What have I become

Argued with a cop today,...my old self would be smart(and calm) enough to sweet talk my way out of it (even-though  I did nothing wrong) . I have become this violent, aggressive human being that I never thought I would grow up to be. I get angry at everything quite often and find myself struggling to control my emotions. I used to be the calmest person I know . I feel like there's repressed anger that keeps coming out, i'm trying to figure out the source and so far I think it has something to do with ;
1.Marriage - felt like I betrayed myself when I did, since i had pledged not to get married
2. Men       - I have always hated them for some reason, even before I was in any relationship
3. Job   -  (no comment)
4. Not accepting things for what they are and trying to change things to match the picture in my head
5. Limitations
6. Regrets


I need to go back to how things were...........maybe that is the problem, I just keep wishing I could go back in time when all I did was go to school, dream about the next X-files episode , listen to my friends drama with their boyfriends, go to sleep listening to music  feeling glad that I wasn`t interested in men and their drama :) Ah good old days........

I just need to accept things for the way it is and stop looking back and try to focus on the present......I need to try again.....one day at a time..........just breathe..........

My Early Morning Breakfast Cafe

No I didn`t start an actual cafe, I just started leaving biscuits and pieces of apples on my balcony. I wanted  to feed the little squirrel that I see sometimes, so I thought of leaving some food. Well couple of days later there were four squirrels and several species of birds who started showing up daily. These days they make me want to wake up early, bcz once when I got up late the squirrels were already there and  they had this expression which said "where on earth have you been?".
It kinda feels good because I thought that if their breakfast is settled early morning they can go back to sleep or play for a while and start looking for the next meal( I know it sounds silly but I have a tendency of thinking about animals a lot).
Anyway I stayed at home today (four holidays within two months, I might as well give my resignation soon, its been a bit too stressful lately) and I saw this bird happily(?) singing for a while and I started wishing I was a bird. Just imagine, If you were one of those tiny birds, you don`t need a lot of food, you can fly and I'm guessing that species have minimum predators. Why on earth am I thinking this way? Well I've started not liking my 'environment again' and wants to dissapear.

Need to follow my own advice.....Gratitude and meditation

it's like riding a bicycle

The term is used to say that if you have ridden a bicycle, even after a long time you would be able to ride one naturally, and the term is applicable to other life situations.

However............
After two decades of NOT having touched a bicycle (but i was an expert between the ages of 7-13), I had to re-learn how to ride a bicycle while being watched by kids who were on their small bicycles wondering how this grown woman is unable to ride one.

oh well it was fun :)  

Struggle

To breathe
To remain calm
To keep my promise to myself of focusing on happy thoughts
To sleep



Help me

Holidays!

Two whole days this week! lovely :D

Happy Times

In an attempt to drastically change my life ( and thoughts) this year , I decided to write about moments where I feel loved and happy. After listening to all the 'positive thinking' lectures last year, I thought that its high time that I follow their advice. I will monitor my thoughts and make sure all the positive thoughts throughout the day exceeds the negative/destructive ones.
Ah that reminds me, I should start a new label, hmmm I'll call it happy thoughts :)

Found this pic from Elizabeth Gilbert's fb page.

Love the calm/serene feeling I'm feeling right now, hope it lasts..........

Hitting 3..0

I didn`t panic like the rest of my friends did. I felt calmer and peaceful and liked the fact that I finally hit the thirties. Hubby surprised me with flowers & skylanterns  :)  (NEVER expected that!)

Anyway all in all It was all good, I have accepted a lot of things that caused internal conflict , made peace with it and let go of things that cause me pain. That's whats important for me, personal improvement each year . I did plan on getting a tattoo but couldn`t, but I am finally ready for my first tattoo, will post a pic when I get it done:).
Mental detachment seems to be working well for me:)