Struggle

To breathe
To remain calm
To keep my promise to myself of focusing on happy thoughts
To sleep



Help me

Holidays!

Two whole days this week! lovely :D

Happy Times

In an attempt to drastically change my life ( and thoughts) this year , I decided to write about moments where I feel loved and happy. After listening to all the 'positive thinking' lectures last year, I thought that its high time that I follow their advice. I will monitor my thoughts and make sure all the positive thoughts throughout the day exceeds the negative/destructive ones.
Ah that reminds me, I should start a new label, hmmm I'll call it happy thoughts :)

Found this pic from Elizabeth Gilbert's fb page.

Love the calm/serene feeling I'm feeling right now, hope it lasts..........

Hitting 3..0

I didn`t panic like the rest of my friends did. I felt calmer and peaceful and liked the fact that I finally hit the thirties. Hubby surprised me with flowers & skylanterns  :)  (NEVER expected that!)

Anyway all in all It was all good, I have accepted a lot of things that caused internal conflict , made peace with it and let go of things that cause me pain. That's whats important for me, personal improvement each year . I did plan on getting a tattoo but couldn`t, but I am finally ready for my first tattoo, will post a pic when I get it done:).
Mental detachment seems to be working well for me:)

2014 recap

I started doing a 'recap of the year post' in 2010 (i guess) when I first started blogging. Didn`t know that it would be so weird and wonderful at the same time to read those old posts again. So I thought of writing another post about this year, actually this year was full of so many things so I have to make a note of it, here goes..

• Became the proud owner of a brand new car which was given to me by dad on my B'day! I think this was the year I bonded with my dad the most(not just bcz of the bday gift)
• Met few friends from work that I bonded with and helped me a lot through tough times, truly grateful for them
• I was 'told' that I will be officially getting hitched. well long story short; I hate marriage and weddings, my mom booked the place, i eventually said fine cz the guy was not from a proposal :D 
• Sooo the rest of the year was getting something (cheap & nice) to wear for the wedding and pulling it off within 6 months.
• Ordered everything online for the most sensible prices and proved that anyone can pull off a cheap but glamorous wedding. (my wedding saree was 12K :D ppl thought it was 50K AND I wore the SAME saree for my homecoming; i'm so proud of myself:))))) can`t believe I pulled it off)
• Then there were the usual fights with mom which included letting us live separately (which i never thought we could win but we did, we managed to find a separate place to live and mom actually allowed it)    
• Got my hair permed 
• Got through the wedding and finally settled down
• Had to deal with unforeseen conflicts with the hubby; this was the biggest shocker for me, after listening to all my married friends complains,  I discussed all 'potential' issues with my partner before getting married ,but i guess you can`t plan everything.
• This may have been a year  which I cried a lot, realizing things and letting go of things
• I'm still working on it, how to be in a marriage, I do want a meaningful long lasting loving marriage, I hope I can have it
• Discovering Vishen Lakhiani and gratitude log has been one of the highlights of the year, i'm truly grateful. Its amazing how kind words from someone from the gratitude community can give you the strength to get through tough days.
• Listening to you tube vids of Tony Robbins and a lot of others helped me a lot
• Straightened my hair(again)
• Started doing an MBA (something i never thought i would do, i always wanted to be a scientist, and after i became one, well i wanna keep learning something. Life seems empty when there is no progress)
• Started wondering why I started an MBA (:D)
• Realized that I don`t like alcohol that much and sometimes I even hated it
• Feels like i finally 'bonded' with my boss, but i'm not sure whether I wanna keep working there. The place is ok, but there's this sense of uncertainty and half the time I feel like that place just sucks the life out of me.
•  Finally got to a 'no fire zone' with my mom. We actually appreciate each other more now
• There were many moments that I felt truly loved and many moments I questioned that. Hopefully There will only be moments that I feel loved next year

All in all it has been an exceptionally mentally challenging/draining year for me. But I got through it, I survived and even developed a new sleeping habit to fall asleep (I close my eyes and focus on my heartbeat and within seconds I fall asleep!).

Hopefully next year I will be granted with a bigger paycheck and a much more satisfying job :) And of course what I hope for every year.......Inner peace...........

Hair experiments

Straightened my hair again. Got it curled and got tired of it and permanently straightened it. I just can`t seem to stick to one hairstyle for more than 3 months, I get bored and need a change. Some people said that it shows my emotional instability (hmmm). Anyway I think i'm quite stable now;the whole growing up process. I just have to blame it all on my mother for keeping me at home, literally under house arrest for such a long time. I was so used to being in my own world... isolated...... that as soon as I got pushed into the 'real' world, I kept isolating myself like I'm used to. Within a very short time I started working, taking up responsibilities and playing the role of gf and then wife, but in my head I was still that little girl that was controlled by my mother. They say life is all about unlearning the harmful things you learn growing up and relearning new positive habits.
It takes quite some time and effort. The more 'damaged' you are while growing up, more time you end up spending unlearning things while trying not to screw up current relationships.

Vishen Lakhiani; one of the best discoveries I made on you tube call these 'BRULES'- B*** sh** Rules. He mentioned that in order to find your bliss you have to smash these 'brules' and live according to what makes you happy. Made a lot of sense.

Hope I get to  master the art of Blisscipline next year.

Hope All of you have an amazing Xmas and a great new year!

p.s. This post turned out to be something that is not so relevant to the topic....... and i did notice that its all over the place, oh well....I don't have much time to edit now so hope this post makes some sense:D

Foodie

Yes, i'm a total foodie, i just love food. At one point I thought of it as my purpose in life :D
Anyway, my hubby happens to be a foodie too, which is why I have gained 9kg(not kidding) during the last two months. As someone who has been extremely fat, well my current weight is not that much of a big deal. I didn`t intend on making this post about my weight. I just thought  of just writing down a very curious issue in my marriage. yes, im newly married and still at the 'trying to find the balance'state. Figured out usual groceries per month, and daily routines have somewhat come to a balance, but when it comes to food...well.......lets just say that my hubby is very picky.
We have this'take out' weekends and its just so hard for hubby to pick what to eat for dinner. For me, i would prefer if i can know the day before where to get food so that i can arrange my 'on the way back' drive properly. But no, hubby doesn`t decide like that, in fact he needs to wait till the right moment until the right food comes into his head. It's actually kinda cute in a way :D well anyway he always picks nice food, its just the thought of not planning ahead that makes me uneasy.
 I plan things a lot, quite a lot...just need to relax and let go a little now i think.

maybe I should create a new label called 'marriage' :)