2014 recap

I started doing a 'recap of the year post' in 2010 (i guess) when I first started blogging. Didn`t know that it would be so weird and wonderful at the same time to read those old posts again. So I thought of writing another post about this year, actually this year was full of so many things so I have to make a note of it, here goes..

• Became the proud owner of a brand new car which was given to me by dad on my B'day! I think this was the year I bonded with my dad the most(not just bcz of the bday gift)
• Met few friends from work that I bonded with and helped me a lot through tough times, truly grateful for them
• I was 'told' that I will be officially getting hitched. well long story short; I hate marriage and weddings, my mom booked the place, i eventually said fine cz the guy was not from a proposal :D 
• Sooo the rest of the year was getting something (cheap & nice) to wear for the wedding and pulling it off within 6 months.
• Ordered everything online for the most sensible prices and proved that anyone can pull off a cheap but glamorous wedding. (my wedding saree was 12K :D ppl thought it was 50K AND I wore the SAME saree for my homecoming; i'm so proud of myself:))))) can`t believe I pulled it off)
• Then there were the usual fights with mom which included letting us live separately (which i never thought we could win but we did, we managed to find a separate place to live and mom actually allowed it)    
• Got my hair permed 
• Got through the wedding and finally settled down
• Had to deal with unforeseen conflicts with the hubby; this was the biggest shocker for me, after listening to all my married friends complains,  I discussed all 'potential' issues with my partner before getting married ,but i guess you can`t plan everything.
• This may have been a year  which I cried a lot, realizing things and letting go of things
• I'm still working on it, how to be in a marriage, I do want a meaningful long lasting loving marriage, I hope I can have it
• Discovering Vishen Lakhiani and gratitude log has been one of the highlights of the year, i'm truly grateful. Its amazing how kind words from someone from the gratitude community can give you the strength to get through tough days.
• Listening to you tube vids of Tony Robbins and a lot of others helped me a lot
• Straightened my hair(again)
• Started doing an MBA (something i never thought i would do, i always wanted to be a scientist, and after i became one, well i wanna keep learning something. Life seems empty when there is no progress)
• Started wondering why I started an MBA (:D)
• Realized that I don`t like alcohol that much and sometimes I even hated it
• Feels like i finally 'bonded' with my boss, but i'm not sure whether I wanna keep working there. The place is ok, but there's this sense of uncertainty and half the time I feel like that place just sucks the life out of me.
•  Finally got to a 'no fire zone' with my mom. We actually appreciate each other more now
• There were many moments that I felt truly loved and many moments I questioned that. Hopefully There will only be moments that I feel loved next year

All in all it has been an exceptionally mentally challenging/draining year for me. But I got through it, I survived and even developed a new sleeping habit to fall asleep (I close my eyes and focus on my heartbeat and within seconds I fall asleep!).

Hopefully next year I will be granted with a bigger paycheck and a much more satisfying job :) And of course what I hope for every year.......Inner peace...........

Hair experiments

Straightened my hair again. Got it curled and got tired of it and permanently straightened it. I just can`t seem to stick to one hairstyle for more than 3 months, I get bored and need a change. Some people said that it shows my emotional instability (hmmm). Anyway I think i'm quite stable now;the whole growing up process. I just have to blame it all on my mother for keeping me at home, literally under house arrest for such a long time. I was so used to being in my own world... isolated...... that as soon as I got pushed into the 'real' world, I kept isolating myself like I'm used to. Within a very short time I started working, taking up responsibilities and playing the role of gf and then wife, but in my head I was still that little girl that was controlled by my mother. They say life is all about unlearning the harmful things you learn growing up and relearning new positive habits.
It takes quite some time and effort. The more 'damaged' you are while growing up, more time you end up spending unlearning things while trying not to screw up current relationships.

Vishen Lakhiani; one of the best discoveries I made on you tube call these 'BRULES'- B*** sh** Rules. He mentioned that in order to find your bliss you have to smash these 'brules' and live according to what makes you happy. Made a lot of sense.

Hope I get to  master the art of Blisscipline next year.

Hope All of you have an amazing Xmas and a great new year!

p.s. This post turned out to be something that is not so relevant to the topic....... and i did notice that its all over the place, oh well....I don't have much time to edit now so hope this post makes some sense:D

Foodie

Yes, i'm a total foodie, i just love food. At one point I thought of it as my purpose in life :D
Anyway, my hubby happens to be a foodie too, which is why I have gained 9kg(not kidding) during the last two months. As someone who has been extremely fat, well my current weight is not that much of a big deal. I didn`t intend on making this post about my weight. I just thought  of just writing down a very curious issue in my marriage. yes, im newly married and still at the 'trying to find the balance'state. Figured out usual groceries per month, and daily routines have somewhat come to a balance, but when it comes to food...well.......lets just say that my hubby is very picky.
We have this'take out' weekends and its just so hard for hubby to pick what to eat for dinner. For me, i would prefer if i can know the day before where to get food so that i can arrange my 'on the way back' drive properly. But no, hubby doesn`t decide like that, in fact he needs to wait till the right moment until the right food comes into his head. It's actually kinda cute in a way :D well anyway he always picks nice food, its just the thought of not planning ahead that makes me uneasy.
 I plan things a lot, quite a lot...just need to relax and let go a little now i think.

maybe I should create a new label called 'marriage' :)

The crazy 8

That's how the extreme mood swings were described by Tony Robbins; the crazy 8. Yes,I've been listening to a lot of those lately. Mostly because of my crazy mood swings and my extreme resistance towards change.
Talking about change, that's what marriage is all about. Change in routine, new family members to hang out with, more duties to do......I certainly do not want to lose myself in of all of these changes, that's what i'm scared of most; Losing my identity. To be honest not even sure what I want to do anymore..

All this time I thought I wanted to climb up  the corporate ladder and be this 'big shot', but the strangest thing happened the other day. I had to walk past these 'big shots' in the company(they had come for a meeting), as I walked pass them I just couldn`t picture myself being one of them. All this time when I see powerful women I just tell myself that's where I wanna be. But now that I'm 30 I just don`t feel like working towards that goal.
Anyway my new goal is retiring at 35:) I realized that I need some new goals to keep me alive and not go into weird depressed moods.
Found this site http://www.gratitudelog.com/ which seems to be helping me out quite a lot. Being grateful daily does seem to keep my demons away.

Not Quite sure how I feel

Just feel like I have lived long enough......don`t have anything to look forward to..........

You know you have a problem when.........

you close your eyes and you see candy..........
yup, i started just when everyone else was getting sick of it, i guess the whole candy crush game thing keeps me distracted :)

Note to Self

I've been going through all of my past blog posts and it kinda reminded me of all of the promises I have broken, promises I made to myself and others. I've learned not to be too hard on myself, things happen, circumstances change and people change. I just have to move on and make sure that I achieve my inner peace with all the choices that I make. So this post is about another promise that i've made to myself a long time ago. I told myself that I'll never get married and here I am about to start my 'prison sentence'. I have to admit that I'll never be ready for it. I don`t know whether this is gonna be my biggest mistake or the best decision i'm ever gonna make. One thing I've learned is to let go of expectations and accept the fact that the only thing certain in life is change.
When I first saw the grey's anatomy episode of Christina and Burke's almost wedding a long time ago I completely understood the way Christina felt, I cried watching it.

Anyway here's to letting go of another promise I made to myself; deciding to get married.

taking a break

Took a couple of days off work, partly because I was sick but mostly because I just can`t seem to stay there anymore. I really am grateful for the job cz i get paid, but I feel like this job is starting to kill me. I'm complaining to everyone and have started to suck the life out of everyone too. So I thought I need to just stop and think carefully before complaining next time, noone really wants to hear all of your troubles now do they?

They have their own troubles to deal with and instead of sending out a positive message I seem to be draining the life out of them...sigh.......Going to try getting into my own business soon. Being a scientist doesn`t seem to be giving me any kind of satisfaction anymore.

Enough about work..lets not talk about the impending nuptials (not bcz i'm not okay with it, but it's still the scariest thing for me)....anyway.... i'm trying to meditate again and focusing on inner peace and letting go is finally bringing me some kind of peace :)

Best relationship advice I ever heard!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XjUFYxSxDk&feature=kp

Quotes

We come across all kinds of quotes all the time, has it ever had any kind of an impact on your life?
I personally consider experiences of those who already lived their lives as somewhat valuable. Some  quotes like "In 25 years you will regret the things you didn`t do than the things you did" and "one of the greatest things in life is knowing the art of letting go" made me make some significant changes in my life for the better.
Came across one more quote that made a lot of sense today.

Just say okay...

When I need to sit down quietly please understand and Just say okay
When I want to wear something I really like ,Just say okay
When I want to have an expensive meal just cz I feel like it, Just say ok
When I need some space to figure things out, Just say okay
When I say I can`t pretend to be excited ,Just say okay
When I say I don`t see why I have to to things just because its what we are supposed to do, Just say okay
For once, just for once instead of suggestions and opinions, Just say okay.

you're doing what now?

Expect Nothing

yup, my new policy in life. :D

Silk & Smooth

I think this post is gonna be a bit TMI, but anyway its my ranting space so here goes...
okay I guess I won`t type it all but just wanted to remember the date I started dry exfoliation to get...ahem... silk and smooth legs.
My final attempt...sigh...
(what is up with this accepted model of women required to have smooth legs???, so F*n unfair!)

Surreal

I just had to keep reminding myself that it was real <3

Peace

Was listening to an interview of Bono from U2 in the morning, and Piers Morgan asked him whether he ever found what he was looking for. His answer was quite interesting, he said that he is finally at peace with himself for not being at peace with himself.:)


Anyway i still haven`t found the kind of job that i wanna do for the rest of the life......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vMUvCYTtmM&feature=kp

Simpler life

All this time I thought I wanted this highly luxurious life with great food and great places to live but lately there's been a drastic change in my level of interest in these things. I donno, maybe it's bcz i've been reading about those who leave corporate jobs to have a simpler life bcz it makes them happier and sites like http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/ that describes the joys of early retirement. Either way , the desire to climb up the corporate ladder is completely gone and honestly i just can`t help but think why do i even need to work so much if i don`t plan on procreating :) (this is a great article for those of us who get criticized for not wanting kids http://bigthink.com/against-the-new-taboo/23-responses-to-23-awful-statements-made-to-childfree-people  )
However I do wanna adopt a lot of puppies and build a home for street dogs. That seem to be the only long term motivation for me to keep earning ,besides covering up my basic expenses. I'm planning to save up so I don`t have to work to cover those expenses. I'm kinda surprised at the way my attitude seems to have changed, from checking sites to find the latest styles to not wanting to go shopping at all. I just have this feeling of having everything I need.
Maybe it's all about the attitude....

B'days and other things

B'day was......... probably the best i've had so far :-)
Anyway as I grow older I keep surprising myself with the way I keep letting go of certain expectations to adjust/adapt just to make things work and still be quite happy. Reaching balance and maintaining balance in work and relationships are quite hard, but i'm starting to get the hang of it.