bought sony ericsson text pro. It gave so much trouble (like restarting on its own!) ,so i borrowed my bro's sony phone which didn`t last long (sigh) and moved on to samsung.

Let me explain why i don`t like my current phone.

(a) i wanted something that has the shape of an iphone, samsung has a not-so-nice shape

(b) ...............well ok thats it. I honestly don't know why i wanna change this. i just don`t like it. (This post is all about trying to justify to myself why i would spend more money on another phone)...

Anyway

I was looking at LG optimus L7 but the one available here is LG p705 which doesn`t look so nice. anyway i'll check it out. I wanted to check micromax doodle but EVERYSINGLE person protested (what is up with that?) so i gave up. Now a more promising one for my budget and requirement is Huawei Y 300. (I don`t wanna spend way too much on a phone, i probably spend more on my hair:-) ) I just need to hold it in my hand and feel whether its 'the one'.

I just read the post and my writing keeps getting crapier! oh well back to work!

Am i finally doing it right?

No expectations...
just having faith ....
loving with all my heart....
setting him free to do what he likes to do in his life/follow his passion
and
be with me because he loves me...not because he has to

job hunt again?

yes..as much as i hoped this would be the job that i like and would settle for life, i honestly don't have the heart to do this anymore. i have a boss who is not concerned about the company but his  own agendas. he's actually not letting me work! he himself mentioned (jokingly) that he has this sadistic desire to torture people and thats what he likes to do at work. i think i don't wanna stick around to see where this is going.
its just that i feel like my brain is shrinking everytime i go to work!
i'm officially looking for another more fulfilling job!(i feel excited in a strange way)

My own voice

I've been thinking (as usual..actually when do i not think?) about how I react to certain situations and i realized its not bcz of my own opinion or view that i make it a huge problem,BUT bcz of 'what it should be' according to others.It's quite hard to explain what goes through my head but let me try to explain,

Situation 1: When my partner goes out for drinking
my mind immediately starts to worry. The voices that talk during these times are
1. his mom- "you should know how to ..bla bla"
2. his sis -" i think he prefers drinks than anything else"
3. my mom -"your brother doesn`t drink, and your partner drinks? (condescending tone)
4. his mom and sis - "he spends a lot on drinks"
5. mine -"omg he's out drinking again, he will spend everything on drinks and not care about anything and will    forget about me and go drinking even when we get married and his parents and my mom will blame me!!!!"
WTF!!! im totally cool with drinking, if he wants to go out and drink im fine with it, so why can`t THAT be the voices that talk to me everytime i hear that he's out?

Situation 2: His ex posts a b'day wish on fb, he's in touch with his exes
Voices that talk to me when I see these
1. My mom -" he will go back to one of those and you will be all alone (condescending tone), didn`t all the horoscopes say that?? i TOLD YOU SO!!!
2.My friend S - "Marriage sucks, men suck! and they should never be friends with exes"
3.My frnd P - "I don`t even wanna be near my husband"
4.My friend V -"Men change they always do, women end up suffering"
5.Mine -"i'm never gonna get married ever, what if he's talking to them constantly and i'm the only idiot who shares my life with him and he shares his with other women?"
when my actual voice says "don`t give a shit, he loves you"

I can just go on and on, but to be honest life will be much more easier if i delete everyone elses voices from my head. 'sigh'
I'm trusting my inner voice and going ahead with this. I'm practicing taking one day at a time.