In Search of Serenity

I used to go for an elocution class when i was small, i think i was 7yrs or something. I can`t remember the exact place, i know it was in Modera. There was a church across the road, after each class i stood there with my mom for the bus, watching all the ppl who went to the church. For me it seems so big; maybe bcz i was so small, like it was up in a mountain.The church was in fact in a higher ground, had to climb a couple of stairs to get to the church. Anyway there was such a mystical feeling to it, i used to stare at the building wondering what it would be like inside. I never got to go there, since we`re Buddhists my mom wouldn`t let me go inside. Lately all i wanna do is go there and feel that sense of calmness i felt all those years ago. I even tried to google the churches in that area just to see a picture of that church. I hope its not surrounded with buildings now, i hope it hasn`t changed much, after almost two decades. Going to the temple hasn`t done much to me, it was just too crowded and i just didn`t feel that sense of serenity i was hoping to feel by going to the temple.

I try to find comfort in songs, usually gets my mind off things and makes me feel a bit better. There`s one particular song that i always listen to when i wanna run away and hide, Dare you to move by Switchfoot. I need to start listening to it again.

In my head

me 1:   what do you think you`re doing?
me 2:   what?
me 1:   You know what i`m talking about, when did you start liking men?
me 2:    I don`t like men, its just this one person thats all.
me 1:   Yeah, well thats what i`m worried about, keep your distance woman,
           you`re gonna get hurt.
me 2:   So what, i`m just human.
me 1:   What is it with you, laying it all out like that, don`t throw yourself at him,
            he`s gonna think you`re desperate or something,
            can`t you just.....
me 2:   No, i don`t know how to play mind games, i just tell how i feel,
           besides i`m just taking things as it is, i`m not thinking long term,
           i just like him..i just ...
me 1:  I know, still can`t believe you would go head over heels
          for this guy..he should run for his life:-)
me 2:  very funny, fyi  i`m not expecting anything back from him, i shouldn`t,
me 1:  you got that right, At least you`re smiling...btw you need to
          work a lil harder to find a job. sitting at home all day won`t work.
me 2:  it`s not like i haven`t stopped looking, its getting too frustrated now
me 1:  i know, it sucks, at least you don`t have to get up early..
me 2:  yeah, well that`s only for now..
me 1:  one more thing, stay in touch with your friends missy, don`t try to
           isolate yourself from the world
me 2: i`m used to that
me 1: well, stop getting used to that
me 2: are you gonna keep yelling at me or are you gonna help me find
         something to wear?
me 1: that grey top looks good..

My Fluffy pillow

is always there for me , when tears need to fall....till i fall asleep.......
i just wanna feel loved.....

Unwritten

Unwritten- Natasha Bedingfield, seems to be the song of the week. Everywhere i go, i keep hearing it; good lyrics too:-). Almost three months into this year, haven`t found a job yet, but i have opened my heart and mind to levels that i`ve never known before. I`ve started appreciating things a lot more, making a conscious effort to change, learn from others; especially from my new sis-in-law.She has this caring attitude towards ppl that makes me wonder whether its genuine or a way to survive(especially with my mom). I do get suspicious when ppl are kind to me and always wonder what they want from me-i don`t think i want to get rid of that habit cz i have been burned before.

Anyway Did something that i`ve been doing in my head for such a long time, that i had to remind myself that it was actually real; I did end up grinning like an idiot for the rest of the day:-) 

maybe i need a sign

Its not something i ever had in my life. Whenever i had the opportunity i walked away from it. I just wasn`t ready for anything. Now that i want it, i just can`t seem to get a hold of the whole thing. Maybe i want it too much, i was trying so hard to keep my feelings in check, but still, didn`t even notice getting so attached. I know i shouldn`t, i am being told that i shouldn`t, why do i still want it.
Is it bad karma of walking away from so many, that i can`t seem to have it now. Don`t i deserve to know what its like? Shouldn`t i feel nothing at all? Is it so wrong to want something more?
the only thing that i`m sure of right now is, i can`t switch from person to person just like that. Maybe i`m being too old fashioned, but thats just who i am.

Relationships, i don`t even understand that term anymore.

Recovery & back to routine

The mirror is back on the wall, apart from fever and pain the worst thing about chickenpox is the spots ( that im hoping will disapear in time). I think the doc gave sleeping pills as well coz i can`t remember the last time i slept the whole day. I`m glad that whole `being sick` phase is over. Back to eating, sleeping and looking for a job routine :-)