For the Love of X-Files

I grew up with X-Files (yes I'm a 90s kid). Mulder was the first love of my life and still was to a certain extent (until I saw the new series that is...will explain). My friends even called me Mulder, I was a total Xphiles fan. Anyway back then one of the main reasons I watched the show was to see the 'tender loving moments' between Mulder and Scully. Two decades later when the X files creators rebooted the series I just couldn`t be happier! I never thought I would ever see a new X files episode again! Plus so much has changed in my life since I last saw it.

After waiting for so long I watched it, Mulder's character which used to be a legendary smartass sensitive/toughguy character has turned into a sad lost boy who has aged. I expected the character to evolve properly, he certainly did have that mental toughness back in the day.And for Scully, she has turned into the smartass one now. And their relationship seems so weird.Last night's episode made me think how sad my life has become honestly.Let me explain....Scully says at the end of the episode that 'she wants to remember how it was all were back then'..so much nostalgia about good old days. I felt like X files creators and fans wanted to go back in time when everything was 'amazing'. Then I realized how many times I re-watched X files episodes over the past two decades remembering the good old times. It reminded me of my carefree school life. And when I heard Scully's words it just hit me...I need to stop living in the past like this and make my 'now' productive and be more present and really live it as it is. Life is happening to you right NOW. Not in the future or past...right NOW.

So I'm gonna take a break from watching old X-Files episodes and feed my mind with books or watch Impact Theory by Tom Bilyeu (amazing brain food btw).

Note to self. Live now..Today...This moment....that's all you ever gonna have.

December Recaps - 2017

Went through my 2017 goals I wrote last year...apparently I never got any of it right :D then again, it's been a pretty great year.


- Getting properly committed to spiritual growth is probably the best things this year
- Startup partner didn`t work out well, Now I know the sort of people to work with
- Managed to live out my 'secret fantasy' ...I'll leave it at that
- Got a lot of things off my chest
- Moved unexpectedly to an amazing place, finally I'm home
- Lost my beloved dog, Bingo who gave me the biggest lessons in life.He is in heaven now:)
- Rescued a cat, who became so close to me, never knew I could be a 'cat person'
- Got another puppy
- Finally realizing that I need to control what I think about all day
- Hooked on daily dose of Wayne Dyer affirmations
- cut my air extremely short :) loving it

Goals for 2018

- Inner bliss
- See what  happens to the startup idea that keeps poking me when I sit still
- Thoughts, all about thoughts and meditations
- See where life takes me and flow with it :)

One more month to go, will update if more amazing things happen during this time:)

Loneliness

That feeling you get even-though you are surrounded with family........

Time's Up

I was just there..walking or running......and there was a voice

"Okay, time is up"

I remember wanting to go on, feeling disappointed...

Then........... total darkness.....


I remember waking up terrified.
Of all the dreams/nightmares I've had, this really shook me because,
(a) I have been wishing to die for a while but when I actually died (in my dream) I was dissapointed
(b) I remember I was really dissapointed because I didn`t try my business idea or have the life I really wanted

So....this time I started to really make things count...daily...
I'm much more aware now,took two more days off from work (without feeling guilty).

Going to use these two days to work on my 'inner world'...and oh...yes ....can`t wait to checkout 'Tuesdays with Morrie' :)

Things I'm Trying out - Part Three

• Still working on my 'Why' but getting closer to figuring
• Getting better at handling emotions thanks to Tony Robbins
• Gave up reading Gary Zukov Daily
• Workout is going really well, Gwyneth Paltrow once said that her trainer asked her to think  about working out as just like brushing teeth, you just do it. That statement helped me a lot.Been working out daily.
• Hoping to working on starting a business and walk away from 9-5 life this year 

Truth about Depression

Hearing about Chester Bennington's death sparked a different kind of emotions inside me. Honestly I felt like he has been released from the struggle he had in his head. My brother who is a huge Linking Park fan told me that 'its a crazy situation' in total disbelief. I knew that it wasn`t just a crazy situation. I knew that its just so hard sometimes to  live with the voices in your head. I know that sometimes you simply can`t find a reason to go on. I've had those days, this year more often than most years.I have tried everything, even tying Dr.Kelly Brogan's suggested holistic methods. Getting rid of sugar from my diet did amazing changes to my body, but not my mind. I wanted to move, to a new space, but then I realized that even if I move I will be taking the voices in my head with me, so it wouldn't make a difference. Lying down in bed, wishing I would't need to wake up next morning feels like a terrifying thought to me now, yes, today is a 'good' day. I don`t have voices in my head, I don`t have depressing thoughts, today I wanna live. I wanna make plans for the future and start my business ventures. Today i'm an advocate of positivity. Today I realize that I need a plan. I need a plan on days I feel like I want it all to end. Only thing that has worked for me so far is going for a jog, somehow getting up and moving changes the state of mind. Today I'm able to write this because I feel better. I actually feel good and lucky to be alive and truly grateful for all I have. For days when I feel like I can`t, all I can say is.....Hang in there

Moment of bliss

You go to work in the morning and the voice in your head keeps muttering "this is not what you should be doing with your life" over and over again.

Your co-workers are near you, trying to figure out a timeline of a project, they argue and discuss.

You kept working on your document despite the background and inside voices and reached for your headphones,and by accident saw "The Way - by Fastball".

You started playing.

............And then you experience pure bliss in that chaos.