New Year Resolutions

I have only one actually :)

Best of 2013

Can`t really remember everything i did this year, thought i would start this recap thingy to do every year..so here goes..hmmmm lemme try to remember the year

• Started a new job
• Started getting paid better
• Brand new phone 
• saved up a lot
• got into the habit of wearing dresses to work
• Finally settled into the 'proper/calm state of mind' when it comes to my relationship
• Developed some diplomatic skills
• donated to ADSL (adopt a dog in sri lanka)
• Got another phone which i really love
• Spent a lot on food
• Started to have regular meetups with friends
• Beach
• Contentment
• Time with my nephew
• New friends
• Found my life purpose : Looking for places with good food :-D
• Guess this was a crappy year for movies; didn`t really like anything
• As for music; looking for music i loved when i was growing up . 
• The joy of finiding songs that I was addicted to a decade ago, and trying to figure out how or why i stopped listening to those songs
• Started practicing the art of letting go 

Oh Paul.......

It's been almost 20 days since I learned you were gone, and I still can`t believe it. I still can`t accept the fact that you're gone, you seemed to be a genuinely good human being and to leave this earth that way is something I will never be able to comprehend.
Rest in peace Paul Walker........we will miss you

guess i've lost it

i've seen a lot of couples who...um..go through this. Didn`t think i would be one of them though.
p.s. My relationship is going just fine, it's just that i'm starting to worry why we don't do 'stuff' anymore..sigh...

Glasses!

yes, i'm getting one, finally:-D ever since i was a kid i was trying out my mother's glasses and badly wanted to have my own. when my friends have surgeries to fix their eyesight  to stop wearing glasses, I want to wear one!(yes, i may be a little weird). Anyway I finally ordered my own one today(doctor's orders of course), and i just can`t wait to wear it! :-)

Gaslight

Watched Gaslight after a colleague suggested that i watch it. I felt so connected with that character bcz its something i've been through and still struggles with. For someone who was brought up with 'normal' ppl the movie might even look silly, but for me, it really hit a nerve deep deep down.

My inner demons planted deep into my soul at a very young age still tries to speak up, it's still a daily struggle for me. I can`t say i have completely killed those demons, but i have spoken up against them. The struggle inside me is sometimes too tiring and too much for me to handle and it affects ppl around me. It's not easy for anyone to understand what i go through, unless its someone who had a similar experience...
I know i'm getting much better at seeing things for what they are without imagining things...
honestly didn`t know there was a word to describe it: Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory,perception and sanity.^[1] Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim(wikipedia).

I hope and pray that i will never lose the battle against my inner demons and become someone just like her...

I need a new job !!!!!

maybe i need a new label that says daily complains or something..

Back to backstreet boys

Yes, I downloaded their albums again after several years. It's funny how you lose touch and completely forget old songs as you grow older but thanx to you tube suggested videos, found some of my old favorites. Their song 'don`t wanna lose you now' takes me to a weird/nice mood that i can`t explain. There's something about listening to Brian's voice that calms me down.
Can`t believe its been a decade since i listened to it.(i'm so old..ahem.. i mean i've grown up..oh get over it already!!!)

Phone Dilemma

It's just been less than a year since i bought my current phone (samsung galaxy music) and i just can`t don`t like it anymore! correction: i never liked it, i was forced into buying it (due to suggestions and the balance in the bank account..sigh). Anyway i need to buy 'the one'. Let me explain. my first phone was a nokia (of course), then i got my bro's phone (sony ericsson) which i used for more than 5 yrs! i have dropped it millions of times and yet it never gave me a single trouble. Sadly i had to buy another phone cz it wouldn`t charge anymore and i then bought sony ericsson text pro. It gave so much trouble (like restarting on its own!) ,so i borrowed my bro's sony phone which didn`t last long (sigh) and moved on to samsung.

Let me explain why i don`t like my current phone.

(a) i wanted something that has the shape of an iphone, samsung has a not-so-nice shape

(b) ...............well ok thats it. I honestly don't know why i wanna change this. i just don`t like it. (This post is all about trying to justify to myself why i would spend more money on another phone)...

Anyway

I was looking at LG optimus L7 but the one available here is LG p705 which doesn`t look so nice. anyway i'll check it out. I wanted to check micromax doodle but EVERYSINGLE person protested (what is up with that?) so i gave up. Now a more promising one for my budget and requirement is Huawei Y 300. (I don`t wanna spend way too much on a phone, i probably spend more on my hair:-) ) I just need to hold it in my hand and feel whether its 'the one'.

I just read the post and my writing keeps getting crapier! oh well back to work!

Am i finally doing it right?

No expectations...
just having faith ....
loving with all my heart....
setting him free to do what he likes to do in his life/follow his passion
and
be with me because he loves me...not because he has to

job hunt again?

yes..as much as i hoped this would be the job that i like and would settle for life, i honestly don't have the heart to do this anymore. i have a boss who is not concerned about the company but his  own agendas. he's actually not letting me work! he himself mentioned (jokingly) that he has this sadistic desire to torture people and thats what he likes to do at work. i think i don't wanna stick around to see where this is going.
its just that i feel like my brain is shrinking everytime i go to work!
i'm officially looking for another more fulfilling job!(i feel excited in a strange way)

My own voice

I've been thinking (as usual..actually when do i not think?) about how I react to certain situations and i realized its not bcz of my own opinion or view that i make it a huge problem,BUT bcz of 'what it should be' according to others.It's quite hard to explain what goes through my head but let me try to explain,

Situation 1: When my partner goes out for drinking
my mind immediately starts to worry. The voices that talk during these times are
1. his mom- "you should know how to ..bla bla"
2. his sis -" i think he prefers drinks than anything else"
3. my mom -"your brother doesn`t drink, and your partner drinks? (condescending tone)
4. his mom and sis - "he spends a lot on drinks"
5. mine -"omg he's out drinking again, he will spend everything on drinks and not care about anything and will    forget about me and go drinking even when we get married and his parents and my mom will blame me!!!!"
WTF!!! im totally cool with drinking, if he wants to go out and drink im fine with it, so why can`t THAT be the voices that talk to me everytime i hear that he's out?

Situation 2: His ex posts a b'day wish on fb, he's in touch with his exes
Voices that talk to me when I see these
1. My mom -" he will go back to one of those and you will be all alone (condescending tone), didn`t all the horoscopes say that?? i TOLD YOU SO!!!
2.My friend S - "Marriage sucks, men suck! and they should never be friends with exes"
3.My frnd P - "I don`t even wanna be near my husband"
4.My friend V -"Men change they always do, women end up suffering"
5.Mine -"i'm never gonna get married ever, what if he's talking to them constantly and i'm the only idiot who shares my life with him and he shares his with other women?"
when my actual voice says "don`t give a shit, he loves you"

I can just go on and on, but to be honest life will be much more easier if i delete everyone elses voices from my head. 'sigh'
I'm trusting my inner voice and going ahead with this. I'm practicing taking one day at a time.

living room

definitely gonna try one of  these looks in my place (someday)....

What`s wrong with it?

I was texting my partner whining about my job and told him that i wanted a job with insanely high pay and flexible hours. His reply was more like "are you talking about prostitution?" :-) Anyway come to think of it....what`s wrong with it? you can get a few high end customers and ....................................okay...back to my normal work.
ps. i do have this insane obsession with fancy lingerie 'sigh'

How you make me feel

Crying uncontrollably on the way to work, trying to figure out what's making me so upset. I don`t get angry at myself for letting go of my emotions like this anymore or label myself as 'weak'. I'm going to avoid all of you who make me cry/make me uncomfortable/stressed from now on. I don`t know how long i'm gonna live  and i really do know that i should be happy everyday, not cry all the time and wonder why. I need to have proper sleep, not worry about whats gonna happen and just live.... today..... now......., thats all i wanna think about. I'm not going to feel guilty about avoiding those who make me feel less and spend more time on my own, cz that's when i'm most comfortable and feel relaxed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCBa4WzxRoY

Love this song!....

Back at one

Things were going so well for a while, I was surrounded with everyone else's drama and I was giving advice helping any way I can and I was in a state of 'happy'. Well i guess everyone else's drama finally got to me  and I honestly don`t know who to turn to. I don`t wanna whine about my mother to my better half all the time, he has enough things to worry about on his own. Honestly I don`t even know why she still manage to bring me to tears while i'm at work when she calls me and say something mean. I keep telling myself that it's not about me, it's all about her unfulfilled childhood/life that's making her hate her own daughter but it doesn`t mean i'm not human. Just like any other bully she's just a mean insecure person but just because she clothed and fed me doesn`t mean i should keep up with her shit now does it. I put up a protective wall and i was secure and thought i dont give a shit but turns out i ended crying in the middle of the office after hearing less that 10 sentences from her over the phone...when did i get so weak? On top of all that my friend who is going through a 'crisis' in her marriage wanted to meet me for lunch. I had enough drama at work so i honestly didn`t wanna go. Maybe on some subconscious level I didn`t want to go because listening to her story and her questions and her perspective made me question my own relationship cz the very things she fights about is what i choose to ignore.So i tried to avoid her a lil bit but i do listen to her daily and say whatever i can to help her feel better. Anyway she ended up accusing me of being selfish and not having time for friends anymore....sigh....
Even at work my boss has started acting like a 'bully', one min he's extremely kind next min he's manipulative and cunning and .......why do i keep attracting these kinds of ppl into my life.

Life is too short to surround myself with ppl that makes me unhappy and depressed. The question is how do i get away from these ppl? well i just read this quote and i've heard it a million times but i just have to act on it..soon! not soon..NOW! Starting with a super mental barrier :)

Scientists and non-scientists

Having worked as a scientist in the past i know for a fact that this is what happens to 99.9% of research :-(

The old lady next door

Every single Saturday morning starts with her loud music. It's saturday for heaven`s sake! some of us need to sleep till noon!. But no, i wake up to the sound of a bunch of songs i have never even heard before. If she wants to play songs on a saturday that loud, she might as well play songs of Justin Beiber or one direction or Miley cyrus or Gannam style or...the point is she should play current songs!! Anyway to be honest i'm starting to like those old songs she's playing. sounds kinda nice for a change.

p.s. Just wrote what my neighbor's kids probably think whenever i play my usual songs every saturday :-D and yeah, the old lady is me :-D well i'm not that old. but i feel old when i try to listen to the radio, i can barely listen to the crap they play, so i downloaded all of my fav songs from the 1998/00's and just started playing, i have heard what songs my neighbor's kids listen to and i can honestly say i feel so old cz it sounds like crap!  

Drama continues

It has been a very dramatic couple of weeks. Well my brother moved in next door with lil nephew of mine, all was well until (as expected) my mom, the drama queen herself stirred up a few(lot)  problems and my sister in law was crying (even her mom cried!) and my mom was acting like.....well i donno the exact word. Anyway its sad to see how my brother and sis in law is coping with the meddling of my mom and its actually truly amazing how one person can actually literally suck the joy out of life just by talking!

well even though i expected that drama, what i didn`t expect was the 'situation' of my friend. Well they have been married for almost two years now and when she texted me she wanted to talk and was having few problems, i just assumed its a minor disagreement. When she told me her husband is leaving her, i was truly shocked! When she finished telling me her side of the story i ended up in tears. I just didn`t expect her out of all ppl to get into that. 

And another friend of mine kept texting me describing how frustrated she is and was dreaming of a divorce; she has been married for one year.

I honestly don`t know how to advice or what to say to them except being there for them. 

peace , calm , happiness and love is what i hope and wish for all of them......

The fall

I was in charge of taking care of my adorabal nephew (he's almost a 1yr old now) on Saturday. I thought it would be hard, but he wasn`t so fussy and was sleeping so peacefully i decided to watch the new british series The Fall. Its about a serial killer and for some reason got me hooked. While i was watching it my nephew made a slight murmur and when back to his sleep. I paused the episode to see if he was about to wake up. I looked at his innocent face, peacefully sleeping, without a care in the world, turned back to my screen where the scene was  the moment a woman being tortured to death. I glanced back at my nephew again, so much innocence... even serial killers had an 'innocent' stage like that. What changes them?

Why can`t ppl be kind to each other, without all tha back stabbing and ...oh well i don`t wanna write a whole list of 'bad' things. But why ? Why can`t we spread kindness?

I have been following kindness girl's blog for a while and started to think, maybe i should try some way of spreading kindness. 

Just one kind act for each day. 

sick and tired

sick and tired of everyone who wants me to fail
sick and tired of my own mother who wants me to have a failed marriage
sick and tired of my mother insulting me every single day
sick and tired of not knowing what i want anymore
sick and tired of hurting the one i love
sick and tired wanting to hurt myself
sick and tired of not being able to control my emotions
sick and tired of living

facebook stalking

No, i didn`t start stalking anyone :-) My boss just started complaining that his friend who was a major 'player' has settled down with kids and have a normal life and that most of the time those who play hard endup with everything and those who workhard endup with, well not everything. I ofcourse disagreed, but the thought made me wonder, what happened to the 'players' in my class? So i clicked on the most useful stalking site(which is facebook) and clicked on friends of friends pictures to see how they are now. Turns out in our batch the most notorious players have ended up marrying into very rich good looking dudes and most pregnant or with kids. I know some of them actually said from school days that marrying a rich dude was their goal and didn`t do anything else than 'playing around' with boys. Well, i`m glad they got what they wanted and i truely hope they are loved and happy , but do i wish that i should have 'played around' more than spending time with books? Honestly i don`t know. There's a part of me that wished i had broken rules and another part of me is glad that i chose life with books and movies(when my friends were out i was at home either reading or watching movies:-) ).

Anyway looking back, everything i did in my past shaped me into who i am today, i really do love who i am today so i guess i don`t have regrets. But there's a small part of me that can`t relate to ppl(regret?) when they start talking about 'breaking rules' during school days.

Feel good moment

When your boss calls you in and says you did a very good presentation and that he's glad he hired you......
well a brilliant way to start your week :-)

Madness

Need peace  & quiet time away from this madness

Bribes

I donno whether I shoud be happy or sad about bribing myself a nice pastry from the next door pastryshop to get me through the day. Well comfort food always works for me, plus mondays are always depressing especially when you have to meet deadlines at work and you  haven`t done anything (but that doesn`t mean you should eat from there everyday!). I should probably get back to work now....

Her voice

Is finally getting to me and is messing with my head....

drive

what drives you in life? the thing that you are passionate about? Do you like the job that you are doing? I don`t think a lot of us do..yes we need to get paid.But deep down i wanna do my job to the fullest, to learn something from it and to grow as a person.Lately I`ve been feeling like I'm not good enough to do my job.I donno, i have started panicking already, but even the slightest hint that i was hired bcz of looks makes me sad.

I wanna be good at what I do,let me rephrase that; I wanna be great at what i do!

"your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven`t found it yet, keep looking and don`t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you`ll know when you find it".

 -Steve Jobs 

Shift

I know, its a weired title. But i was in a weired bad/depressed mood for a while and several things that happened this week shifted my mental state to a much better happy/contended/loveydovey mood. I have noticed that when i'm depressed i just can`t see how things would get better and when im extremely happy i'm in this 'high' state in which i don`t see how things would go wrong (not sure whther that statement make any sense). Anyway the point I wanna make (to myself) here is I really need to stop going to these extremes and find a middle path (or maybe find a way to be extremely chirpy 'high' state forever).
Went out for a drink last night and i didnt realize how much i missed baileys. Its strange come to think of it, i was raised in a house where i was taught that drinking is a sin and massive taboo subject especially when it comes to girls. I've grown up and realized that its something you need to look at with a much more open mind (However...i do not approve boozing your lifeaway :-)).
the moment that made me high 
I've been wondering whether he remembers the first time he kissed me and the subject just came up..well  he even gave me details of the specific location and the look on my face that day (I think that moment made me 'high' with so much love)..
ppl can change, ppl can endup hurting you, but i'm choosing to be in my 'high' state for as long as i can and have faith......

If i can adopt all of them i would

These guys are doing amazing work. Some of their doggy rescue stories brought me to tears.

http://www.facebook.com/adoptadoginsrilanka

Toy story

I don`t remember when Toy story first came out, i remember there was a lot of 'hype' at that time. I don`t know why i never got to see it those days but last year or so i saw the last one of toy story movies and realized why it was so famous. I was actually glad i hadn`t watched the first few movies and wasn`t a follower because of the way that movie ended, it was a good ending and a sad one. Anyway the reason for this post happens to be a fluffy toy that was on the back of a garbage truck that i'm pretty sure was staring at me with the most pleading eyes. I'm assuming the duck is female because of the pink bow i noticed on its head. I wondered the life it must have lead (during the 40mns or so while i was stuck in traffic behind the garbage truck), on some little kids bed cuddled every night until the kid grew up or got a new toy and decided to throw the much loved duck.It's not that i don`t have other things to think about, lately I find myself getting attached to the most 'seemingly insignificant' things and thinking about them; like the little grasshopper that was on the window, i noticed it while i was stuck in traffic(yes , traffic is so bad these days i feel like stopping the car somewhere and sleep without going home) . I wanted to stopby someplace with trees and remove it so he/she would survive (well my office car park is like a desert) and i actually wondered what might happen to it if its stuck in my car in the car park and when it gets heated up!or what if it falls off?! I mean cmon, why do i go into this length to think about things and worrying?Maybe its some subconscious method of my mind to divert my attention from the 'more close to heart' problems that i have.

Rediscovered

the joy of drinking a chilled glass of milk :-) (yes,without sugar!)

Changes

There was a time when I tried so hard not to change, i remember how difficult it was for me..
But now, I find myself letting go of things and moving on; I finally feel like I'm starting to behave like a grown up.

(About the house a dreamt of living ever since I was a kid )

Parasite

I don`t know when you took control over my 'sane' mind
At first you just started whispering
It became regular whispers
Now you have a voice
You have a say in what I do
You make me do the meanest things
You make me say the meanest things
I feel like you have completely gotten rid of my 'sane' self
I used to hear words of encouragement, trust, faith, love
Now all I hear are words of doubt, fear, worry, suspicion, hate
You started telling me i'm losing my mind
Why do u keep doing this to me
Is it because you feed on pain?
I know I have to defeat you somehow
All I know is that I don`t have the strength to do it

I need my old self back, I need to hear the 'old' voice inside my head again...
I need help......

the truth is

Eventhough I act like i don't give a shit about the way you talk to me..it hurts
Eventhough i stopped caring about your approval...i still want it
Eventhough i don`t wanna speak a word to you...i still wanna talk about my day with you
Everytime you open your mouth i can feel your hatred towards me
Eventhough you think i don`t love you...I really do
More than anything it hurts to know for a fact that you will never know what real love is, bcz all you care about is money 

Road Rage

I was just heading off to KFC in Nugegoda to meet my guy(well its not the ideal place, under the circumstances-which i will blog about later...,that was the only place to see him that day) and was turning to the lane where you can turn to the car park, the van that came from the main road just stopped and allowed me to turn.I was halfway through turning when another car(which i clearly saw was too far and came from the main road and was next to the van) accelerated and stopped in the middle. That idiot who was driving just stopped it and gave me a look as if 'where the fuck are you turning' and remained there for 2-3mns. By now i was stuck in the middle of the road and couldn`t go anywhere else and was actually causing a major traffic jam, so i simply made a hand gesture asking him to move his car forward so i can go. That bugger simply reversed his car and made sure i have no whatsoever room and was directly looking at me!!! by now i was so annoyed and i simply gave the finger, for that some other bugger got off that car and actually tried to open the door on my side!(keep in mind that this is infront of KFC in the middle of the road). I mean WTF!!! thank god the door was locked,  honestly don`t know what those guys would have done if the door wasn`t locked, i mean what was he gonna do? pull me out of the car? and then what? Anyway the rest of the vehicles kept honking so he had to move. I really need to keep pepper spray and maybe a knife!

(I was bored at work today and thought of drawing it, FAH stands for F*n A*H*..I think my drawing is worse than my description :-D )
I know Sri Lankan men have a problem with female drivers, but this is too far!

Alone

I was fine with it, I sleep alone, spend most of my time alone at home, always watch movies alone..
Then you came along..
I used to love driving alone to work..now when I have to go home alone, I wonder where you are, and wish u can go with me. When I go to bed sometimes I wish you were there with me.

I was fine....completely fine being alone....until you came along to change all that.

New Year, New Job

Starting next month, I really do hope things workout well.:-)

Husbands

"I have to live with this person for the rest of my life, so i made up my mind to tolerate his behaviour"

"I'm trying to get rid of this man, too bad i'm bound for the rest of my life"

"I married when my entire family hated him, now i'm wondering why i got married to this man"


"I hate his f*n family"

"He's so freaking annoying, have to deal with him for the rest of my life"

These are just some of the comments of my married friends and relatives have to say about husbands when all of them were so much in love before marriage.
Its kinda  sad that i can`t think of a single relative or friend of mine who actually like having a husband.