Thoughts

Post on LinkedIn; Then and now picture- a little girl sitting on a farm and grown-up version wearing a suit at UN

Conclusion- we should all aim for office jobs wearing suits because that is the glamorous lifestyle 

But is it really glamorous?

Then why do we spend weekdays wearing formal office clothes and weekends running to the woods looking for so-called simple pleasures? Isn`t it ironic that we slave away daily and spend that money looking for simple pleasures?

How come no one gets the irony of this?

Time's Up

I was just there..walking or running......and there was a voice

"Okay, time is up"

I remember wanting to go on, feeling disappointed...

Then........... total darkness.....


I remember waking up terrified.
Of all the dreams/nightmares I've had, this really shook me because,
(a) I have been wishing to die for a while but when I actually died (in my dream) I was dissapointed
(b) I remember I was really dissapointed because I didn`t try my business idea or have the life I really wanted

So....this time I started to really make things count...daily...
I'm much more aware now,took two more days off from work (without feeling guilty).

Going to use these two days to work on my 'inner world'...and oh...yes ....can`t wait to checkout 'Tuesdays with Morrie' :)

Trusting oneself

When I was in school, I was so in touch with my inner self. some call it 'gut feeling'. I was really doing well in life, I was happy, didn`t get involved with dramatic relationships and was truly happy being alone and loved it. As time went on I started getting lost in touch with myself, let my hormones take control over my life and made decisions purely on extreme emotions. Some of the things I thought I wanted so badly ended up being the things that I want to run away from.

I'm still very much confused, trying to get closer to my 'inner self'.

Hope I can get back to my old self again.

Nightmare

Pregnancy Test....I'm holding it....I can see the results now..........It says 'positive'....

So many thoughts going in my head.."what am I going to do now???" How"........

And then I woke up.................

It was all a dream!.......wait no...it was a nightmare!

Mentioned this 'nightmare' to the man later who asked why it was categorized as a 'nightmare'

*head-bash*

And then there was none

This post is about a friend of mine, I've known her for 3 years now and she is actually a lot younger than me. We are quite similar when it comes to our interests and beliefs; especially about not ever getting married! Well ever since I went down that road and got hitched (sigh) she has been asking me how it is and what its like.
Anyway she sent me a text saying she found a bf last night! Ah first love! she called and went on and on about how noone thought she would ever find interest in boys, how she can`t eat or sleep and how she only thinks about him...........I am really happy for her, I really am, but there is this feeling deep inside of me that at some point she would call me and cry about how he hurt her. I know that not all men are heart-breakers, But this is her very first relationship. I'm worried that if he breaks her heart it would break her and change her. Heartbreaks always changes people. And I wish i can tell her that in the end its not just love, there's a lot of other compatibilities that needs to go right for relationships to work. I wish i can tell her that people change and she should always have her own back and make sure she has her own world and not give it up completely to another person. I guess these things have to be learned. For now I'm very happy for her that she has found that rosy first love. I wish her all happiness and hope she really is happy with him.
And I really hope that he would do everything to keep her happy and love her with all his heart.

 Bcz I know how much it hurts and how much I have changed. Either way I have grown as a person and know for a fact that i'm the strongest person I know :)

I really need to have a bit more faith on men :D

voices

#1-I told you that you were never meant to do it
#2-But it felt right
#1- Admit it, you like it
#2- I don't know, Its a bit of a change, noone said it would be easy
#1- but you thought , you out of all ppl can pull it off without drama
#2- I did, it hurts, this hurts
#1- Doesn`t hurt the way it used to does it, you are getting stronger
#2- I just wanna believe that everything will be ok in the end
#1- maybe it will, regardless of how things turn out

You know you have a problem when.........

you close your eyes and you see candy..........
yup, i started just when everyone else was getting sick of it, i guess the whole candy crush game thing keeps me distracted :)

Just say okay...

When I need to sit down quietly please understand and Just say okay
When I want to wear something I really like ,Just say okay
When I want to have an expensive meal just cz I feel like it, Just say ok
When I need some space to figure things out, Just say okay
When I say I can`t pretend to be excited ,Just say okay
When I say I don`t see why I have to to things just because its what we are supposed to do, Just say okay
For once, just for once instead of suggestions and opinions, Just say okay.

Expect Nothing

yup, my new policy in life. :D

Back to backstreet boys

Yes, I downloaded their albums again after several years. It's funny how you lose touch and completely forget old songs as you grow older but thanx to you tube suggested videos, found some of my old favorites. Their song 'don`t wanna lose you now' takes me to a weird/nice mood that i can`t explain. There's something about listening to Brian's voice that calms me down.
Can`t believe its been a decade since i listened to it.(i'm so old..ahem.. i mean i've grown up..oh get over it already!!!)

Am i finally doing it right?

No expectations...
just having faith ....
loving with all my heart....
setting him free to do what he likes to do in his life/follow his passion
and
be with me because he loves me...not because he has to

My own voice

I've been thinking (as usual..actually when do i not think?) about how I react to certain situations and i realized its not bcz of my own opinion or view that i make it a huge problem,BUT bcz of 'what it should be' according to others.It's quite hard to explain what goes through my head but let me try to explain,

Situation 1: When my partner goes out for drinking
my mind immediately starts to worry. The voices that talk during these times are
1. his mom- "you should know how to ..bla bla"
2. his sis -" i think he prefers drinks than anything else"
3. my mom -"your brother doesn`t drink, and your partner drinks? (condescending tone)
4. his mom and sis - "he spends a lot on drinks"
5. mine -"omg he's out drinking again, he will spend everything on drinks and not care about anything and will    forget about me and go drinking even when we get married and his parents and my mom will blame me!!!!"
WTF!!! im totally cool with drinking, if he wants to go out and drink im fine with it, so why can`t THAT be the voices that talk to me everytime i hear that he's out?

Situation 2: His ex posts a b'day wish on fb, he's in touch with his exes
Voices that talk to me when I see these
1. My mom -" he will go back to one of those and you will be all alone (condescending tone), didn`t all the horoscopes say that?? i TOLD YOU SO!!!
2.My friend S - "Marriage sucks, men suck! and they should never be friends with exes"
3.My frnd P - "I don`t even wanna be near my husband"
4.My friend V -"Men change they always do, women end up suffering"
5.Mine -"i'm never gonna get married ever, what if he's talking to them constantly and i'm the only idiot who shares my life with him and he shares his with other women?"
when my actual voice says "don`t give a shit, he loves you"

I can just go on and on, but to be honest life will be much more easier if i delete everyone elses voices from my head. 'sigh'
I'm trusting my inner voice and going ahead with this. I'm practicing taking one day at a time.

What`s wrong with it?

I was texting my partner whining about my job and told him that i wanted a job with insanely high pay and flexible hours. His reply was more like "are you talking about prostitution?" :-) Anyway come to think of it....what`s wrong with it? you can get a few high end customers and ....................................okay...back to my normal work.
ps. i do have this insane obsession with fancy lingerie 'sigh'

The old lady next door

Every single Saturday morning starts with her loud music. It's saturday for heaven`s sake! some of us need to sleep till noon!. But no, i wake up to the sound of a bunch of songs i have never even heard before. If she wants to play songs on a saturday that loud, she might as well play songs of Justin Beiber or one direction or Miley cyrus or Gannam style or...the point is she should play current songs!! Anyway to be honest i'm starting to like those old songs she's playing. sounds kinda nice for a change.

p.s. Just wrote what my neighbor's kids probably think whenever i play my usual songs every saturday :-D and yeah, the old lady is me :-D well i'm not that old. but i feel old when i try to listen to the radio, i can barely listen to the crap they play, so i downloaded all of my fav songs from the 1998/00's and just started playing, i have heard what songs my neighbor's kids listen to and i can honestly say i feel so old cz it sounds like crap!  

The fall

I was in charge of taking care of my adorabal nephew (he's almost a 1yr old now) on Saturday. I thought it would be hard, but he wasn`t so fussy and was sleeping so peacefully i decided to watch the new british series The Fall. Its about a serial killer and for some reason got me hooked. While i was watching it my nephew made a slight murmur and when back to his sleep. I paused the episode to see if he was about to wake up. I looked at his innocent face, peacefully sleeping, without a care in the world, turned back to my screen where the scene was  the moment a woman being tortured to death. I glanced back at my nephew again, so much innocence... even serial killers had an 'innocent' stage like that. What changes them?

Why can`t ppl be kind to each other, without all tha back stabbing and ...oh well i don`t wanna write a whole list of 'bad' things. But why ? Why can`t we spread kindness?

I have been following kindness girl's blog for a while and started to think, maybe i should try some way of spreading kindness. 

Just one kind act for each day. 

facebook stalking

No, i didn`t start stalking anyone :-) My boss just started complaining that his friend who was a major 'player' has settled down with kids and have a normal life and that most of the time those who play hard endup with everything and those who workhard endup with, well not everything. I ofcourse disagreed, but the thought made me wonder, what happened to the 'players' in my class? So i clicked on the most useful stalking site(which is facebook) and clicked on friends of friends pictures to see how they are now. Turns out in our batch the most notorious players have ended up marrying into very rich good looking dudes and most pregnant or with kids. I know some of them actually said from school days that marrying a rich dude was their goal and didn`t do anything else than 'playing around' with boys. Well, i`m glad they got what they wanted and i truely hope they are loved and happy , but do i wish that i should have 'played around' more than spending time with books? Honestly i don`t know. There's a part of me that wished i had broken rules and another part of me is glad that i chose life with books and movies(when my friends were out i was at home either reading or watching movies:-) ).

Anyway looking back, everything i did in my past shaped me into who i am today, i really do love who i am today so i guess i don`t have regrets. But there's a small part of me that can`t relate to ppl(regret?) when they start talking about 'breaking rules' during school days.

Madness

Need peace  & quiet time away from this madness

Bribes

I donno whether I shoud be happy or sad about bribing myself a nice pastry from the next door pastryshop to get me through the day. Well comfort food always works for me, plus mondays are always depressing especially when you have to meet deadlines at work and you  haven`t done anything (but that doesn`t mean you should eat from there everyday!). I should probably get back to work now....

Shift

I know, its a weired title. But i was in a weired bad/depressed mood for a while and several things that happened this week shifted my mental state to a much better happy/contended/loveydovey mood. I have noticed that when i'm depressed i just can`t see how things would get better and when im extremely happy i'm in this 'high' state in which i don`t see how things would go wrong (not sure whther that statement make any sense). Anyway the point I wanna make (to myself) here is I really need to stop going to these extremes and find a middle path (or maybe find a way to be extremely chirpy 'high' state forever).
Went out for a drink last night and i didnt realize how much i missed baileys. Its strange come to think of it, i was raised in a house where i was taught that drinking is a sin and massive taboo subject especially when it comes to girls. I've grown up and realized that its something you need to look at with a much more open mind (However...i do not approve boozing your lifeaway :-)).
the moment that made me high 
I've been wondering whether he remembers the first time he kissed me and the subject just came up..well  he even gave me details of the specific location and the look on my face that day (I think that moment made me 'high' with so much love)..
ppl can change, ppl can endup hurting you, but i'm choosing to be in my 'high' state for as long as i can and have faith......

Toy story

I don`t remember when Toy story first came out, i remember there was a lot of 'hype' at that time. I don`t know why i never got to see it those days but last year or so i saw the last one of toy story movies and realized why it was so famous. I was actually glad i hadn`t watched the first few movies and wasn`t a follower because of the way that movie ended, it was a good ending and a sad one. Anyway the reason for this post happens to be a fluffy toy that was on the back of a garbage truck that i'm pretty sure was staring at me with the most pleading eyes. I'm assuming the duck is female because of the pink bow i noticed on its head. I wondered the life it must have lead (during the 40mns or so while i was stuck in traffic behind the garbage truck), on some little kids bed cuddled every night until the kid grew up or got a new toy and decided to throw the much loved duck.It's not that i don`t have other things to think about, lately I find myself getting attached to the most 'seemingly insignificant' things and thinking about them; like the little grasshopper that was on the window, i noticed it while i was stuck in traffic(yes , traffic is so bad these days i feel like stopping the car somewhere and sleep without going home) . I wanted to stopby someplace with trees and remove it so he/she would survive (well my office car park is like a desert) and i actually wondered what might happen to it if its stuck in my car in the car park and when it gets heated up!or what if it falls off?! I mean cmon, why do i go into this length to think about things and worrying?Maybe its some subconscious method of my mind to divert my attention from the 'more close to heart' problems that i have.