No time for friends?

That is what I have been accused of lately. In between work, studies, family commitments I simply haven`t been able to find time...or that's what I have been telling myself. To be honest I can make time if i make the effort. I even started taking a day or too off when i feel burnt-out. So why am i avoiding them?

Lectures........
Lectures about how a marriage should be and how a wife should behave.....!

All of my friends from school have been married for several years now, and they seem to have figured it out. When I complain they listen and give advice, yes  I shouldn't`t have complained in the first place but I do not belong to the 'traditional wife' generation. I need my space, I need to keep following my dreams and believe marriage is a choice not something to tolerate and most importanly that you should never ever base your happiness on another person.

I know they came running when I really needed them and some of them literally shook me back to reality when I was doing stupid things, but I just can`t handle dramatic conversations to mess up my head anymore. I fight so hard to keep my sanity and have a 'normal married life' according to my(our) terms and I just don`t have the mental energy to defend my position.

Am I being a bad friend?? hmmm don`t think so, I need to take care of myself and be sane before I can take care of them.

Anyway found this quote of Lisa Nichols...something to think about...

I have nothing to prove,

nothing to hide, 

nothing to defend  

and 

nothing to protect.

Repeat.

I have nothing to prove, hide, defend, or protect.

-Lisa Nicols

Men!

Childish men who keep sending msgs via LinkedIn...so freaking annoying! Grow the F* up!

What have I become

Argued with a cop today,...my old self would be smart(and calm) enough to sweet talk my way out of it (even-though  I did nothing wrong) . I have become this violent, aggressive human being that I never thought I would grow up to be. I get angry at everything quite often and find myself struggling to control my emotions. I used to be the calmest person I know . I feel like there's repressed anger that keeps coming out, i'm trying to figure out the source and so far I think it has something to do with ;
1.Marriage - felt like I betrayed myself when I did, since i had pledged not to get married
2. Men       - I have always hated them for some reason, even before I was in any relationship
3. Job   -  (no comment)
4. Not accepting things for what they are and trying to change things to match the picture in my head
5. Limitations
6. Regrets


I need to go back to how things were...........maybe that is the problem, I just keep wishing I could go back in time when all I did was go to school, dream about the next X-files episode , listen to my friends drama with their boyfriends, go to sleep listening to music  feeling glad that I wasn`t interested in men and their drama :) Ah good old days........

I just need to accept things for the way it is and stop looking back and try to focus on the present......I need to try again.....one day at a time..........just breathe..........

My Early Morning Breakfast Cafe

No I didn`t start an actual cafe, I just started leaving biscuits and pieces of apples on my balcony. I wanted  to feed the little squirrel that I see sometimes, so I thought of leaving some food. Well couple of days later there were four squirrels and several species of birds who started showing up daily. These days they make me want to wake up early, bcz once when I got up late the squirrels were already there and  they had this expression which said "where on earth have you been?".
It kinda feels good because I thought that if their breakfast is settled early morning they can go back to sleep or play for a while and start looking for the next meal( I know it sounds silly but I have a tendency of thinking about animals a lot).
Anyway I stayed at home today (four holidays within two months, I might as well give my resignation soon, its been a bit too stressful lately) and I saw this bird happily(?) singing for a while and I started wishing I was a bird. Just imagine, If you were one of those tiny birds, you don`t need a lot of food, you can fly and I'm guessing that species have minimum predators. Why on earth am I thinking this way? Well I've started not liking my 'environment again' and wants to dissapear.

Need to follow my own advice.....Gratitude and meditation

it's like riding a bicycle

The term is used to say that if you have ridden a bicycle, even after a long time you would be able to ride one naturally, and the term is applicable to other life situations.

However............
After two decades of NOT having touched a bicycle (but i was an expert between the ages of 7-13), I had to re-learn how to ride a bicycle while being watched by kids who were on their small bicycles wondering how this grown woman is unable to ride one.

oh well it was fun :)